Father in Law criticising our parenting

[NatMoz]

We have a daughter who is 3 and quite independent and stubborn. She also struggles to eat large quantities of food and every meal time is a battle. We could keep her at the table with screens but that is heavily frowned upon and not a good habit to fall into.

We've tried gentle parenting to strict headteacher parenting and everything in between.

She is quite boisterous, confident, loud and we take a strict approach to install boundaries as she doesn't listen. I use the 1,2,3 method quite a lot and when we need to leave somewhere like the playground etc we use the countdown method '5 minutes left' etc. I have been told that i should not use this to threaten her and should be more jolly and playful.

At a recent birthday party we were asked if she had older brothers (only child) and i overheard a parent saying how she was the daredevil of the party. I don't want to try and restrict her personality but she will never be the stereotypical quiet, shy girl who sits in the corner and colours in. It would certainly be less stressful for me if she was though!

We have stayed over for Christmas between xmas Eve and Boxing Day.

After the 2 days my father in law had a quiet word with my husband about how we're far too strict and should just let our daughter be a child and not tell her off for misbehaving. Also that her table manner is terrible and we need to work harder on improving it.

She eats a variety of food but the smallest of quantities. Today she had half a cheese biscuit for lunch, a bite of sausage, a bite of coronation turkey, a bite of raw veg etc and was done. Previously we might have been strict and told her to remain at the table but we're just exhausted from the arguing, we let her go and do her own thing.

We're going to my parents tomorrow and I'm sure they'll have a completely different opinion, probably that we're not strict enough and i just feel judged on so many levels and it's all getting on top of me.

I just want her to sit nicely, eat her food, play nicely and just be a well rounded individual.

I feel so overwhelmed by it all.

To add, we do not receive family help with our daughter so they cannot provide us with 'tips or tricks' that worked for them following being in their care that we could try out.

There's probably not much we can do but i just feel like i need to rant as i feel like it's interfering and a reflection on me when i try my hardest to parent as well as i possibly can with a wild opinionated toddler (aged 3). Just feel so down so be kind.

My husband is 50:50 with everything. We are a team and a trying to get parenting right as a joint effort.

Oh and nursery workers have admitted they struggle to get her to eat and sit at the table with her little buddies. She will wander off and not eat much. She is a very active child.

She eats a variety of food but the smallest of quantities. Today she had half a cheese biscuit for lunch, a bite of sausage, a bite of coronation turkey, a bite of raw veg etc and was done. Previously we might have been strict and told her to remain at the table but we're just exhausted from the arguing, we let her go and do her own thing.

I'd say if she's following her centiles this sounds fine. You could try cutting snacks a little and encouraging exercise to help build her appetite? She should be having a daily vitamin anyway so will probably be fine.

I have been told that i should not use this to threaten her and should be more jolly and playful.

Can I ask who told you this? I found that mine always needed a lot of warning that we were going to stop one activity and do another. Like leaving a birthday party to go home.

If you're finding 123 Magic isn't working effectively, have you read The Explosive Childd*.

nursery workers have admitted they struggle to get her to eat and sit at the table with her little buddies. She will wander off and not eat much. She is a very active child.

How does she score on the Ages & Stages and the 3 year Social & Emotional Ages & Stagess*?

Does she have an ECHP too?

And what have Nursery done so far? Have they made any referrals or had their SENCO have a look at her?

Sounds like you are looking for excuses.

My daughter would run around instead of sitting down at the table if I left her to do so.

Meal time, we sit down. If she doesn't want to eat food, she doesn't have to. No playing with it. Either sit around and enjoy the conversation, or she asks if she can leave the table. She will be 3 in January. She never had a phone or laptop or any entertainment at mealtime. She is used to this, and she doesn't know anything else - or to be honest, she doesn't allow anything else.

I don't think you should ever argue about food - they will feel pressured. Offer the food, tell them if they don't eat it, it's ok, but they won't get anything else.

My nephew never sits down for mealtime - my sister also uses the "his and active child" or "he will never sit down" excuse. You are the parent. You tell them what to do, and they should do it. If you don't, that's fine, but don't be surprised if people make a comment about it.

We tell her, 5 times but she will not sit in her seat. Please explain your methods in these circumstances when they just do not obey under any circumstances.

Thank you

I don't think 3 year olds gain much pleasure from 'sitting nicely' at table. If they sit properly till they've had the food they want that's probably as much as can be expected, providing it's a domestic setting not a cafe.

I think as has been said above, the main thing is them not being underweight for their age.

And provided they will follow instructions when it comes to basic safety - holding hands when crossing roads, not running off - I'd agree that a certain amount of independence and spirit can be an asset.

Too much unsolicited advice can be a bit tricky. Perhaps bland replies like, 'She's still very young' and 'Yes, we're working on this.' are the best

Too much unsolicited advice can be a bit tricky. Perhaps bland replies like, 'She's still very young' and 'Yes, we're working on this.' are the best

Totally agree. DGPs can be particularly out of touch with how young DC behave. Mine are Teens now and I can safely say I've long forgotten what it's like looking after a 3 year old. You can't please everyone.

If table manners are a problem, do you sit at the table at home and is she expected to stay until everyone else has finished eating, without screens?

I have not read that book nor have i heard of the ages & stages. She turned 3 13 days ago.

I can certainly ask for her to be tested in the new year to make sure she's meeting milestones.

There has been no mention of any sort of special needs by nursery so i don't think it's that

We eat our meals at a table together as a family with no tv or screens every single day.

She has been on the 9th percentile curve for 2 years now consistently so there hasn't been a concern in that respect. She is a very active child however.

She's just 3 and on the 9th centile, she's unlikely to need large portions.

Just ignore the grandparents advice/criticism.

Let her eat what she would like at the table and avoid snacks.

She has been on the 9th percentile consistently.

She follows instructions in other ways like the awareness of roads, fires etc and has fantastic concentration skills. Imaginative and independent play is a big thing for her.

Thank you yes we do this.

It's just the whole when she's finished her food, she won't sit at the table any longer. I'm not sure what other parents do to keep them seated when they are no longer hungry

Too much unsolicited advice can be a bit tricky. Perhaps bland replies like, 'She's still very young' and 'Yes, we're working on this.' are the best

Good advice. In defense of you FIL, you really do forget what day-to-day life is like with a toddler once your own kids are adults! Time has a way of feeding your delusion that your own children were extremely well-behaved (due to your exemplary parenting skills😂)

How much does she get to decide the ways things go in areas apart from meal times? Stubbom until she gets her own way?

Has she anything she could play with at the table after finishing her food?

TBF unless you like conversation once you've finished eating at a table is boring!

I'd read the book, it might be more helpful than more popular child behaviour books.

I posted the wrong ages and stages sorry. For some reason I thought she was a bit older.

I would fill in and score:

this Ages & Stages

and this Social & Emotional Ages and Stages

Most DC score in the grey area for two of the sections in the first Ages and Stages, they're not expected to score in the white for every section.

If she's got grey in more than two sections in the first one or any black or if she's in the grey or black for the Social & Emotional Ages & Stages I would ask for a check with your HV and show her the results for both. If she wants to adopt the "wait & see" approach try and get her to fix and appointment for 2 months time.

Stop trying to force her to eat. Put the food down. Let her body tell her what she needs then take the food away. No more food until the next snack/meal time.

Well this is the point. I will be strict and not give in or distract her with an alternative option or if it's leaving somewhere a countdown. This helps prevent a tantrum but she does not always get what she wants.

FIL thinks we're too strict setting boundaries and that we should let her be a child rather than using words like 'x you must sit at the table and eat your dinner' 'no you are not allowed to hide in the cupboard with all the glassware' etc

It’s really interesting how our parents generation view our parenting techniques now. We do countdown and when my MIL saw it, she was shocked but in a good way. You could see her flashing back to how much easier it would have been when DH and BIL were younger, particularly BIL. She commented they have no concept of time and it really helps to manage their expectations. My dad saw us and asked us if we aren’t exhausted living our life by timers.

It’s interesting that FIL thinks you’re too strict on countdowns but not strict enough on table manners. Seems like you can’t win either way, so you just have to ignore it and continue with what works for you.

I have quite strict boundaries but I’m also a pick my battles kind of parent. I think our 3 year old needs to sit at the table and wait for others to finish if they’ve finished first. If you want them to sit at a table in the future, I think you need to have the battle(s) now and set the expectations you expect to see later. But I don’t expect them to sit there bored and doing nothing. We have used screens but try not to, we tend to use them in exceptional circumstances. Otherwise we take books, crayons and small toys with us. They have a wider variety of toys at home obviously. Yesterday, while waiting on Christmas dinner I allowed them to play with a noisy toy that was one of their presents but if we were out it would be a quiet toy. If she is into imaginative play, can I recommend ‘zoo in a tin’ by apples and pears. You can find it quite easily from a few places and there are a few other options. Our 3 year old loves zoo in a tin. It’s small so nice and portable, we can play with DC but they can also play independently with it too.

She's just 3 and on the 9th centile, she's unlikely to need large portions

Totally agree with this. Children of this age are great at regulating just how much they need.

Try and limit snacks like o said and do things like swimming or going to the park so she's properly hungry at mealtimes and don't stress about how much, or how little she eats

That's fine and we do that. However how do you get her to the table in the first place when playing is also far too exciting and once she's finished her meal, plate removed before we've barely touched our own dinner. How do you keep her on the table waiting patiently?

'no you are not allowed to hide in the cupboard with all the glassware

DFIL sounds a bit crazy. Sometimes you do have to say no just to keep them safe!

We taught ds to play I Spy at a really young age. He is the youngest of many and we took him to restaurants from birth. He absolutely is expected to sit at the table. Bored or not! Never used a screen either.

OP I agree your child is probably eating what she needs. A variety, even in tiny portions, is great.

I'd also work hard to include her at mealtimes with I spy, drawing/colouring etc, a toy with her that she needs to help sit nicely, etc. lots of role play in between meals where you pretend to be badly behaved and she tells you off.

Firm boundaries are good especially for certain kids (I have two very active, stubborn, independent and contrary kids...) but playfulness goes twice as far. Probably because it's putting connection first, whereas just policing strict boundaries can feel relentless for both of you (and observers).

It's hard parenting small kids, especially around family. And they change so quickly you often feel on the back foot. You sound very thoughtful though. She sounds lovely.

It’s such a tough age, she sounds lovely and you just have to keep in mind that by the time she’s 10 she will be eating, sleeping, behaving like any other child. It will all even out. Your parents may have done it all before but they have never parented your child so their opinions will be different based on their own experiences.

When you tell her she needs to sit at the table do you then quickly try to engage her in an exciting conversation or game? I've found that you do need to make being at the table a fun experience for them. When you tell her she can't hide in the cupboard with the glassware do you then show her a really fun hiding place behind a curtain? Distraction and playfulness go a long way!