14yo trans.

[Tempnchange]

Hey 👋 so as the title says my 14yo DD has told me she is trans, she came out as lesbian a couple months ago, which went great we had a really good conversation about it and she has come to me a few times about issues with her girlfriend.
the trans thing isn’t an issue if i genuinely believed she was trans but i don’t, and i am angry because she really believes she is, i know i sound like i am in denial but bit of background,
she is autistic, and very easily influenced by things- this is why we have not allowed her on social media yet, she watches things on YouTube and believes whatever is the gods honest truth and we have to actually prove to her that its wrong.
3 of her friends in the last year have come out as trans- it seems to me to be a trend within her group of friends at the moment.
she doesn’t believe me when i say that it is totally normal for young teenagers to feel unhappy with their bodies, we all go through it and its just a case of getting used to your body and learning to love it again after a big change- it does not mean she wants to be a boy- she says she doesn’t like her body and so to me has jumped to conclusions.
She is wildly over dramatic and blows things waaayyy out of proportion alot- hence why i think she has taken “i don’t like my body” to “i must want to be a boy”.
she is the most feminine person i know, it was only a week ago she begged me to crochet her a cute little headband for her, she spends minimum of 30 minutes a day doing her hair and make up, planning her outfits etc
we have had a disagreement about it this afternoon where she has gotten upset and said i am being unfair and just accept it but i don’t think i can because i don’t think it is true, any ideas how i can help her sort through her thoughts on this? Am i in denial? I honestly don’t know what to do with this, Thanks.

The is the 'parents of lgbt' board and also the 'feminism sex and gender' board have had threads on this. You are likely to hear very strongly put views on 'both sides' of the discussion, but most come from concern for the child.

I have no actual first hand experience but have followed the arguments.

'Watchful waiting' seems to be a good middle ground, especially since the Cass review.

This seems to be permit whatever clothes she wants, possibly permit a known as name change.
Acknowledge her feelings.
Don't socially transition and accept 'he/his' or use of opposite sex changing etc. 'Not a neutral act' according to Cass iirc
Don't allow breast binders.
Be very clear you can't ever actually change sex, and opposite sex hormones are no longer allowed for children. (I think).

Try to avoid arguments or entrenched positions as it makes it harder to row back from.

Autistic girls are very susceptible to this it seems.

Good luck.

I’d have a look at https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/ - it’s a group for parents going through the same thing.

Well at the moment i have said that i don’t believe she is trans, and asked her to look at the transgender trend website but she refused, she is adamant she is trans and refuses to acknowledge that she is feminine, it feels like alot of the things she is saying is scripted like “i use eyeliner to draw a beard when im feeling low” - this is rubbish, she shares a room with her younger sister and younger sister would have said something, she has no filter, and can’t keep a secret if her life depended on it so would definitely let slip if her big sister was being funny and drawing beards on her face- i have blocked her from using YouTube, as from what i have read there is alot of misinformation/brainwashing videos on there that could be influencing her and coaching her into what to say. I am trying to adopt a wait and see approach but she is wanting full steam ahead of acceptance which i cannot give at the moment, i have told her this and she said i am in denial 🤦🏻‍♀️.
@EmpressaurusKitty thank you for the information, i have had a quick read through and will definitely delve deeper later when it is quieter- currently have a clingy poorly baby.
She has always been very attention seeking, thats sounds horrible but she likes drama, and i feel like because her coming out as lesbian didn’t give her the dramatic flare she wanted this is the next thing.
she is big on labels too, i am forever telling her to stop labelling everything/everyone, her sister said she wanted some skirts for Christmas and she instantly looked around and ‘labelled her ‘such n such’ to which i replied no shes just likes those types of skirts, it doesn’t define who/what she is.

I would have a look into the school's approach too.

She has always been very attention seeking, thats sounds horrible but she likes drama, and i feel like because her coming out as lesbian didn’t give her the dramatic flare she wanted this is the next thing.

If this is the case I just wouldn’t give her the attention over it. You’ll soon get an idea of if it’s a reaction she’s after or if she genuinely thinks she is trans

I would be careful about not antagonising her too much with your views. I have an autistic daughter a similar age who gets very upset if I share my views on this. I find my daughter can dig deeper when things become a battle.

Perhaps, as the poster above says, don't give it the oxygen. 'That's nice dear' when she says she is trans? Is she asking for a boys name or asking for you to call her he?

Teenage girls hating their bodies is totally normal, I hate this ideology that has led some of them wanting to damage their healthy bodies.

I'd also suggest you contact bayswater for advice. I wouldn't bother with the autism charities because, largely speaking, they are captured.

I don’t think the school is aware at the moment, but I didn’t ask her if she has told them.

Yes well i have left the conversation for now, i will wait and see if she brings it up again, i do genuinely believe its a reaction she wants, it seems pointless to me to go through the worry of coming out as lesbian only to then decide she is trans? So i think because she didn’t particularly get a reaction other than oh really? Ok 👌🏻 when she came out as lesbian that trans will get a bigger reaction maybe xx

Yes she is very much like that to the point she will argue/find an excuse to everything even to the point it contradicts what she has said before.
yes i have said to her that all teenagers male and female go through a not liking their body phase and that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or your body, its completely normal.
thank you i will at a later date if i feel she is really digging deep, i mean i have to yell up the stairs to her every morning telling her to hurry up else she will be late cause she is doing her hair and makeup, faffing in the mirror etc how can she go from that to - i think im a boy in literally a week i just don’t understand xx

Definitely sounds like attention seeking.

Deep breaths!

Good luck.

Bayswater is mentioned above - Our Duty is also a very good source of support and information for parents of children who identify as trans. ourduty.group/united-kingdom/

Yes i am will have a look at both and transgender trend, see if i can gather as much information as i can before broaching the subject with her again, and hopefully i can get her to do some reasearch instead of listening to youtube or her friends so i know she definitely has all the right information, because i think at the moment she is saying shes not happy with her body and that all the YouTube videos and her friends are saying oh you must be trans then, the world these days are so quick to label without all the information xx

What I meant by this is try to find out how the school will react if she tells them and pre-empt as necessary.
Some schools fall over themselves to be accepting and seem to positively encourage kids to transition. Others are more circumspect.
Again, after Cass, they are on a sticky wicket if they agree to socially transition her behind your back.

Explain to her that her body is going through a lot of changes at this age and it’s ok to have question or not feel certain or positive about things that are going on.

Let her know that it’s ok to feel these things and she can talk to you about anything just the important thing to remember is that she doesn’t need to put a label on anything or make decisions about things right now.

our body is just a shell and our soul and who we are inside is what’s is important. Try and get her not to focus so much on what she is and focus more on who she is.

I'd pull her out of the school she's in and change to a different one.

I don’t want to get the school involved at this point because like you said some schools positively encourage transition, and i don’t think she is trans, so i don’t want encouragement and 3 of her friends have come out as trans just this year, thats just within her friend group, there are about 1200 pupils at the school and we are always hearing about ‘so n so’ coming out as gay/lesbian/trans- we have 2 trans girls in our neighbourhood in different years to DD too, so i am going to assume her school is one of those ‘positive encouragement schools rather than work with the student to actually help them come to a decision about who they are xx

I have explained to her that puberty/hormones etc is a difficult time and she is at the age where she is still trying to work out who she is and thats ok, but it is a huge decision, one which if chosen wrong and certain paths taken is irreversible- she wants acceptance and hormones/chest surgery etc like NOW, but its such a sudden change i feel that its just a phase and that she isn’t actually trans and will regret it if i go along with those decisions and then she decides she isn’t but its too late.
we have had many arguments about her need to label everything/everyone but she doesn’t understand why it is an issue, i feel at this point she needs a reset- no internet, no whatsapp etc just family time so she can come out of the labelled world she lives in and just enjoy things for what they are- no labels xx

I have seriously considered this, and i think possibly after the Christmas holidays homeschooling her as i think a fair share of this has come from influences/peer pressure from her friends, i don’t want her to not have any friends but i think the group she is in at the moment are in her support group for behavioural issues and maybe not a good fit for a easily influenced autistic girl xx

100% of 'trans' teenagers are autistic; it is an autism presentation, in a similar way to anorexia. It speaks to discomfort with bodily change, being 'emotionally' young during puberty, and wanting to be part of a tribe.

Tell your DD that you're pleased she's exploring her personality. That nothing is set in stone. Decide on your red lines and stick to them, you need to be the adult.

In my day it was slipknot hoodies and Marilyn Manson to piss off your parents. Id lean into it, take her to the menswear department and make her buy a pair of blue chinos (man uniform).

I don't think it is true or helpful to link this entirely to autism (unless you have sources?)
However I agree that autistic children do seem to be over represented.

You sound like you have got the measure of this OP. Well done. I especially agree with your plan to detox (or at least reduce) online time etc.

Get her on a long hike or working on an indoor craft project.

You may find the advice on this thread useful: www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5229878-safeguarding-trans-issues?page=1

Yes this is what i feel is happening, she feels uncomfortable with how her body has changed and she and her friends have then jump to the conclusion she is trans rather than accepting it is normal to feel uncomfortable/ not like your body at that age or any age really, and you need to relearn to love your body and its changes, but of course im old and saying i was her age once falls on deaf ears.

The best approach I found through this was "that's interesting" change subject ... DD's friend in our case, wanted to change name fine (chose unisex name) and started wearing baggy more masculine cut clothes and cut hair short, all fine. For 4 years it was call me he ... fast forward to age 20 and they get into a serious same sex relationship and blossomed, grew hair, started wearing clothes which were a bit more feminine (still mostly trousers but feminine cut ones and tighter tops) and now is she again. Basically hold tight, humour them but don't get into discussion because they may seek treatment once old enough to spite you basically, and most will grow out of this phase. Of my dcs cohort 7 I know said they were trans and 2 have gone on to transition both m to f, all the f to m either reverted fully or are non binary but female oriented

@TeenToTwenties

link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40489-022-00338-2

Not enough evidence but strong correlation; theories include less adherence to social norms and less awareness of sex differences.

I've worked with teenagers for 20 years. Autistic teenagers struggle so much to fit in. Gender identity seems to be the means by which they express their feelings of difference and distress.