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Original poster

MIL expects access

32 replies

Dolly2288 · 23/12/2024 00:57

MIL doesn't like me and for the past 4 years has shown nothing but disrespect and my partner just tries to keep the peace and that involves me letting my daughter go to her house for a full day and not hearing a single thing about her what she's doing or where she's at. I'm sick of it all it makes me feel ill, me and partner don't go to her house or she doesn't come to ours, I don't have a relationship with her at all. I worry for my daughter who's 2.5 yrs that she will notice that I don't go to grandmas house etc and it's a dysfunctional set up. I'm sick of my partner not having a back bone and not wanting to upset her!
Advice please

OP posts:
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 23/12/2024 01:12

Eh? Why do you allow this?

You deserve respect as an individual and as your dd's mother. If you don't get that then I'm sorry but no access to your child allowed.

Be firm and assertive.

Thevelvelletes · 23/12/2024 01:42

Mil has no access rights why are you putting up with this scenario?

Snorlaxo · 23/12/2024 01:45

There’s no such thing as grandparents rights in the UK so why would you indulge this? It’s a matter if time before dd repeats what MIL says or hears her badmouth you.
You also have the future problem of not being able to approach MIL with problems. She clearly thinks that she can do what she likes and won’t change her behaviour.

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Meadowfinch · 23/12/2024 02:03

Grandparents who no rights in the UK. If the arrangement doesn't suit you, just say no thanks. Be firm. Commit to going somewhere else on that day.

Say your dd is now old enough to need socialisation with DCs her own age and you've made other arrangements.

Do NOT allow a regular relationship to develop with someone who quite clearly is not your ally because that could set a precedent and be used to gain legal access.

Ppzd · 23/12/2024 12:42

Wow!!! I would never allow this!!! This is madness to let someone have access to your child without either of your parents or without having any info on what is being dobe/happening to your child! Even nursery/school tells you what they do and what happens. Do not allow this anymore, massive red flag to me!

TinyMouseTheatre · 23/12/2024 13:04

What does your DP say when you say that you don't want your DD to go?

VeryStressedMum · 23/12/2024 13:16

Why exactly are you allowing this. Do you think you have to? Is your husband forcing this to happen?
The grandparents have no rights and your child is too young for all this dysfunctional carry on. Put a stop to it immediately.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 23/12/2024 13:23

Your partner does have a backbone.
He knows how unhappy you are yet he's quite happy to insist your shared child goes to his mum, isn't he? Despite how you feel? Despite how you're treated?

His problem is not lack of backbone, it's who his has chosen to prioritise. He doesn't want to upset her but you? You he's happy to upset.

That's the truth of it.
The day will come when she will turn on your child and you won't be there to stop it.

God knows what she's saying to your child already.

MumChp · 23/12/2024 13:26

Just say no.
Child is 2.5 yo. Grandmother can see her at your house or go with your husband to the park/zoo.

C152 · 23/12/2024 15:02

Why are you letting your toddler go to this woman's house for an entire day, without you or her father there? If she's disrespectful to your face, she's going to do exactly the same, if not worse, behind your back. I'd worry less about your child thinking this is dysfunctional and more about your MIL deliberately turning your child against you.

Original poster
Dolly2288 · 23/12/2024 20:52

I'm pathetic, I live in a small town and care too much what people think. And she'd be the first to go round saying that I'd stopped her from seeing her granddaughter. And thrive off it. I struggled terribly post partum and my partners knew all along my struggles and is one to just keep the peace even though she's a terrible mother to him too and again he doesn't want to be rude and just make it look like everyone gets along

OP posts:
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 23/12/2024 21:02

Does your daughter enjoy seeing her grandma?

stayathomer · 23/12/2024 21:07

does she go with your dh? I don’t know it’s as easy as not having a backbone- she’s his mum and he loves her- I know mn think dh’s should automatically ignore mils but I’d hate dh to tell me to let go of my mum even if she wasn’t acting great to him

Original poster
Dolly2288 · 23/12/2024 21:17

I think she does enjoy it. However when I said to her the other day she was going to grandmas she said "don't like grandma" and I said of course you do, rightly or wrongly I don't want her to dislike people. She never talks about her or mentions her when she's at home

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolly2288 · 23/12/2024 21:18

I would love nothing more than to get on with her and have a lovely bond. She's never once asked me anything about my life about me, I've done all sorts to try and make myself be liked and I've got to the point I don't make any effort anymore

OP posts:
Fraaances · 23/12/2024 21:20

Just stop it. You’re allowing legal precedent. Pull the plug on that immediately. Start arranging other activities on all of the days for a while.

TinyTeachr · 23/12/2024 23:16

I think this is a time to be very busy to break the habit.

Invite MIL to come with you - "Oh, DD and I are going to the zoo, would you like to join us?" She won't take you up on it, but also can't accuse you of denying access. Cut down the time she spends there over a few visits by "needing" to pick her up in the afternoon to go to a play date etc.

Basically, if saying no is too hard, don't say it. Just be less available

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 24/12/2024 04:54

Dolly2288 · 23/12/2024 21:17

I think she does enjoy it. However when I said to her the other day she was going to grandmas she said "don't like grandma" and I said of course you do, rightly or wrongly I don't want her to dislike people. She never talks about her or mentions her when she's at home

Listen to her. She doesn't like it. She's allowed not to like people. Why isn't she allowed not to like people?

This sounds utterly barking that you send your little dd for a whole day. To someone who dislikes you. How bizarre.

Wallywobbles · 24/12/2024 04:58

Why do you live so close? Could you not move away from the gossip? You sound terribly put upon. Everyone will already have an opinion on her in a small village. If you're going to live there you need to grow a thicker skin.

LetsNCagain · 24/12/2024 04:59

she said "don't like grandma" and I said of course you do, rightly or wrongly I don't want her to dislike people

This is a terrible thing to enforce in your daughter.

Stop sending a 2yo to spend a whole day with someone you don't like, who isn't open and communicative about what they're doing together.

Your poor child.

Snorlaxo · 24/12/2024 05:03

A horrible person could see your dd 6 days a week and claim that you were withholding access if they wanted. You need to learn to stand up to her and say no.

It’s ok for Dd not to like people. You need her to be able to tell you if she bullied or someone says or does something upsetting. Don’t encourage her to become a doormat like you. She is 2.5 and should have all the confidence in the world to express herself honestly. Think about how being a doormat has affected your life. Do you want that for Dd? How many times did you lose out because you were “kind”? How many times did people take advantage of you?

MrsPeregrine · 24/12/2024 05:04

Dolly2288 · 23/12/2024 00:57

MIL doesn't like me and for the past 4 years has shown nothing but disrespect and my partner just tries to keep the peace and that involves me letting my daughter go to her house for a full day and not hearing a single thing about her what she's doing or where she's at. I'm sick of it all it makes me feel ill, me and partner don't go to her house or she doesn't come to ours, I don't have a relationship with her at all. I worry for my daughter who's 2.5 yrs that she will notice that I don't go to grandmas house etc and it's a dysfunctional set up. I'm sick of my partner not having a back bone and not wanting to upset her!
Advice please

No way would I allow this. I’m in a similar situation to you OP in that my mil made it very clear to me over the years that she doesn’t like me. She acted nice on the surface but chose to be the stereotypical nasty mil and used to do and say things that were intended to upset and insult me. In the end after putting up with it for many years I called her out on it. So now if she wants to see my DC she can come over to my house to visit them. But she never does. She lives 10 minutes away, which makes me think she is nothing more than a coward. If she felt she had done nothing wrong and truly loved her grand children then she would be able to hold her head high and would come over and visit them. But she doesn’t. I’m made out to be the mean one and am reminded constantly that I don’t let her see them. But I do - I have said on multiple occasions that she can come over. It’s just reaffirmed to me that bullies are nothing more than cowards.

Why would you let your daughter spend the whole day at the house of someone who doesn’t like you OP? She could be saying all manner of horrible things about you to your impressionable young child. If she wants to see her grand child, then make her get come over to your house. I bet she won't though.

HoppityBun · 24/12/2024 05:09

However when I said to her the other day she was going to grandmas she said "don't like grandma" and I said of course you do, rightly or wrongly I don't want her to dislike people

This is seriously bananas- you’re telling your child that she doesn’t feel what she’s told you that she does feel? That’s plain wrong: your “rightly or wrongly” is .. wrong and you should not be indifferent to that. How is she to learn to talk about her feelings and to trust you? Please get a grip and stop treating her like this.

MrsPeregrine · 24/12/2024 05:09

I just wanted to add - why should you lose out on time with your daughter at such a young age because of someone who chooses to be horrible to you? Children are only little for a short period of time. Be strong OP.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 24/12/2024 05:15

Dolly2288 · 23/12/2024 20:52

I'm pathetic, I live in a small town and care too much what people think. And she'd be the first to go round saying that I'd stopped her from seeing her granddaughter. And thrive off it. I struggled terribly post partum and my partners knew all along my struggles and is one to just keep the peace even though she's a terrible mother to him too and again he doesn't want to be rude and just make it look like everyone gets along

So basically he's happy to send his child to be cared for by someone who was a terrible parent because it makes his life easier to do so? That's some pretty shitty parenting right there. I can see letting MIL see the kids without me if it was just a case of different personalities and we didn't get on, but not this. Especially not a toddler because they can't communicate and you don't have any idea what goes on at her house. How does LO react when going to Grandma's and after having been there? The you don't see MIL could be addressed easily enough before LO is s tween as MIL wants to see LO and you don't get on. The bigger issue is is this ok or harming your child.