Santa not real?!

[ivysmummy101]

I’ll try and keep it short! I have a very close friend, who has been very good to me over the years. I love her dearly. I can’t fault her as a friend at all. But I struggle being around her 10 year old son. I think he’s very rude and spoilt. For example I’ve cooked him dinner and he’s told me it’s disgusting, or it’s ‘too soggy’ or something along those lines. He’s offered to help me with something, like tidying his plates, and he’s then asked for payment in return. If I’ve had to discipline him, he’ll throw things at my walls or scream in my face. Baring in mind he is nearly the same height as me as I’m only 5,2. I’ve also noticed he’s very nasty to my 5 year old daughter. I’ve caught him multiple times pushing her, snatching things from her, and saying horrible things and calling her names. It’s got to the point I cannot leave them in a room together alone. Which has made my friendship with his mother/my friend hard as it means I can’t spend time with her while she has him. Most recently today, he pulled my 5 year old aside, and told her Santa isn’t real. When she cried, he reiterated several times he’s not real, rather than reassuring her. And even explained parents buy the presents and pretend Santa is real. I’m absolutely gutted. He’s not only ruined my daughters Christmas/childhood, but also stripped me of being able to make Christmas magical for her. I can’t have more children so I feel really gutted I’ve been stripped of it so soon. I wouldn’t be so upset if she was older but she’s only 5 and she was so excited for Santa to visit. She’s been crying all night and I’ve tried to reassure her but the damage has been done. I am so heartbroken I don’t even want to speak to my friend. She’s reached out to apologise and said “he didn’t mean it in a nasty way” but I don’t believe that. Should I just distance myself or should I say something!! Please help 😭 to add, she does always discipline him when things come up but she does make excuses to me directly

I am so so sorry that it's been ruined when she's only 5 :((( I think if it were me I'd be telling her he lied and it absolutely is real and she'll see on Christmas Day when he's been. You can use the tracker app, put snow feet out etc. she's only 5, I feel sure she could believe again x

Sometimes OP's here need a kick up the bum tho.

Apols @ivysmummy101 i was too harsh but you really ought to have addressed your friend's son's behaviour with her long before this.

This! Do this. I used to say to mine the people that don't believe, must be on the naughty list and don't get presents. She'll believe it because he sounds like an absolute sod.

I would most definitely let the friendship go. He's mean to your child and rude to you and this is only going to get worse quite frankly.

I thought this! Since when did being kind and forgiving become ‘wet lettuce attitude’ 😂 name calling is just as low as the boys behaviour who we are talking about haha

Glad you can laugh and rise above it x you need to be quite thick skinned on MN!

Sleep on it and then send the message in the morning. Personally I would remove this sentence: It’s also sad for me because I’ll never get a Christmas again with her believing in Santa.

Sending the message will end the friendship, but I think you're there anyway. It's not so much about her son's behaviour as her attitude towards it.

Wrt your DD, she's only five so I'm sure she'll come back around to magic. The 6pm news on rte in Ireland always ends with a report from the North pole and Santa setting off, so add that to your list.

Wtf? How have you arrived at that conclusion? Bit harsh on the OP

Oh and get her something small she knows you don't like - slime, Coco pops, whatever it is that mummy would definitely never buy her.

You sit your daughter down and say im sorry about that. He is on the naughty list and won’t get any presents so his mum told him Santa isn’t real.

Then you need to only see your friend at her house or out when you don’t have your child with you. If she asked just say they don’t get along so I would rather keep them apart. Your daughter is not a toy to keep him amused.

I have some amazing friends with kids same age as my kids. They would end up fighting and my son would go mad and get violent. So I stopped bringing him when I saw them. Now they are older it’s fine.

Slime it is! Haha. Thank you so much for your suggestions. Appreciate everyone for reassuring me and making me feel heard. I’ll sleep on it and possibly send the message tomorrow. Otherwise just leave it, and distance myself completely xx

You were "kind and forgiving" of awful behaviour which had previously adversely affected your daughter and kept on inviting that child to your home. Why? Because you were unable to tell your friend?

You need to protect your daughter.

FWIW I like the message you have prepared. It gets to the point

Id send the message, even though it might seem harsh you're doing her a favour by pointing out the facts and it might not be too late to rescue what sounds like an extremely unpleasant child

Think I'd just write that his actions during/after showed that he did know what he was doing. Just leave it at one line.

Are they going to Lapland with you?

I've written before how my DD was sceptical about FC from a very young age. But was largely brought round by meeting up with an authentic FC. Can you do that? Even if it's from afar. And on Christmas Eve use NASAs / Sky tracker to follow thean in red (if that won't get her over excited)

My cousin told me santa wasn't real at a young age another cousin said to me " do you really think our parents could afford all those toys" and it completely restored my belief and kept me believing for years. I don't know if a 5 year old understands money enough to say that to her but worth a try?

This child, who is the size of a grown adult, who has been physically violent towards your child and screams in your face, should never have been given the opportunity to spirit your child away to a bedroom to be horrible to her.

Frankly, he sounds like a boy that young girls should not be around and in a few years, I'd be very concerned. Better to not have the friendship than have this child in your DD's life.

A child hellbent on upsetting and hurting a much smaller child is dangerous. It's like hurting animals, it's a massive red flag.

Your friend sounds like a crap parent

I think you need to face the end of this friendship.

You can salvage Christmas easily, but you need to show your daughter that you're a mother who stands up for her child and won't let her be bullied. If that means telling your friend her son is no longer welcome in your home, then that's what you must do, and let the chips fall where they may.

This woman is in for a world of pain when her son hits puberty. Everyone who encounters him will also suffer. You need to keep him well away from your child. He is dangerous.

Assure your child that the boy won't be back in your home, that he is a nasty bully, and that you are very sorry he hurt her feelings like that. Ask her how she has felt when this boy is around.

Tell her of course Santa is real, that you believe in him too, and show her your letter to him. Then get yourself a present to open on Christmas morning.

I agree.

This boy is dangerous and hopefully will never again cross your child's path.

You need to stop putting your dd through this. See your friend separately from the kids or not at all.

You have allowed this kid to terrorise your daughter for the sake of spending time with your friend. The Santa thing is the straw that broke the camels back but you should have stepped in much earlier

As you already knew what this boy was like you were remiss to let him be alone upstairs with your DD in the first place, for many reasons besides this unfortunate incident. The Santa thing is salvageable if you want it to be, so the whole "ruined Christmas" or "ruined her childhood" is just your emotions talking; neither is true in reality and you'll see that once you've calmed down.

With regard to the friendship, the logistics clearly mean that it can't continue, but I wouldn't sent the rambling message you've posted here. I'd just say something simple, like "Unfortunately, I don't believe that's the case and while ever you continue to make excuses for him rather than addressing X's behaviour, I don't think we can continue to see each other". Then leave it at that.

her son didn’t do it intentionally and wasn’t to know that he wasn’t allowed to tell my child.

BULLSHIT

see her if you want bit make it plain neither your daughter nor you will never be around her brat again.
And sadly I doubt you will convince your kid. It’s done now. But you can still enjoy your Lapland trip for the prettiness and fun.

Be glad that you are the one who is a good parent and your friend is the one who has massively failed, given how this boy has turned out.

You can definitely salvage the Santa thing at 5.

I told my kids that when kids stop believing in Santa, he stops coming and the Mum's and Dad's then have to buy the presents.

Also, once you stop believing, Santa's magic makes it so that you forget that you EVER believed, until you become a Mummy or a Daddy and then you remember that you believed.

So, if kids at school or other kids say that he's not real or that it's the Mums and Dad's that buy the presents then it's because it's true for them. But, for you, if you still believe, then Santa still comes.

Also, I'd say that this boy was being very naughty because he's on Santa's naughty list and he wanted to hurt her and Santa by saying those things.

I would never let this boy be around my child again.

I'd definitely send a message to her, but I wouldn't send the long one you posted earlier. While I agree with everything you said, there's just no point going into such detail. Be concise and be blunt with what you want her to hear. Those bits are getting lost in the long message.

"It was both intentional and malicious. He went into great detail to convince her, so it wasn't just an accidental slip of the tongue he regretted. You need to hold him accountable for this as it is cruel behaviour".

Cool the friendship - your dd should be your priority and her welfare comes above your friendship, whether that’s primarily about your desire for friendship or feeling sorry for your friend. Your dd comes first.

You should have distanced yourself when you realised that he was bullying and pushing your dd. You sound more upset about how this affects you than how it affects your dd.

There are lots of Christmas movies designed for exactly this sort of scenario. Focus on your dd and what she needs rather than on texting your friend.