Different parenting views - give up on marriage?

[BellaGan]

How does one decide how to continue in marriage if parenting approach and in general view in children is very different? Children are still very small 3 and 1.

If children were not here we would probably happily live together.

But

We clearly have very different views.

My style is to listen, explain why we do or don’t do things and try to have strong routines as well as spend quality time with the children.

My other half spends minimal time with them. When at home it is almost no time spent together (will sit in the same room but looking at the phone) it’s only when we go out as a family to do something that there is more interaction.

My main issue is that my other half never helps to navigate any feelings the three year old might have instead gets annoyed. Said that the kids are annoying. There is sometimes shouting and said the 3 year old shouldn’t do things that make my other half shout.

If you really feel that you're totally different then yes, perhaps it's marriage ending.

BUT.... I would think that surely there's a middle ground here? I mean, spending hours trying to explain things and explore feelings with a three year old can be a bit much. On the other hand, him largely ignoring them at home is also an issue.

Having said that, it hink some slight differences in parenting is helpful. DH is much better at the playing stuff. He's also good at emotional conversations. I'm a bit tougher than him - pushing routines, insisting on bedtimes rather than deep meaningful conversations and so on. I'm the one that's talking to them about school and helping with school projects because I don't mind that sort of structure. He's good at less structured stuff that I would never do like teaching them to ride a bike or practicing football or whatever.

That's not different styles. That's one lazy arse who does no parenting.

If he just wants to be lazy, and works hard elsewhere, I could live with 'don't get annoyed, leave it to me'. But lazy and grumpy with kids, I don't know where you go with it.

That’s a tricky one op. Would he take on 50/50 if you split and if so, would it be any better?

Not saying you shouldn’t split btw! But some men improve as parents when their dc get older and are out of the infant stage.

Agree with pp though that this isn’t a clash of parenting styles, more that you are putting the work in, and he is not. So not as likely he will change.

Why not get through Christmas as a “happy family” and have a serious word with him in the NY and tell him that his commitment to parenting so far has been a disappointment to you and may well be a deal breaker. Let that sink in a bit and see what he says?

Unless he has some serious excuse like depression or intolerable work stress, and he’s not prepared to change, then this isn’t sustainable long term probably.

How on earth are you really able to listen to a 3 year old and a 1 year old. It probably is annoying to listen to you reason with very young kids who probably can’t communicate that effectively. Young kids are very hard work and aren’t super engaging at time outside of logistics.

Navigating a three year olds feelings. Now I’ve heard everything.

His is not a 'parenting style'. It's not being bothered to parent. And you wouldn't be perfectly happy without the kids - if you hadn't had them at some point something else in life would have hit that meant he needed to not prioritise himself and be a partner, and at that point he'd have failed like he is now.

Your bloke doesn't have a parenting technique, he's pointless. A kid does not 'make' a man shout, he chooses to.
Do you find such a deadbeat attractive? Your kids will think it's normal for a father to want nothing to do with his kids.

If you think it isn't possible to listen to a 3 year old I hope you've never had one. A 1 year old is less verbal but can still absolutely communicate in ways that can be understood if you bother to try.

I have actually - more than one who turned out to be really brilliant successful kids. Yeah I bothered to try and thankfully succeeded very well thank you. Thanks for the snark though. Why do you think kids have tantrums - because they can’t effectively communicate what they are thinking or feeling. Or are you a leading child psychologist who knows better?

The thing is my 3 year old can actually communicate rather well. Will tell you if they are sad, or happy or angry and will tell you why. Also will ask for a cuddle when upset.

If you give up on the marriage, how do you envisage childcare going forward?
Would he have them 50/50? Do you think he would have to be more bothered if you weren't there?
And as others have said, "not spending time with the kids" is not really a parenting technique.

Funny enough that is also a point that makes me wonder what is the best thing to do. If we split it would very unlikely be 50/50 but of course he should have them! If I’m completely honest if something happened to me I do worry what life would they have with him as their main carer / parent.

It does feel a bit like being between a rock and a hard place.

I think before thinking of divorce it would be worthwhile to try and have a proper sit down serious chat about parenting really. He’s not doing any parenting at the moment, that needs to change. He doesn’t have to agree with everything you do but he does need to listen to your reasoning, why you do things etc and understand that, and he also needs to be able to talk to you about why he parents the way he does (AKA not at all) and why he thinks that is the best way.

He probably won’t like being pulled up on it but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying.

You don't have different parenting styles.

You are parenting.

He's opting out of doing so in any meaningful way.

I don't know how you can still be attracted to such a shit, joyless dad.

Poor kids and poor you, he sounds pretty awful.

There is his relationship with the kids and your relationship with him.

the relationship with the kids is virtually nonexistent.

how is your relationship with him?

would you consider marriage counselling and parenting classes?

if yes, I’d issue an ultimatum to try these things before undertaking divorce.

There is 0 chance this man will end up doing 50% custody. He might blather on about it a bit at the point he thinks it would save him money, but he won't actually do it. I think when planning out the scenarios if you leave OP you need to plan for having very little meaningful shared parenting and what that looks like for you rather than for the scenario of having to be without the kids half the time.

That’s not a different parenting style, that’s your DP being a lazy bastard who can’t be arsed with the hard work of parenting.

Even if he adopted a stricter approach than you ( I did ), it still involves talking, explaining, showing rather than shouting at them. It would almost certainly be easier for you and the DC to be apart from him if he doesn’t step up.

Ignoring the children and occasionally shouting at them isn't a parenting style. It sounds like he does not like children, including his own.

Did you not discuss this pre-children?

And did you also not notice when he showed no interest in the first one? It was a strange decision to have another one under those circumstances.

This in spades. You're already doing the real parenting by yourself. Get rid of the shouty lazy "the 3 yr old made me do it" tosser. You'll only grow to resent him massively.

Life is short but the days are long.

Your post sends shivers down my spine. If course parents should support young children expressing their feelings and at 3 they are well able to. They learn the vocab on early years.

Either you are very out of date of child development or you really missed a key step that hopefully their education filled.

Children who have the vocab and are encouraged will tantrum less and will develop a higher level of emotional intelligence.

Taking on the comments about did you not discuss pre-children or did you not notice after the first. I still wouldn’t turn back time if I could as I have my two children. I wanted two (so did he very much) and I can’t imagine not having them. If there was different father they would be different children. Now I have them I can honestly say if there ends up being nothing else I ‘like’ about my other half it will always be the children he co-created.

I’m financially independent and would always support as much contact as possible if it comes to it but I feel confident if I had to provide for them and raise them on my own.

OP. given his attitude to them now, it's highly unlikely that he will want 50:50 or even 10:90. As they become more opinionated and determined, he will get less enthusiastic.

I have an ex who manages 20 nights a year and even that, only after ds was 5, toilet trained, able to manage a knife & fork, and ex had acquired a new woman to do most of the care.

I suspect that is how yours will end. Some men turn out to be completely selfish and indifferent. I'm sorry.

So are you saying that you were aware that he was not going to make a good father but felt he was an appropriate sperm donor so had children with him anyway? It's a little unfair that your children will now potentially have to go through a very predictable divorce, and by the sound of it, deal with an absent, disinterested father if that's the case.

Your post sends serious shivers down my spine. But then I wouldn’t ever be that dramatic. No, not out of touch at all - recent teenagers and good parenting all around from us but thanks for the judgement. My kids didn’t tantrum so I wouldn’t know.

Well, no, that’s not what I said, is it. Also the second was on the way when the first barely turned 1 before any toddler challenges set in, still in the cute baby stage.

Your post sends shivers down my spine For goodness sake give your head a wobble. That poster said nothing to send shivers down anyone’s spine. What a nasty, sanctimonious post.