Different parenting views - give up on marriage?

[BellaGan]

How does one decide how to continue in marriage if parenting approach and in general view in children is very different? Children are still very small 3 and 1.

If children were not here we would probably happily live together.

But

We clearly have very different views.

My style is to listen, explain why we do or don’t do things and try to have strong routines as well as spend quality time with the children.

My other half spends minimal time with them. When at home it is almost no time spent together (will sit in the same room but looking at the phone) it’s only when we go out as a family to do something that there is more interaction.

My main issue is that my other half never helps to navigate any feelings the three year old might have instead gets annoyed. Said that the kids are annoying. There is sometimes shouting and said the 3 year old shouldn’t do things that make my other half shout.

Thank you. Completely agree.

I think that divorce should not be the automatic or sole solution to this… especially when children are involved. Both of you have a fundamental responsibility to participate in your children’s lives. Obviously, he isn’t.. I agree with another poster, your post sent shivers down my spine.

We’re not talking about a change in parenting styles, we’re talking about a parent who puts in all the work and an absent parent. I obviously don’t know much else about your marital life apart from what you’ve posted, but I’m a believer in communication.

I would start with opening up a conversation on the topic and sharing the ways ins which you’d want him to be involved.He should be open to establishing a collaborative and supportive co-parenting plan. Effective parenting (when both parents are present) requires team effort, with both parents working together to create a stable and nurturing environment for their children.

@BearClaire completely agree with you. I’ve tried re the communication but feel like we are stuck. Rereading my post sent shivers down my own spine, yet, at least one poster suggested it might be annoying watching me listen to and explain things to a 3 year old.

My other half reached a point where in his eyes I’m just nagging and we don’t seem to be able to get pass that.

We are actually very civil but reached a point where I don’t care anymore about hurting his feelings when it comes to our children and he doesn’t care about anything I say in terms of how I would like him to step up and thinks that I just nag and don’t give him any credit for anything (children related)

@Resilienceisimportant I’m interested and now invested. You said good parenting from ‘us’ as both, you and your husband I assume. You would find it annoying explaining anything to a three year old but your kids didn’t tantrum.

How did you achieve no tantrums? We have hardly any here but those that we have are mainly when my husband has to get the 3 year old do something. Or sometimes when I’m trying to get them do something and am very tired or stressed and lose patience not tuning in just trying to rush things along (and don’t get me wrong I do rush things along and create a sense of urgency when for example we need to get out of the door on time - but I’m present and tuned in, it’s only when I feel overwhelmed with 100 other things things go wrong)

I would be looking for a middle ground. Your way might not necessarily be the right way or the only way. I cringe sometimes when I see a mother laboriously explaining to a small child about something that he/she is too young to understand in the first place. Sometimes children need a clear instruction: "No - we do not do that", and sometimes they need a bit more in the way of reasoning - but you do need to be able to distinguish between the two situations.

The important thing is to be able to try and put yourself into the mind of a child and see the world as they might with their near-empty experience bank and undeveloped reasoning power. I suspect that this is where your OH is struggling - to grasp that children do not arrive ready-programmed with all the things that experience has taught us over time, and all the emotional control.

The key is to respond from your understanding of a child's eye view without labouring the point overtly with the child - use that knowledge to respond sensitively, but do not grind on about it all in a way that simply puzzles the child.

You and your OH do need to find a way of coming to a compromise without rancour. He needs to get his head round a child's brain, and you need to meet him half way on appropriate responses. The reality is that sometimes as they grow it is not shock-horror to get annoyed with a child (in a restrained way) - they have to gradually learn that some things are annoying and it is better not to do them; but until your OH grasps the reality of how a child's mind works he will have no reason not to get annoyed (except hopefully not wanting to cause a child distress).

Hopefully you can find a way to meet in the middle, but if you can't then it may prove to be the nail in your marriage coffin. I hope not.

There is a danger that one parent sees themselves as the main person who has all the knowledge on parenting and the other partner is totally sidelined and expected to defer to the boss parent. That is a dangerous scenario.

My late OH and I parented very differently, and the chidlren understood that and took it in their stride. He looked after them on his day off while I worked and I had no problem knowing that there would be rather a different style going on.

It would be great if you could get to that point.

Those who are criticising my comment may need to consider why my visceral reaction. I worked with children who experienced abuse, physical and emotional. Adults not recognising emotional needs of young children is horrendous.

Sadly children not tantruming is an indication of not having their emotional needs met. Children tantrum because they feel their emotional needs will be met and they feel safe.

I suggest a few of you do some reading on child emotional development because the comments are very sad .

Listen. Your comment was rude and unnecessary. Perhaps you should think about your responses on a public forum?

Whether you’ve worked with children who have experienced abuse or not your response was nasty and uncalled for.

Just for your inflated ego, you are not he only only one who has worked with children who have experienced trauma or abuse on this forum and there is no need to suggest anything to anyone. We’re all adult’s who can make decisions and informed choices.

Have a nice evening.

My comment was authentic. Surely a anonymous forum so where people can be honest! And if the makes someone question their own behaviour in meeting a childs emotional needs I really don't care how rude that is because it is too important.

You were nasty in your response. There is no need for rudeness. Educating others in a different approach (if that was your intention) certainly doesn’t work with rudeness to another poster. It may be important to you, however, there is a much better way of explaining things. If you don’t care in how you come across then you have an issue.

You think people should be kind and gentle to adults who are questioning that a three year old has feelings? ??

Yep, no that isn't rude at all .

@BellaGan I’m sorry if I derailed your thread due to picking another poster up on their rudeness.

You were rude and nasty, as I said have a nice evening. You clearly feel strongly about the issue the OP has raised, please take your issue to a thread of your own as you’re derailing this thread and I personally don’t wish to derail the OP’s thread.

And yet you keep derailing it with your own PA rudeness. You and PP disagree. I am more on her side than yours but it doesn't matter. Start your own thread if you want to argue with each other.

OP parenting classes could help with the 'nagging' misogynist stuff. Then someone else is telling him. Books? How To Talk... is good.

I would suggest parenting courses and family therapy first if you still love him.
If you break up he'll presumably want to have some weekends at least with the kids - do you feel he's safe to have them then?

Exactly what I said in my previous post 😂

@BellaGan Have you ever tried knowing if he is currently facing any problems he didn't share with you? Maybe he is currently feeling overwhelmed by so many things that he feels that parenting your 3 yo kid is the least priority for him right now since you're there to take care of it.

I know others don't do this, but have you tried checking with his family? Or friends? They might have an idea of what's going on. Effective communication takes time to develop, and you and your OH should be honest with each other and tell exactly how you feel about something or what you think about a certain topic. When deciding matters, don't decide on your own, ask for their opinion and consider things well.

Those are my two cents, as I'm someone that always tries to see the best in people, but I also believe in going with your gut

@BearClaire you know what. I think I actually know that he is overwhelmed. Without going into detail I feel like if I ‘ease off’ things would get better but it will basically mean me taking pretty much all of the parenting load. Having said that, it feel like I’m still doing all of the parenting load anyway.

Aaahhh, food for thought…. Thanks for your comment!