Santa not real?!

[ivysmummy101]

I’ll try and keep it short! I have a very close friend, who has been very good to me over the years. I love her dearly. I can’t fault her as a friend at all. But I struggle being around her 10 year old son. I think he’s very rude and spoilt. For example I’ve cooked him dinner and he’s told me it’s disgusting, or it’s ‘too soggy’ or something along those lines. He’s offered to help me with something, like tidying his plates, and he’s then asked for payment in return. If I’ve had to discipline him, he’ll throw things at my walls or scream in my face. Baring in mind he is nearly the same height as me as I’m only 5,2. I’ve also noticed he’s very nasty to my 5 year old daughter. I’ve caught him multiple times pushing her, snatching things from her, and saying horrible things and calling her names. It’s got to the point I cannot leave them in a room together alone. Which has made my friendship with his mother/my friend hard as it means I can’t spend time with her while she has him. Most recently today, he pulled my 5 year old aside, and told her Santa isn’t real. When she cried, he reiterated several times he’s not real, rather than reassuring her. And even explained parents buy the presents and pretend Santa is real. I’m absolutely gutted. He’s not only ruined my daughters Christmas/childhood, but also stripped me of being able to make Christmas magical for her. I can’t have more children so I feel really gutted I’ve been stripped of it so soon. I wouldn’t be so upset if she was older but she’s only 5 and she was so excited for Santa to visit. She’s been crying all night and I’ve tried to reassure her but the damage has been done. I am so heartbroken I don’t even want to speak to my friend. She’s reached out to apologise and said “he didn’t mean it in a nasty way” but I don’t believe that. Should I just distance myself or should I say something!! Please help 😭 to add, she does always discipline him when things come up but she does make excuses to me directly

Why host a kid like this? I don't get it.

I would tell daughter FC is real if you believe in him.
Tbh a class mate coukd have told her the same thing at school.

Oh no. That's awful!
I'm sorry, but everyone can see what sort of bloke this child is going to end up being like.
I worry how on earth any innocent child ends up so horrible.
I couldn't be friends anymore I just couldn't.

I mean it's not really about the Santa stuff, it's everything else. It's the aggression.

Unfortunately my friend always has her child, so the friendship would need to end if I could no longer see her son. So it’s probably why I’ve delayed it so long. I doubt anyone from school would tell her, she’s only 5 years old and her school is only reception to year 2. It’s more the malicious intent behind telling her rather than it just being a slip of the tongue or coming into conversation

I agree. If a boy grows up knowing he can hurt people’s feelings but he can get away with it because ‘he didn’t mean it’, he won’t grow to be a nice man x

I would end a friendship if I had to put up with a child like this.

i woukd try to go for lunch, cinema or a coffee without kids if I liked her but I wouldn't allow her child near mine or host him as you describe it.

You can't do a lot can you?
But you have the choice not to spend time with him.

Thank you. I’ve come to the realisation that this is my only option!

End the friendship.

You can still salvage things with the Santa thing as she’s only 5. Santa footprints, watch Santa’s tracker, tell her of course he’d say that because he’s naughty etc and make sure she gets exactly what she wants for Christmas from Santa.

Maybe a big Santa experience for next year if affordable such as Lapland.

What's the situation overall @ivysmummy101 ? What do the respective dad's think of all this? Could you really not meet without the kids at all?

It sounds like the lad has some massive issues and whilst your friend sounds like she's been a good friend to you over the years and I would hope is at least trying to deal with his behaviour, clearly at the moment it's not working right now, for anyone.

I'd take a step back, especially if you can't meet without the kids. Focus on Christmas with your daughter and let her focus on Christmas with her son.

Try talking when everything has calmed down a bit.

Thank you so much for the reassurance. We’ve already got Lapland booked for next Christmas so I just hope I can convince her! 😭

His father has no involvement, which is why my friend does not get any time to herself without her son. She has no family in the country either. My daughters dad is in the forces so currently deployed but I know he would be gutted if he found out as he’s had to miss every Christmas so far, so he’d be really upset to find out she doesn’t believe when he is back next year for the first time over Xmas

I'm so sorry this has happened OP and whilst I'm sure there will be posters who come along and tell you it's not a big deal I think it's a huge deal and would be really upset as well (also a parent of an only so get that side of it as well)

I would tell your friend that this is the final straw and while you would like to maintain the friendship you will not have her child around yours.

Agree with previous posters that you can still keep the magic. Doesn't believe in santa because he's on the naughty list so santa doesn't bring him anything etc.

Oh and a little tip...make sure her presents are wrapped in different paper from the ones to friends and family and start putting a present under the tree from you if you don't do that already so she doesnt think the Santa presents can be from you. Little things can make the difference

Sending hugs

This could have happend anyway.
Yes, this (not so nice) boy was the reason for her experience but lot of children could had told her FC isn't real. Even they are young one or two children in a class often enjoy saying these things to stir up things and emotions.

We have always had the approach of "if you believe...." which meant our children felt sorry for a child like this.

My friend has just text me apologising again, but has again said her son didn’t do it intentionally and wasn’t to know that he wasn’t allowed to tell my child. Shall I send this message or just leave it and distance myself?!

I’m absolutely gutted to be honest. Your son has intentionally shut my daughter in the bedroom, told her not only once but multiple times santas not real, and gone into logistics by saying parents do it all. He’s not just accidentally said it or said it without thinking, he’s purposely gone out his way to prove Santa isn’t real.
When my daughter got upset he begged her not to tell us, shouted “NO” when she tried to come downstairs and chased her down. That in itself shows he knew exactly what he was doing and proves he knew what he did was wrong.
It wasn’t accidental, he’s intentionally tried to hurt her feelings and ruin something magical for her, just because he doesn’t believe anymore. He’s a grown boy now and he should know better. I bet he doesn’t go round telling the young kids in his school Santa isn’t real, because he knows he’d be in massive trouble. She’s only 5 and she’s been crying about Santa not being real all evening. It’s also sad for me because I’ll never get a Christmas again with her believing in Santa. It’s taken the moment away from me when not necessary. He should be big enough to know not to hurt other people’s feelings and we should also be holding him accountable for doing something quite nasty rather than saying he didn’t mean it because it was done in a malicious way and was completely intentional

I wouldn't send it while you're still upset. Wait till the morning, and if you still want to send it, do it then.

I would send it tbh. Except change the we to "you"

It isn't your job to hold her child accountable for anything

It reminds me of the time I found out my child had been bullied for 2 years at primary school by 2 other children. One of the other mums came up to me in the playground and said "oh she wasn't doing it to be mean" oh fuck off

Oh that’s awful! I hate when people don’t hold their children accountable for things like that

You can save it with your daughter by telling her he making that up to upset her.

But frankly? Your wet-lettuce attitude caused this.

The only thing to do is to say that if X doesn't believe in Santa it must be because he doesn't get any presents. Maybe he's on the naughty list? 🤔 What do YOU think dd, do you think X is nice or naughty?

Given the history it's pretty certain she'll say naughty.

YES he is naughty, I suppose that must be why he thinks he's not real then, because he doesn't get presents. What a silly boy etc.

Then NEVER let your child be in the same room as him again. If that means ending the friendship, so be it.

Agree

I would absolutely send that text and like a PP said I would change we to you... she should be holding him accountable and making excuses for him is ridiculous and demonstrates he's likely not really been told off

The safety of your daughter is more important than your friendship. End it now.
The santa thing was mean but at the end of the day he isn't real so I wouldn't now lie to your daughter again, otherwise that's a worse message in the long term.
FYI my children knew from very early on that santa wasn't real and they still had magical Christmases. Just say "yes he is not real but it's a nice thing to pretend anyway. Don't say it to other children as they want to still pretend. Do you? That's ok too."

@Brefugee this "But frankly? Your wet-lettuce attitude caused this" was frankly really rude and unnecessary.

This happened to my daughter, but at school 🤨. When she told me I pulled a sad, concerned face and said “ oh dear, child x must be on the naughty list, and his parents know so buy him presents so he won’t be upset. That’s why his presents are from his parents, not Santa. Poor child x” . It worked