Are we doing the right thing sending our potentially ASD 2 year old to nursery?

[Snacks4days]

It's a long one so I am just going to jump right into it.

DS is due to start nursery in two weeks. He is developmentally delayed and on the waitlist for an appointment at a child development centre for a multidisciplinary assessment for ASD. He has seen SALT and community pediatrician who have said in their professional opinions he is severely on the spectrum but official diagnosis can only be obtained through CDC. He only says very limited words (5) which are only said when he sees objects (no further use to communicate with them for example he says "nana" when he sees a banana but does not ask for banana or say banana when hungry). He does not respond to his name, nor does he understand simple directions given to him (pass that to me, sit down for example). He does not point nor understand if you point at something. He will not take your hand and lead you to something to communicate. The closest we get is a 360 cup thrown at our head if it is empty and he is thirsty.

Nursery staff are lovely, SENDCO and team are already aware of him and making a EHCP to put in place on his first day attending using what reports we have already gathered from medical professionals. However, the issue was his settling in session he had recently where parents take their LO's to the nursery so they can spend an hour and a half getting used to the room, talking to staff ect. Since then we are not sure if this is the right move for DS. We spent the first 30 minutes with him in the room with all the other children and staff letting him get out of his shell and allowing us to just put him down. We left him for an hour with them without us there and what we came back to broke out hearts. He was clinging to one of the nursery staff looking absolutely traumatised. Just thousand yard staring off into the distance, didn't even recognise us when we came in the room. Just all around acting like an animal frozen in place due to terror. Apparently not long after we left, he realised we had gone and he melted down and when one of the nursery staff went over to comfort him (the one he was clung to) he just latched onto her and refused to let go. That was only 1 hour of being there! We took him home and he finally started to come out of his shocked state after about an hour of being back home in his safe environment. It's got us wondering, are we doing the right thing? Is this just going to traumatise him?

To be honest we have some reservations upon seeing the room he is going to be in because he has so little understanding and is pretty much a 10 month old in a 2 year old body going into a room that is clearly for normal 2-3 year olds (little tables and chairs that he will 100% climb on; a water dispenser and little cups for the children to access water themselves that I can see him pulling over). We are also a bit concerned they are underestimating how delayed he is because the nursery worker was telling us all about what they get up to in the room and alot of it DS would not be able to join in with (potty training, the water dispensing, group activities). He will need constant supervision to be in that room without hurting himself and we are worried that they will not be able to do that without taking attention away from the other children.

Every single medical professional is like "YES get him in nursery!" but they haven't spent as much time with him as we have so don't know his as well as we do but maybe we are being too protective? Maybe it will be terrible initially but eventually he will adapt and start to benefit from it? But what kind of trauma would it inflict upon him until we get to that point? Are we doing the right thing? What's your experience sending your child to nursery? How did they react in their settling in sessions?

I obviously don't know you or your son but I would have an open mind at the moment about long term prognosis and the professionals saying send to nursery are in line with my experience. Both my DD's were non verbal at your sons age, I mean zero language, elder dd was diagnosed with multiple other delays then autism at 2 yrs 8 months, she went on to develop language at 3.5/4 - younger dc showing the same traits at the same ages was admitted to an early intervention programme at 15 months, the difference was that at 2.5 she developed language and her diagnosis is dyslexia and adhd. Both are independent self supporting adults I should add. I think that nursery really did help though, and that the early intervention helped dd2 get language early

DH and I definitely came away from the community paediatrician deflated too. It was more so because it felt like a tick box exercise than anything else. He asked me a lot of questions where we went through my sons developmental history, then got some rudimentary tests out to see if my son could stack block or put tiny pins into a board, of which he can do, and did a bit, but it was his lack of interest / attention that the doctor noted. At no point did he mention the word autism is suggestion with my son, the boxes were ticked and he was referred for bloods. This was when my son was 2.5, and was very different back then, very unaware of his surroundings, very uninterested, pretty much non-verbal, flapping with one hand, zero joint attention, zero joint interest, but he’s very different now, and it’s been just less than a year since that appointment. He’s been at pre-school 9 hours per week, and from January he’ll go 5 mornings a week. To be fair my son seems to tolerate and even enjoy going to a setting, but I did wait until he was over 2.5 to start him in a setting and that was only 3 hours per week.

Does your son have any specific interests? Opening and closing doors? Putting objects under or inside things? Letters / shapes / numbers? Defiantly relay all this information to the setting as these will be things they can use to engage him or even calm him. The PP who works in childcare is absolutely right, being in a setting at this age for a child like yours is not about socialisation, it’s about getting to know another adult and have a trusting relationship with them in another environment. Getting used to being around peers if he can tolerate that, and getting used to a routine outside of the home.

My LO has no diagnosis of anything, met his milestones slightly late but nothing significant. It took him a full 6 weeks to stop crying at nursery and he only started speaking there on his last day 8 months later. We sent him because I knew he would struggle in primary otherwise and the nursery allowed us to slowly oncrease his hours. Looking back I'm so glad I sent him but the transition was really hard.

For those who don’t understand why professionals often advise children showing signs of neurodivergence attending a setting, it’s not particularly for socialisation with peers, but in my experience this is to get the ball rolling with referrals and EHCP application. You need a tonne of evidence to get funding and support for your child and waiting times are unprecedented at the moment. This seems to be the primary reason. The other reasons are of course to get them used to being in a setting, and som children do really flourish. It’s also useful I am guessing to gauge those children who might benefit from more specialist provision rather than mainstream, and all of this has to happen early on. Also gives tired mum a break!

We were in a similar situation and chose to do nursery. Because he was on the pathway we got 15 hours funded.

It helped because it got him use to being around other kids/away from me.
I got a bit of respite.
Nursery did observations/reports which were useful when he started school and school looked at what funding he may need.
Another set of eyes/professional to discuss his needs/strategies with.

Overall it was positive, he did have to have 1:1 though.

He's nine now , still in mainstream with full time 1:1.

You're being too overprotective. My additional needs child thrives at nursery, he's 3.5 now and has less than five words, nowhere near potty trained and regularly climbs on tables. It's done him the world of good being around his peers, going through the motions of potty training and being in an environment where he can play and explore safely with the people there watching over him. He's been at nursery since age 2 and runs in every morning and doesn't look back

My little boy (3) is on the pathway to being assessed with ASD, to be honest it’s a formality and we (and all the professionals) know what the diagnosis will be. He has about 5 words, limited understanding and significant sensory needs.

He attends mainstream nursery, 4 full days a week (7.30-5) and he loves it. He started at 9 months old at 2 days when i went back to work and as family support got less we upped his days.

He runs into nursery each day super happy, they are super supportive of his quirks and know what makes him tick. Being in nursery helped me get DLA (by providing evidence), and they also used the funding that was granted by the DLA to the nursery to purchase some sensory items for him. we’re now in the process of getting an EHCP sorted for him and they have been incredibly helpful.

but most importantly it’s a setting that’s safe for him, he enjoys and allows me to work.

Speak to nursery staff about doing a more gradual settling in period. If that's not working for your child then trust your instincts & rethink your options.
I'm a CM & have looked after 2yr olds very similar to what you've described. I've found that younger children coming to a much smaller setting works well whan first going to childcare outwith familiar family members. CMs are much generally like going to a family home (need to check as some are larger & do operate more like small nurseries). This can allow young children to socialise with a small group of children & get used to 1 or 2 familiar adults. If you find a CM who is prepared to work with you towards transitioning to nursery when they are secure this can work really well. E.g. I've done 1st Yr with me, getting to know maybe 9 or 10 children of a similar age as I socialise with a couple of other CMs daily. Then working towards doing a day or half day at a smaller nursery & still having the familiar routine of coming to me on other days, then by pre school yr increasing nursery days, perhaps with me doing 1 day or doing wrap around.
1 child I looked after did similar & although he's deferred school for a yr as wasn't ready last Sept he is now very confident socially & has an excellent vocabulary & meeting all milestones for his age.

My son is three he is non speaking, globally delayed in all areas (between 12-18 months developmental age) and is probably autistic (waiting for an assessment). Originally he was with a child minder but she struggled with his clingy behaviour so at around 2 he went to nursery 3 full days a week which has now been upped to 4.

Now every child is different, but the help and support we have received since he has been attending is phenomenal. They have put us in touch with so many agencies, offered excellent advice and support.

Now he struggles to access a number of activities, but his key worker has supported him, done far more one to one with him than is funded, and bring around other children had been key to socialisation. Yes he does ignore them, but he isn't upset around other children, they do try to interact with him and over the past few weeks there has been some non verbal interactions!

I worried so much at first and the transition from child minder to nursery was a struggle. He had meltdowns, found drop offs and pick ups incredibly difficult, head banged, struggled with routines of nursery. But all of these issues have slowly eased and he is very settled.

I would say even though he is developmentally 10 months remember nurseries do cater for that age. Have good communication with his key worker, ask about a support plan where he can have a focus on three targets (you need to have this evidence for a EHCP plan anyway. Finally it's good transition to reception. I have decided to delay entry for a year, if he continues on his developmental trajectory he will only be developmentally 2.1/2 by that point so he will need a lot of support. But we will bridge that gap when we get to it.

I would try him at nursery even if it's just mornings or short days, in the long run it will help him socialise, develop and learn. You are doing the absolute best you can, ignore the idiotic comments!

Child may struggle at nursery but you won't know until he attends. I would give it a go and if it doesn't work you will know.

It's good the ehcp is in progress. You don't need the nursery to do it you can do a parental request using the ipsea template, which I would recommend so you are in control and not waiting for input from nursery, especially if you may need to go tribunal. Which is likely as child is not at compulsory school age yet

I don't know that anyone will know best what you can do but I can share my experience.

My son was diagnosed autistic at 2. We were pressured by local authority to put him in nursery but fundementally I just didn't think the environment would be for him. I spent a long time building his confidence to attend a soft play for 30 mins, I worked on his regulation... We did tons of messy play.

Eventually at 3.5 ish I thought I saw signs he could start to enjoy it. I did get an ehcp before he started as I knew he would need significant support. He struggled a lot but we literally did 30 mins for weeks, then an hour, then by the second term we did 2 hours and upwards till we got to 4 hours. This was his max. But I'm pleased I did it gradually as he never developed a trauma and it ended up being a positive experience for him.

He's now 6 and attends a specialist school as mainstream was never for him.

Ultimately trust your gut on what your child needs.

As you don't "need" it I'd be tempted to delay.

My eldest I regret sending to nursery at age 2. She always seemed a bit sensitive, but ASD hasn't crossed my mind just then - in her case her verbal communication was very good.

She was never happy. DH did the drop off nd pick-up, and she never truly settled. She was still napping at home, but rarely napped at nursery and then slept in the car (disasterous timing!). She has issues around food and she didnt eat there. EVER. So she would have nothing but water between waking up and getting home at 6.30pm.

We hoped it would improve once she had settled. Pulled her out after 7 months of very little improvement. However, at age 3 (so having had a 5 month break) she skipped merrily into a small preachool without a backwards glance.

It can be really hard to tell when your child is ready if they aren't developing typically. Go with your gut, you know your child best. Mine struggles with transitions and new settings.

I really don't think you can say this. All children are different. Being in a busy environment is never one my son will thrive in. He still struggles now even in a class with 6 children in specialist. Mainstream was incredibly challenging for him despite fantastic staff. As my son got older it became more and more obvious that the gap was widening and his needs have become more profound.

Some children will thrive in nursery. Some won't. Just like some adults love an office environment but some hate it.

I would give it a go. Yes you can apply for an EHCP yourself but nursery reports will really help with this. My children are (I think!) neurotypical but both took a bit of time to settle at nursery - one was 2.5 and one 3yo. Mine went to school nurseries though.