Father in Law criticising our parenting

[NatMoz]

We have a daughter who is 3 and quite independent and stubborn. She also struggles to eat large quantities of food and every meal time is a battle. We could keep her at the table with screens but that is heavily frowned upon and not a good habit to fall into.

We've tried gentle parenting to strict headteacher parenting and everything in between.

She is quite boisterous, confident, loud and we take a strict approach to install boundaries as she doesn't listen. I use the 1,2,3 method quite a lot and when we need to leave somewhere like the playground etc we use the countdown method '5 minutes left' etc. I have been told that i should not use this to threaten her and should be more jolly and playful.

At a recent birthday party we were asked if she had older brothers (only child) and i overheard a parent saying how she was the daredevil of the party. I don't want to try and restrict her personality but she will never be the stereotypical quiet, shy girl who sits in the corner and colours in. It would certainly be less stressful for me if she was though!

We have stayed over for Christmas between xmas Eve and Boxing Day.

After the 2 days my father in law had a quiet word with my husband about how we're far too strict and should just let our daughter be a child and not tell her off for misbehaving. Also that her table manner is terrible and we need to work harder on improving it.

She eats a variety of food but the smallest of quantities. Today she had half a cheese biscuit for lunch, a bite of sausage, a bite of coronation turkey, a bite of raw veg etc and was done. Previously we might have been strict and told her to remain at the table but we're just exhausted from the arguing, we let her go and do her own thing.

We're going to my parents tomorrow and I'm sure they'll have a completely different opinion, probably that we're not strict enough and i just feel judged on so many levels and it's all getting on top of me.

I just want her to sit nicely, eat her food, play nicely and just be a well rounded individual.

I feel so overwhelmed by it all.

To add, we do not receive family help with our daughter so they cannot provide us with 'tips or tricks' that worked for them following being in their care that we could try out.

There's probably not much we can do but i just feel like i need to rant as i feel like it's interfering and a reflection on me when i try my hardest to parent as well as i possibly can with a wild opinionated toddler (aged 3). Just feel so down so be kind.

My husband is 50:50 with everything. We are a team and a trying to get parenting right as a joint effort.

Some children are more biddable than others. It's really easy, if you've had a biddable child or two, to think that other people's children would be perfect, if only they parented like you did. But some children are trickier and need something different.

Parenting my DD1 made me look like I'd cracked parenting. DD2 makes it clear that I hadn't.

She's not a formed human being, she's a work in progress. You'll know by age 18 whether you've produced a "well-rounded individual".

Tbh I'd just ignore unsolicited parenting advice and do what suits you until your DD is school age. It's mostly personality at that age. You'll find out when she starts school if she actually has trouble conforming to age-appropriate norms.

She only turned 3 two weeks ago.

your expectations of sitting nicely with lovely table manners are quite unrealistic here age.

she will get there. Give her time she’s very young.

All kids are different. I expect mine to sit at the table but I don't make what he eats a battle. This Christmas he ate five carrots and a Yorkshire at one meal and five potatoes and some sweetcorn at the other. I also let him get down when he wants, within reason, especially at Christmas and times when meals can go on and he finds it overwhelming. I'm sure others will have different standards but Christmas isn't really the time to get into it. Nor is it to weigh in on people's parenting as it's never going to be exactly the same.

I personally would also rather enjoy my Christmas dinner without the stress of someone's parenting battle going on in the background!

I agree but at the same time people in this thread have said their children sit quietly because they tell them they must sit at the table and behave.

People have suggested games like i spy. She may struggle with that as she doesn't understand letters and full words eg F for fridge yet but maybe a simplified version.

I don't know, will attempt it tomorrow.

What I'm trying to say is it seems to work for some children and i was told i was making excuses further up the thread!

Maybe swap the letter for a colour? So I can see something yellow and you've got to guess what it is?

Oddly I found that some classical music helped too.

FIL sounds impossible to please. Too strict for not letting her smash all the glassware but not strict enough for IDK not tying her to the table when she’s done eating to stay - wtf because that’s massively contradictory. Just ignore him because honestly he sounds batshit. I don’t think (m)any kids of that age want to stay sat at the table after they’re done eating. Usually it takes work to engage them which is why most parents take toys, colouring, stickers and in some cases even ipads to restaurants! At home it’s usually easier to excuse them once they’ve finished to go play and I’d do the same at a relative’s house. The only unusual thing I think is that she eats very little so she’s done very quickly. But great that she tried a variety of foods! If she snacks I’d consider cutting right back on these. But this is a short term problem- her appetite will increase with age as will her tolerance for sitting. I wouldn’t worry at all.

If she’s moving along the same percentile or the percentile below, I wouldn’t worry about her eating at all. Just provide healthy variety at meal times and not sweat it.

We play i-spy this way with our 3YO too! It works great.

I spy works with sounds "I spy something with shhhhhh..." or colours, etc too.

My in laws have completely strict and unrealistic expectations of small children but make zero accommodations for them: my kids were up and down like yoyos. My side of the family is completely different: kids are properly included with games, stories "let us tell you about the naughtiest thing X ever did..." and chats, and they're happy to stick around much longer. But when they get restless, they're allowed get down.

It's not that it's unrealistic to expect them to sit at the table at 3; it's that it's unrealistic to expect them to do it perfectly, without reminding or support or playfulness.

I've always tried to get mine to wait till everyone has finished eating (with mixed success) but even these days they can be wriggly, at 8 and 11. Persevere, it's a long game.

Stick her back in a high chair, make mealtimes short, don't put a lot of food on her plate, when she stops eating take the plate away and teach her to ask if she can get down.

Oh that won't work, she won't sit in the high chair in the first place. Therefore 5 minutes of sitting at the table will reduce right down to 0.00001 seconds. Unless like today actually, a 6 month old (her cousin) was in the high chair and getting all the attention resulting in her getting upset and wanting to go in the highchair too.

That is the only time though🤣

It's really tricky to get toddlers to sit 'nicely' at the table. Unless really hungry it's just not that interesting for them. Games, chats that will interest them, colouring, etc etc can work a bit. Otherwise just let them get down and watch tv or whatever you need to be able to finish your meal. It's tricky at other people's houses as everyone has expectations and their own faded memories of what it is actually like. Just let any helpful unsolicited advice/criticism slide right off your shoulders. Bland replies and turn it around on them - oh yes please could you get her to eat while we finish our meal? They aren't like this for long.

Also no toddler is at their best at Christmas or with lots of people. Mine gets really overwhelmed so just sitting up for some of it is really enough for him.

I'm sure people can use eye spy and other games (wouldn't work for mine) but it is also everyone's Christmas meal and surely you should be able to relax and enjoy without it being a battle.

She sounds like a normal, curious three year old to me! People will always have something to say about parenting styles - I find this especially true when it comes to grandparents. All you can do is your best. You know your kid! If she is happy and healthy, then who cares if she wants to do some exploring when she’s finished eating instead of sitting at a table for a whole adult meal (which even I find boring oftentimes 😂) and being force-fed food. Who is it harming, honestly? Personally, I would rather my son do that… developing his curiosity and independent play skills… than be transfixed by an iPad at the table or bored and complainy just to suit adults who aren’t his parent.