Violent toddler

[RachBakesCakes]

I have a 3 year old son and his anger gets so out of control. He hits, kicks or head butts me every day and I'm really struggling. He's even broken my nose by head butting me. He also spits on me and my partner.

My partner says it's normal toddler behaviour which I understand to an extent but I'm just so sick of being hurt every day. He's tall and strong for his age with long limbs so it's hard to keep him from hitting or kicking me when getting him changed etc.

We never retaliate and have never hit him. We try to stay calm and get on his level but that just makes it easier for him to hit. We've tried time outs and always explain why we've done it but nothing has helped.

He's such a lovely little boy when he's not angry, he just gets into such rages when he's tired or frustrated. I'm at my wits end and would appreciate some advice. I don't know whether anything can be done or if I just need to ride this phase out.

I don't know whether anything can be done or if I just need to ride this phase out.

I don't think you should ride it out now. Violence like this at 3 is getting more unusual. Does your DO have any qualifications on Child Development or has he read extensively on the subject?

How does you DS do on this simple progress checkerr*?

Sorry DP not DO.

Thank you, I did the checker and it was good. He actually has a very good vocabulary and can communicate well when he's calm. DP has no qualification, just googled and said 'it's normal' 🙄.

DS has also been going to nursery since 6 months old and he is an angel there, we always get glowing reports. The only thing they say is he's a little shy.

This isn't normal toddler behaviour.

I don't think so either. Who should I approach for some help? GP or maybe health visitor?

DP has no qualification, just googled and said 'it's normal'

Sounds like my DH if I'm honest who regularly talks with authority on things he know fuck all about.

I'd ignore your DPs random googling if I were you.

It's good that the SLT progress checker hasn't highlighted any concerns. You might be able to rule out frustration with communication as a cause.

Have you spoken to his Keyworker and what have they said? Have you asked for their SENCO to assess him?

How old is he exactly? 3, 3.5 or nearly 4?

In what universe is this normal behaviour?
Your child does this because he gets away with it.
I'm sorry, but it's not on him but on you and your partner.

Definitely sounds over and above the normal kind of toddler anger. He spits on you and has broken your nose. That's not standard for a 3yo.

Definitely time for chat with HV/GP. In the meantime, the book The Explosive Child might be helpful.

Is he maybe getting disregulated?

Are there predictable times when this happens?

If so you could start to build in times where he can wind down to help him feel calmer. I’m not suggesting that he’s ND, but there might be some sensory activities that might help here.

Take a step back and observe for a bit to see if you can spot what’s going on, what triggers it, what are the early signs, and from there introduce different strategies and see what helps (eg with ds an early sign was the skin under his eyes going red, at that point we could go and do something quietly on our own and it would give him a chance to get regulated again).

If this is the only thing that’s going on I wouldn’t necessarily go to the GP with it as there isn’t much they can do. I’d try to learn to nip it in the bud and recognise what sets him off.

This isn't normal toddler behaviour. I have 3 kids oldest is autistic with ADHD and his tantrums were pretty phenomenal but not where near your little ones level of violence. Is it just you who gets it? What do you do when you are hurt? Is there a pattern to his behaviour! I.e certain place, time, location etc?

That's exactly why I made this post, for advice. What do you suggest we do?

I strongly believe it's ADHD as it is in the family. It's always at home, usually when he doesn't get his own way, is tired, doesn't want to do something. He hits me mainly but also my partner. I'm definitely going to seek some professional help.

Agree with others saying this isn’t normal. What are the consequences for his behaviour? Nursery will have consistent consequences so if you don’t then that may be why he behaves there and not at home. Or are there obvious triggers like tired, hungry or linked to screentime? Could also be SEN related, if it runs in the family I would discuss with the health visitor.

Someone in our family has ADHD and there's no violence at all. I do think that you need to start with your GP. Definitely don't allow him to hit you.

It’s so difficult to talk about our children hurting us, partly because we feel it must be our fault, partly because we don’t want people to think they’re bad children, and partly because it’s frightening to think about living with a child who hurts you as they are getting bigger and stronger. It’s definitely not just normal and ok, but it also is something you and your lovely boy can get help with. It’s hard when they’re younger too as people can dismiss it as not a big deal, but living with violence is horrible, and 3 year olds can be very strong.

I’ve recently been supported by CAPA (Child and Adolescent to Parent Violence), an organisation specifically for parents experiencing violence from their children. They’re very good, and have some resources on their website that might help if you don’t feel you need appointments at this stage. Your health visitor is also a good option as said above. My son is now 6, but he’s adopted and has complex needs, so our path isn’t yours, but despite having lots of otherwise great professionals involved, CAPA have probably been the most helpful resource specifically for this that we’ve had so far. Non Violent Communication and play therapy (from you) is also worth looking into. CAPA recommended “The Parent Child Game” to me.

I literally don't know how to stop him hitting. The other day I was trying to get him changed, I held his legs while DP held his arms and he just launched himself at me with his head. If we don't have anywhere we need to be I just walk away but that's not always possible.

I wouldn't say this is normal. My 3 year old maybe gets violent once in a blue moon, when she's really frustrated or tired. Even then, she responds very well to having it explained why we don't hurt people. She'll even tell me later about not hurting people, so I can tell she's processing it.

Definitely approach the GP. Is is a problem with anyone but you as parents? Does he get violent with any friends or grandparents?

@SpicedLemonSoup thank you so much for your kindness.

Really???

Honestly, who's in charge here??

That doesn’t sound like normal 3 year old - that is very dysregulated. Definitely GP or Health Visitor

Can you make a safe space / quiet zone where he can go when he starts to feel out of control put toys he loves in there books etc

https://amzn.eu/d/hSyohRG
Sensory Tent - hope that link works

Sounds like he is masking at nursery which is why they say he is shy then all the big feelings come out at home

You need to be on the exact same page with your partner about this. You won't get resoults if you try to discipline but your partner won't.
You need to have a talk and come up with different scenarios on how you are going to handle it.

It's also depends on why he hits, spits, etc. Is he angry and can't control his emotions? He thinks it's funny and doesn't take you seriously when you tell him off? Is it his way to get attention?
I believe it really depends on what the causes of these behaviour are.

Have you spoken to his Keyworker and what have they said? Have you asked for their SENCO to assess him?

How old is he exactly? 3, 3.5 or nearly 4

If you answer these I can make some suggestions of what to do

I’m new to Mumsnet, and some of these responses make me wonder why people post here, I suppose there’s help amongst the uninformed opinions. I’m lucky that I skip some of the real life judgment because my older (birth) child is “well behaved” and my younger son was nearly 2 when I adopted him, and also hurts everyone indiscriminately so people are less likely to assume it’s just bad parenting. I’ve developed a pretty thick skin towards ignorant strangers but it’s taken a while, and a lot of reminding myself that everyone who actually knows us thinks I’m brilliant. While you and I (OP) aren’t perfect parents and have things to learn, I doubt we’re much worse than those who so confidently wouldn’t put up with it.

How old is he exactly, because only just 3 is different to nearly 4?

What have you tried so far e.g. time outs or natural consequences such as don’t get dressed nicely then we’re not going wherever we were going? Not saying those are necessarily the strategies to try, if there are SEN concerns you may need different strategies, but it might help to know what you’ve tried so far even if it was unsuccessfully.

Have you tried saying no, very firmly and don't do that, or you hurt mummy. Does he realise that what he is doing is not OK? I think you have to be direct and clear about what he is doing and that he must not do it. If he communicates well explaining to him may be the way to go.