Violent toddler

[RachBakesCakes]

I have a 3 year old son and his anger gets so out of control. He hits, kicks or head butts me every day and I'm really struggling. He's even broken my nose by head butting me. He also spits on me and my partner.

My partner says it's normal toddler behaviour which I understand to an extent but I'm just so sick of being hurt every day. He's tall and strong for his age with long limbs so it's hard to keep him from hitting or kicking me when getting him changed etc.

We never retaliate and have never hit him. We try to stay calm and get on his level but that just makes it easier for him to hit. We've tried time outs and always explain why we've done it but nothing has helped.

He's such a lovely little boy when he's not angry, he just gets into such rages when he's tired or frustrated. I'm at my wits end and would appreciate some advice. I don't know whether anything can be done or if I just need to ride this phase out.

Seriously? This is helpful how?

I completely understand. I don't know if it's because it's the Christmas holidays but the OP does seem to be attracting quite a bit of negative comments.

There is a real sense of shame around having a child who hits you. I had a hitter at this age (who has subsequently turned out to have ASD). I found the judgement really difficult - “you can’t let him hit you!”. Well, I wasn’t “letting” him but he did it anyway!

We tried everything - coming down on him like a ton of bricks, serious talks, walking away - and none of it actually worked. It made me think I must either be a terrible parent or I must be going mad, because nothing we did worked even when everyone said we must do X because that would sort it out.

We now know that he has ASD, and while that may not explain the hitting completely, it certainly goes some way towards explaining why nothing we did to address it worked.

I would definitely speak to the health visitor, OP, but I would also buckle in for a long ride - in our case it took several years to get a diagnosis.

Work on avoiding tiredness and frustration
Work out the triggers
Pre empt
Does he have words?

I was trying to get him changed, I held his legs while DP held his arms and he just launched himself at me with his head.

What were you changing? Clothes or a nappy?
It s not going to work is it to be pinning him down like that?

Put him in clothes like joggers he can sleep in and go to nursery in so change every 24 hours and avoid trigger points

Ive been through this, my DS is now diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. You will get a lot of ignorant comments from people who havent been through it. Definitely go to the health visitor, but dont expect any quick help. They wont diagnose ADHD til age 6.

I would suggest trying to identify the triggers eg being tired, bed time, getting dressed. Then try and manage or avoid those situations as best you can. For example , we dropped baths to once a week. You could try empathising eg I can see you are really frustrated, rather than telling him off. Also do not react emotionally in any way to the violence , do not raise your voice, keep it flat and neutral sounding. If you react emotionally you will encourage it. It helps to understand that the violence is a form of communication - he feels angry and so he wants you to feel angry.

My DS did grow out of it but it took a long time. it was very hard on my mental health so make sure you look after yourself and dont beat yourself up.

My son never once raised his hand to me, ever. He is nearly 21 now. It isn't normal op. I'm sorry

I think start with health visitor of GP or maybe nursery can help. It doesn’t sound typical to me and even if it is, it would be good to get support on how to handle it. Getting head butted sounds really hard on you

Hi, just wondering how things are for you now @RachBakesCakes i know this is an old thread but am going through similar so would appreciate any advice or techniques you found that helped and to hear if things did gradually just improve with age/ time. Thank you x