Teen DD Problems - anger, hostility and blame

[Sickofitalltonight]

Name change.

DD (16 years old in Year 12) is furious at me all of the time. She accuses me of criticizing her appearance and belittling her. She blames me for her developing an eating disorder (she binges and also avoids eating). She claims that I have given her "extreme body dysmorphia".

She won't speak to be, but screams at me to shut up.

She also treats DH very badly, but confides in him. He tells me nothing and says it's private. He did let it slip that she'd said that she feels suicidal and he found paracetamol in her room. I find it absolutely unacceptable that I wasn't told about this immediately.

She has weekly meetings with the school nurse, after which DD seems even more angry with me. Again, I'm not privy to anything that's said in the meetings. When I asks, she's screams at me that it's none of my business.

I'm shut out from everything.

I love DD with all my heart, but I just can't take bring screamed at and blamed for everything all of the time.

Don't know why I've posted. I suppose it's because I have no one to talk to about this.

Tensions are so high at home that DH and I have said that we'll split up.

Her meetings with the school nurse are medical/therapeutic and you are not entitled to know what is happening in those sessions.

People with EDs need psychological support and they need to have a confidential space to be able to discuss stuff.

It sounds like your relationship with her is not in a good place.

I appreciate that the meetings are confidential, but I don't understand why they seem to make her feel more and more angry with me.

Our relationship is in a very bad place and I don't know how to make it right.

I booked a family counselling session, but it didn't alter anything. As soon as we got in the car, she was angry with me again

This sounds very difficult and like you would benefit from some support yourself to discuss the dynamics at home.

For example, you feel shut out from everything but really you are pushing boundaries by asking your DD to tell you about her meetings with the school nurse which is literally none of your business. You need to back off and tell her you are there for her and if she needs support you will do anything for her.

Also by not respecting or trusting your DH to handle the things your DD tells him in confidence, you are cutting off a lifeline. She needs a parent she can trust and lean on, she has chosen her Dad. You need to accept this and be in the wings for when she does need you and can feel she can trust you again- which you may have to earn back.

Yes, no one can live with being shouted at and blamed all the time by an angry teenager. She is getting help for this. But I think you also need help on how to navigate this while she is struggling without trying to assert control over knowing everything.

I didn't have a teen with an ED but I did have a teen with severe depression.

They do shut you out.

After therapy/discussions they will have all kinds of uncomfortable feelings that they don't really want to feel so it's quite normal for them to be angry/upset afterwards.

It's not easy, but the best thing to do is to detach.

Your child is seriously ill. You need to support them through it, but part of their problem is that they are struggling to express their feelings.

Accept they are going to be angry afterwards therapy. Try not to take it personally.

If your child knew you were being told about what they say in therapy (or that your husband has told you about their suicidal feelings) they would never talk to anyone ever again and believe me that is worse.

Was this your idea? And how did you secure her agreement to go?

Can you pin point anything you’ve said about her appearance or weight before? It seems like there’s a lot of anger related to this particular issue. Have you ever asked her outright why she feels like that about you if it isn’t grounded in anything?

Thank you for your replies.

She says that she also has depression.

I just don't know what to do. I think she'd be very glad if I just moved out and left her and her dad alone, but I can't leave her.

She agreed to do the family therapy and seemed to actually enjoy it while we were in the room.

I told her that she could do Slimming World with me, as she said she wanted to lose weight. She was slightly overweight at that point, so I thought this was harmless.

I also told her that he hair was being dried out by hair straighteners (as did the hairdresser).

These are two things that she mentions, except she says that I called her fat and ugly.

I also recently reminded her to order a repeat prescription for her acne cream. She said I was calling her ugly.

I totally understand not leaving her and the family home. However, I think what she is crying out for is space. You can give her space and time simply by not asking her about her school nurse meetings, not demanding your DH share what she has told him in confidence and not booking family counselling to try and get her to bring up her most painful thoughts in front of you.

A pp had it right, you need to detach and not take the anger personally. The shouting will decrease if you make allowances and she doesn’t get a rise out of you. You could also listen to what she is saying through the anger and do some self-reflection. Have you made mistakes as a parent and role model that have contributed to her eating disorder and depression? No parent gets it right all the time.

She is full of anger, and she feels safe to take it out on you. Keep going to the family counseling. Be very careful with what you say and keep offering support. When she yells at you either just walk away from her, or if you can’t because you are in the car ignore it. Don’t respond no matter what she says.

Don't stop telling her you love her - I know she is being hostile but deep down she needs to hear this. And it will settle somewhere in her consciousness.

Make sure you don't tell her in a "loaded" way - e.g. "I don't know why you are being so rude to me when I love you so much."

Just say "I love you lots" - and leave it at that.

I've made many, many mistakes. I do think that she twists my words and actions dramatically to suit her angry narrativr though.

She just shuts herself away in her room and screams at me to go away or shut up if I knock.

I feel a mixture of crushing sadness, but also very annoyed about the whole situation - she's getting more and more angry at me and I just can't cope.

But afterwards she was angry at you, like after other therapies she has done with the school nurse. So I am not sure why you are saying it “didn’t alter anything” were you expecting something different? It seems you may have unrealistic views as to how therapy affects a person directly after a session.

Thank you for your advice, everyone. I really appreciate it.

Yes, I think you're right. I probably am being unrealistic.

This has been going on for about 18 months, btw.

It's common for a parent to be blamed for everything just try not to react and get some personal therapy detach as much as you can

This is the silent treatment which is a type of emotional abuse. I would not advise ignoring her so completely. I would listen, express that you love her, that you hear she is hurting and angry, if she has a valid complaint offer a genuine apology.

When she yells, I would ask her to try not to yell, that you want to hear her out but you can’t take the yelling. Only if she persists would I give her a warning and then walk away.

It sounds really serious. I would expect this to take years to navigate. It won’t be this bad all the time, it will gradually get better with wobbles/relapses along the way. There is no quick fix to this, I’m sorry to say. 18mos means you are in likely the thick of it. Please don’t lose hope, and reach out for support for you. You and he can’t help your DD if you are struggling too. Even just someone to talk to that understands teen anger and how hard it is for a teenager to come to terms with a life long eating disorder and to fight depression would do you good.

There are things I think you need to get off your chest that you can’t say in front of your DD or DH- you need a listening ear and gentle guidance for those things.

I don't have any advice but I am going through something similar and it is horrific. I just want to offer solidarity.
Until someone experiences this type of treatment from your child that you have done your best for it is incomprehensible the pain it causes
My life revolves around making my childs' life better but like you OP everything gets twisted and I get told I am the cause of every bad thing that has ever happened and she twists absolutely everything to the point it makes me feel like I am going insane. Space doesn't work as she 'chases' me poking me like a bear until I end up shouting (nobody could endure the poking trust me). I think some posters have been a bit harsh but probably because they can't imagine the unimaginable

Edited to correct some small writing errors

Unless talking ends in arguing. Which it sounds like it does. Mothers are people. Not emotional punching bags, even in a situation like this. DD needs to learn to communicate without constantly screaming and yelling. Walking away is different to giving her silent treatment. It’s setting a boundary.

I wasn’t calling the walking away silent treatment, you can see I addressed that in my second paragraph.

I was referring to this: Don’t respond no matter what she says. which is the silent treatment and is abusive.