MIL expects access

[Dolly2288]

MIL doesn't like me and for the past 4 years has shown nothing but disrespect and my partner just tries to keep the peace and that involves me letting my daughter go to her house for a full day and not hearing a single thing about her what she's doing or where she's at. I'm sick of it all it makes me feel ill, me and partner don't go to her house or she doesn't come to ours, I don't have a relationship with her at all. I worry for my daughter who's 2.5 yrs that she will notice that I don't go to grandmas house etc and it's a dysfunctional set up. I'm sick of my partner not having a back bone and not wanting to upset her!
Advice please

she said "don't like grandma" and I said of course you do, rightly or wrongly I don't want her to dislike people
Well turns out I was wrong and she can communicate clearly about it. You are teaching your child her boundaries don't matter. It's one thing to say you need to be polite even if you don't like someone, it's completely not ok to undermine her feelings and try and make her love everyone. You obviously dislike MIL, your daughter is allowed to dislike her to. Stop worrying about the gossips and start supporting your daughter. You know this woman is a problem, you know she's a bad mum, you know she'll use threats and bad mouth people to get what she wants so it's your job as your child's mother to keep her safe from her and stop undermining her feelings. It's not good for girls to be told to always be kind and like everyone. I say girls because they tend get more of the your feelings don't matter be kind crap, obviously it's not good for any child to be told their feelings are wrong and don't matter.

Girls are taught to get along and be kind to everyone and that their feelings don't matter and it's part of why women end up in toxic relationships and putting themselves last. Your daughters feelings matter, they are not wrong and the last thing you should want to teach her is that she has to suppress her feelings and like everyone no matter how they treat her. It's definitely wrongly. I'm guessing you're a people pleaser so it probably feels foreign to you, being the same thougj I'm very determined my DD grows up knowing her feelings matter and not putting herself last.

Have younot considered there may be a reason she doesn't like her?
You're sending your child, alone, every week, to spend a day with a woman who's awful to you and you think she's going to be grandmother of the year to your child?

I'm sorry but this is pathetic.

You don't dare stand up for yourself and your dd because of what few people might think?

If people say anything, hold your head up and tell them it's because your mil is a bad person that you don't want around your dd.

Your dd says she doesn't like her grandmother. Back her up for goodness sakes. Don't bring her up to be a coward.

I live in a small town and care too much what people think

I say this kindly. Fuck what other people think. My "D"M is hypercritical of me and my DSis and will complain about us to anyone who will listen. We also come from a small community where we know a lot of the people.

Has it affected how we are viewed? Not one bit.

Most people now see her for the evil witch she is.

Stand up for your DD and your own feelings and your DD is allowed not to like people. I'm pretty sure you don't like her either. She's probably confused already about why she has to go there when she would probably rather be with you.

Under 3 they mainly learn by seeing how you interact with people, shed bit having that opportunity if you're not there. Just keep her home.

when it comes to your child, what matters most to you should never be what other people think.

I should have pointed out that I don't talk negatively about my "D"M but people will challenge me occasionally on some thing or other that my "D"M has said that I've five and I'm always happy to put them right with a smile if course.