I feel like a failure because I can’t cope anymore

[Anasjwj]

Baby is 6 months ebf since for context and I’m desperate for help I’m doing this alone with little family help as they’re all elderly, and I’m really struggling I’m having very very bad days where I just feel like I can’t coupe
anymore, please no judgement I’m a first time mum this is all new to me and I just want to do a good job but it’s so hard

Ever since my daughter was born she has never slept; I’m talking a newborn baby that was constantly wide awake no matter what I tried everyone even in my family was like this is so not normal for a baby to never sleep..
well it’s not changed even tho I was desperately clinging on to the hope she would grow out of this with many times I’ve tried

I’ve spoken to the doctor the health visitor I’m so at my wits end now I’m trying to sell things which no one’s bloody buying.. like my laptop so I can afford private help or sleep consultant they say stick to a routine which I do, leave her in her bed if she’s awake but not crying which I do, but ends up into crying hysterically so I get her up, pick up put down , putting her in her bed drowsy but awake
white noise, pink noise, brown noise; night light no night light dummy no dummy ANYTHING you can think of
she will typically wake 9/10 am, sometimes earlier sometimes later ( I adjust bedtime accordingly) we have milk as soon as she wakes I go downstairs get my breakfast eat that she’ll play then get moody so she’ll have a nap maybe for 10 mins then it’s done. And it’s a contact nap no chance getting her in the bed in the day if I do it’s wide awake again no hope getting her back to sleep
then I’ll try 2/3 times more to get her to nap through the day when she’s clearly tired/ upset but she won’t, sometimes in the baby carrier she will for maybe 30 mins which is amazing

problem is I’m utterly sleep deprived beyond belief,I’ve stopped myself driving at this point as I am constantly tired and struggling,
at night she’ll fall asleep no problem 8/9 pm ( I’ve tried earlier I’ve tried later) we have a routine play bath bed and feed either before or after bath
she’ll fall asleep straight away as she’ll exhausted from 30min sleep all day maximum, so after that she’ll go in her bed but after 30 mins, she’ll wake constantly 45-1 hourly then at 11pm she’s up for hours. I’m talking 4/5 hours lately that’s how late it’s been so now the routine is fked as I’m so desperate for any sleep I can get we’re not getting up till maybe 11 as I’m desperate for any sleep I can get now she’ll sleep maybe 5-9 but still wake crying every 40/1hr so I am getting absolutely little to no sleep it’s been like this for months I can’t take anymore I feel unwell everyday I feel weak sooo weak, dizzy and have a constant headache, sometimes I hope I pass out and have to stay in hospital just to get a break I 100% have ppd but only because of the little sleep
how can I possibly give me 100% when I get no sleep how am I even alive with such little sleep everyday my family constantly say I have lawful, bags under my eyes like I’ve never had before I’ve even turned very grey at 22 years old..
I can’t co sleep as I’ve tried before I couldn’t get sleep as I was so worried and she definitely over heats on my mattress despite little clothing !
ahy help as to why this is happening??? I’m exhausted it’s making me really really down
im getting baby weighed again soon by the hv, if I truly explain how dark and down I’m feeling what will happen? Will they take baby off Me I’m scared about that.. but honestly I just need sleep:( I also get no time to myself

I don't have too much experience with being a relatively new mum myself but replying hoping others will see who can help more!

We went through a phase of this and it's really really hard, I can't imagine how you must feel after 6 months.

Do you have a partner? Family who can help just for a few hours to give you a break? You need a good block of sleep to reset yourself.

How is she generally when she's awake, is she happy? Is she feeding ok? No chance it could be a milk allergy or something causing pain and making her so unsettled?

Please reach out to your health visitor, they won't take your baby away. You need some real life support, please don't be afraid to ask for it!

I know it doesn't help right now but it won't always be like this, it will get easier.

Also, before paying for a sleep consultant you could try the Pampers app it's called Smart Sleep Coach or something like that. They do a 1 week free trial but please remember to cancel it or you'll get charged about £100!

But if you input your baby's details it tells you their ideal wake windows and when you should be aiming for naps. It helped me through a particularly rough sleep regression but I had been getting her wake windows totally wrong. May be worth a try.

You are doing so well 💙This sounds really really tough. Sadly I have no breakthrough advice but I remember things shifting for the better just when they started to feel truly insurmountable. Six months is a very long time with little support and little sleep, no wonder you are feeling beyond shattered: I promise you, things will get better.

No they’re not take baby off you. They may do a referral to perinatal mental health who may be able to help with the ppd. there are inpatient units around where mum and baby can be admitted if it’s necessary. Or they can put in support on the community via home visits and groups. Please do tell them how you are feeling.

Hey my ebf baby was like this, she is baby number 5 and never had a newborn who was awake soo much, she is nearly a year old now and sleeps better, not great but definitely enough for me to function just about, it really does feel like hell when you can’t get any sleep (thats why they use as a torture technique) the only thing i found that helped was co-sleeping and i moved her cot so it is now jammed between my bed and the wall and took one side off, so i can feed her and slid her over into her cot without having to lift her up (which generally results in waking her and then the cycle starts all over again, she does still have bad nights where she wakes every hour but most of the time now she will sleep for 2 hours and on the odd occasion 3, so still not great but getting there, she just wants to be close to mumma and as she is my last im just trying to enjoy it abit, but definitely struggle to enjoy it on no sleep tbh xx

This sounds so difficult, could you pay someone to look after her a few hours during the day while you sleep? Is there anyone who would come and stay just for a few days to help during the night? If you can get just enough sleep to reset a bit it might help you feel more positive and make plans to improve her sleep.

You poor thing. Sleep deprivation is cruel and you are in the trenches at the moment. I promise you it will get better, it’s really shit now and might be for a while but then it will get better. Take care of yourself as best you can and keep talking.

I’ve been dairy and soy free since she was 3 weeks old! Not touched any since as she did have symptoms of cmpa,
when she’s awake she’s full of energy generally happy until she’s bored
she’s feeding not 100% lately as she’s had a cold which hasn’t helped
i don’t have a partner her dad wants nothing to do with her unfortunately
I’m desperate I do want to ask for help but I’m petrified she’ll get taken away from me,

Thank you I’m going to get it now!

Thanks so much I really hope it does even though it’s only 6. Months feels like years

I will be honest as I am really struggling now. I need support

My som had reflux and barely slept during the day. It could take an hour to get him to nap and it would be 20mins max. He wouldn’t nap in his cot. My fail safe ended up being taking him for a walk in the pushchair.
It honestly got better but you need to reach out for help now.

Your family tell you that you look awful? Have any of them offered to watch baby for an hour or so?

You are not failing, far from it, you have both survived the first 6 months which is very tough with support let alone without, you have done the toughest sleep bit, it will get better and more rewarding soon.

The only way either of my two ever napped during the day was in their pram, I must have walked for miles but worth it for the break, as soon as they nodded off back home. From what I hazily remember roughly bath then 7.30 to bed, would read to first boy until he fell asleep, then with sweat pouring from my brow, try gently lower him into cot without waking, ( insanely labour intensive spent a lot of time in darkened room, and am sure not approved of by sleep experts but I didn’t care as long as he went to sleep ) feed around 10.30, then hopefully sleep until 6/7 was what worked on the good, not sick/ teething/ cluster feeding days. Any waking in the night, no lights on, just pacing in a dark kitchen or even better, just patting through the bars of his cot, kept jammed beside my bed.
Sleep deprivation is truly awful, sending you much sympathy . My boy turned 18 this year, waking him is the problem now. You will get through this you are doing so well

Yeah it is torture often when I cry to myself I say to myself this is torture no one can deal with no sleep and feel healthy I try tell myself it’s normal to feel this way but I wish I didn’t,

I often wonder if it’s because I bf she wakes so much, but I think trying formula is too much faf now,
I know; I try remind myself this cannot last forever try enjoy holding her while she wants to be held etc but it is so hard!

But do talk to your health visitor it is what they are there for, struggling with sleep deprivation is perfectly reasonable,

I did ask my mum a few occasions however she isn’t very reliable and when I did in the past, she turned up ( 11pm mind) having drank a few drinks.. or one occasion left my baby to sleep on the sofa.. she can’t be trusted unfortunately even if I’m sooo sleep deprived I know I won’t fall asleep etc and know she’s safe at least!

She did have bad reflux as a newborn, it was absolutely hell, colic and reflux my god I will never want another baby because of that experience 3 days I went no sleep one time then just hour a day then..
she is abit sicky still but not as bad so I’m unsure it’s that, I still hold her up right for 15 mins after drinking tho
she doesn’t like the pram either or car seat but that’s a whole other post 😂
yup, say how funny my post partum hair loss looks and how I now have cankles and how I need to sort my daughters routine out etc etc..
they’re not supportive at all which is what isn’t helping me feel so so so alone as I also have no friends, and I can’t trust my family unfortunately

Are you weaning her yet? With proper food maybe just milk isn’t helping her and she may begin to settle better when sleep time etc

I know the absolute worst of it aka the newborn days are oven that was definitely torture, I went days without any sleep! This is slight better but a new kind of struggle!
this is what I try remind myself one day I will sleep again, but I just want to enjoy her now she’ll never be this little and cuddly again but it’s soooo hard when ur so drained :(

im hoping getting a new bed might help, im getting her into the cot when it arrives next week maybe it’s her bed who knows

Is there a HomeStart programme in your area ? They can provide some reliable help.Do be honest either your GP or HV they may be able to guide you to getting some extra support.

We started a bout 2 weeks ago just tried a few things then she got a horrible cold and was barely drinking. Milk so we stopped as I didn’t want her to fill up on food rather than milk, she’s drinking abit better but so unsure when to start again as I’m worried she’ll get full off of food and not want milk !

There’s not from what i checked I looked into that newborn days !
and I will as I really can’t go on like this

I'm sorry you're going through this.
Sleep deprivation is horrific! There's a reason it's used as a torture method!

Is there any way you can put her in nursery for a day a week just so you can spend the day sleeping? Or hire a night nurse?

Sending you a big hug! Xx

I have 3 children. My lovely HV said to me when I was struggling in a similar way that a lot of mums give 1 bottle at night, it doesn't affect your milk supply. I did it and it gave me 3-4 hours of sleep. Might be worth considering- I was hallucinating from lack of sleep.

Do you think it might be an idea to make an appointment to see the GP, for both of you. Have her checked for teething, ear infection, get more advice re the reflux, be reassured she is well. Then focus on you and how you are feeling.

You are doing incredibly well with so little support. Do you have somewhere OK to live and enough money? Don't sell your laptop, it will be a lifeline for you. Could you start going to church, they are likely to have a creche where you can talk to other mothers. It will provide some supportive community possibly.