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Parenting

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Original poster

DC don't want to spend Christmas with XH

64 replies

RealHousewivesOfTaunton · 13/12/2024 22:18

My DC are 14 and 12. They've alternated spending Christmas between me and XH since we separated nearly 10 years ago. This is XH's year to have them and DD says she doesn't want to go. I don't know what to do for the best.

XH is a bit of a loose canon. He's had problems with alcohol, drugs and his mental health over the last few years. He's had a string of girlfriends, lives with them for a year or so until they get fed up and kick him out. He then sofa surfs with his own family members. He doesn't last long in jobs. He's just finished serving an 18-month driving ban for drug-driving and driving without insurance.

He's very secretive so we're constantly having to piece together the story. As far as we can tell, his latest girlfriend threw him out a couple of months ago and he's currently living on his own. He's also lost his job, was living on benefits for a few weeks but has just stopped receiving those as well. He has the DC for one day every other weekend (no overnights) but it's been a bit patchy recently. The DC usually like spending time with him.

DD says she wants to spend Christmas Day with us. XH hasn't given any indication of what he's planning so as far as she knows, they'll be spending the day in his flat with just him. All my family and MIL are spending the day at my brother's so it's understandable that she sees that as the better option.

If plans stay as they are, the DC will wake up at home, have breakfast and open presents with us before we take them to XH for 10-ish. We'll then collect them at 6. In my mind, it's not that big an ask for them to have Christmas dinner with their dad, open some presents and probably watch a film in the afternoon. If he's sinking back into a depressed car-crash of poverty and substance abuse then I won't be permitting contact. But if he's generally ok then would it be terrible to make her go?

OP posts:

GravyBoatWars · 13/12/2024 23:51

Give them each the option independently. Ask some neutral questions to make sure that the primary concern isn't missing a specific activity with you, and offer to work out some alternatives for a visit (possibly a shorter one or one out of his home) on one of the days around Christmas so that it isn't an all or nothing proposition.

I wasn't willing to spend time at my mother's at that age after my parents divorced - she had mental health & substance abuse issues and it meant that she wasn't really a parent. Being there was simply depressing and it didn't feel like a home.12 year-olds aren't supposed to feel like they're the most responsible, stable person in the house or that the priority is protecting their parent's feelings.

At 12 she's likely cottoned on to him being a disappointing father and will have lots of feelings to work through around that while figuring out what sort of relationship she's willing to have and role she's going to let him play in her life. It's hard and she'll need your support in that, especially support for her setting boundaries and protecting herself when she feels the need.

PrioritisePleasure24 · 14/12/2024 07:56

At 12 i would of wanted to spend christmas with more people and have a fun day….. can they not go a different day. As teens and a nearly teen i think they are allowed to choose?

NC10125 · 14/12/2024 08:00

It sounds like he’s a bit of a twat, but is your relationship good enough that you could suck up a day with him? If so can you be honest, tell him dd would rather go to your brothers and take him along?

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LouiseTopaz · 14/12/2024 08:07

I'd want to spend it with my cousin's to and not be stuck in a flat. It's unfair to force your DD she will be upset and have a rubbish Christmas. If she would rather spend Christmas day with her cousins then her dad that tells you all you need to know.

Longma · 14/12/2024 08:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

BlueSilverCats · 14/12/2024 09:07

This just feels like dumping him for a better offer though, rather than actually not wanting to go because he's a feckless twat.

Or... as she's 12 now, she's more aware and doesn't want to spend the run up to Christmas wondering/worrying about what ifs , will he be in a fit state , will plans change, will she have to ring you to pick her up earlier, will you decide at the door he's not in a fit state , will it be a good day or a bad one and so on.

It's Christmas, rightly or wrongly, it's a big day . would you choose uncertainty over a sure thing?

DisforDarkChocolate · 14/12/2024 09:11

I can't understand why you'd want them to spend any time with him, I bet it wouldn't be your first choice either.

Mmhmmn · 14/12/2024 09:16

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 13/12/2024 22:51

But it IS Christmas and he IS a feckless twat. I think they are allowed to choose a more pleasant Christmas at their age, surely? (At any age if there was any justice)

Yep, this. It’s not your kids’ fault that he’s got himself in such a mess. Just tell him they’re keen to stay home/do whatever else this Christmas. Up to him to work on things this year to seem a more appealing option next year.

Original poster

RealHousewivesOfTaunton · 14/12/2024 09:53

NC10125 · 14/12/2024 08:00

He was abusive to me in all sorts of ways, so no.

Lots of food for thought here, thankyou.

OP posts:

mummymayhem18 · 14/12/2024 10:05

I agree with everyone else. They are old enough to decide for themselves. Yes that might be a downer for there dad but actions have consequences. If he behaves sometimes in the way you describe then I can understand why they would rather spend the day with you and the rest of the family. Even if he didn't have those problems I'm not surprised they would rather be with cousins etc. They are at that age now. Just support there wishes but try and arrange for them to see there dad Boxing Day or New Years instead as a compromise.

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/12/2024 10:10

They are defo old enough to make their own decisions on this one. I certainly wouldn’t make them go - hardly the way to a happy Christmas is it. Maybe decide as close to the time as possible - if the ex has his act more together she might agree to go after all.

Frankiedear · 14/12/2024 10:18

Go with what the children say my ds at 8 was able to say to his dad that he wanted less contact with him, sounds simular to yours with added prison sentences for abusing me. I supported my ds, ex h was invited along for Xmas breakfast and present opening, which worked surprisingly well until the Xmas before he died when he went on a bender. Listen to your dc, his mess of a life is not their responsibility and I really would encourage them to do what they want in this circumstance

Borninabarn32 · 14/12/2024 10:23

I get you, it's like saying they don't want to visit grandma because it's boring.

But then we're saying she has to visit her dad out of obligation or for his happiness. And I don't think that's a great lesson in this situation. I don't think your daughter should learn to put him above her or to feel any obligation to look after him.

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/12/2024 10:33

RealHousewivesOfTaunton · 13/12/2024 22:19

DS is a grumpy teenager and hasn't volunteered an opinion either way. I don't want to plant seeds by asking.

it sounds horrible.
I wouldn’t want to spend Xmas in those circumstances.

I think you should make the call for the kids this year and stand up as the parent. .
Tell exH that you don’t know anything about how he is getting on or his living conditions and this year kids are to remain with you.

You daughter is she having anxiety about this . Having Xmas day being about the unknown than exciting and fun .

Please don’t send the kids.
They are old enough to decide for themselves but if it was me I’d take the blame for them tbh .

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2024 10:57

He was abusive to you but you don't want her to dump him for a better offer. I do. She's showing standards. Hopefully if you support those standards she will choose future partners carefully, expecting more than her DF offers.

It's Christmas, she would like a fun, happy day. Good for her. She'll waste a normal day on her feckless father, but not a special day. Maybe that means she won't be n here in 10 years having put up with crumbs from another feckless drunk.

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 14/12/2024 11:01

I would suggest she sees him on Christmas eve or boxing day instead. People on this site talk about natural consequences for children, but it is true for adults too. The natural consequence of being a secretive, addict, unreliable person is that people don't want to spend Christmas with you.

thepariscrimefiles · 14/12/2024 13:26

RealHousewivesOfTaunton · 13/12/2024 22:35

She's 12. There's no court order.

That does sound like a horrible Christmas Day for your kids. I wouldn't make her go. Wouldn't you feel guilty having a lovely Christmas Day with your family when your kids are having an awful time with their dad who probably won't make any effort at all.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 14/12/2024 13:31

I wouldn’t let this man anywhere near my child.

Safety comes first. He sounds as though he can barely care for himself, let alone a child.

SometimesCalmPerson · 14/12/2024 13:35

If he’s a father that wants the best for his children, he will be more than willing to do Christmas dinner with all the board games and presents from his family on Boxing Day, because he wouldn’t want them to miss out on a special occasion with their maternal family.

I think you’re doing the right thing by being so encouraging and supportive of contact with a dad who has so many struggles, but it’s not worth forcing it on Christmas Day.

xyz111 · 14/12/2024 13:48

But would be actually make a nice Christmas dinner? Does he have board games to play? Sounds like your DD knows he'll be a total let down and doesn't want to waste a special day like that. Don't blame her.

bellocchild · 14/12/2024 14:03

She will, in years to come, remember the family Christmas with her cousins with much greater pleasure than the alternative.

LlynTegid · 14/12/2024 14:06

Someone who drives whilst under the influence of drugs is someone who has little regard for human life, is indirectly a racist given who is most harmed by the drugs trade, and should never be allowed to drive again. However, the law does not see it that way.

I think your DC are old enough to be allowed an opinion as to what they want, and possibly should be respected. Being with other family members seems good to me.

SnappyCroc · 14/12/2024 14:06

I don't want to be insensitive OP, but you originally chose him and then you developed some standards and dumped him and you now don't have to spend any time with him. Yet your children, who didn't choose him and are now old enough to make up their minds, should?

If she was bailing on a dad who had generally done his best but was going through a rough patch or an aged grandparent who adored her and had always been there for her, then I'd agree that you had a point.

But I bet her dad bailed on her throughout her childhood whenever he couldn't be arsed/had a better offer.

I would think carefully about encouraging your DD to continue investing time and effort in one-sided and unrewarding relationships.

Fraaances · 14/12/2024 14:54

If he wants to spend it at yours because he has nowhere to be and you do all the work then no fucking way.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2024 15:09

you originally chose him and then you developed some standards and dumped him and you now don't have to spend any time with him. Yet your children, who didn't choose him and are now old enough to make up their minds, should?

Harsh but fair.

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