Bonding with second newborn with a toddler around?

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DC1 is 21 months (almost 2) and I have a newborn under 1M. My toddler is really struggling with jealousy and is wild and I'm super overwhelmed. I feel worried I won't bond with him, j love him so much and don't feel different about nb than I did toddler as a newborn but baby doesn't get any of my time apart from for feeds, has to be put down alot whereas dc1 was constantly cuddled and contact napped for months. I feel so sorry for newborn as toddler co sleeps whilst baby is in crib and only picked up for feeds. The chores have doubled aswell which is overwhelming in itself. I need advice:(

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I had a very similar gap between my 2 children. What help do you have? Can someone look after the toddler to give you time with the baby? Ds1 went to nursery, which helped. It gave me 1-1 time with the baby. Is this something you could look into? Ds was in nursery so I could work, but when I went on to mat leave, he went to a local play group in the community centre for a few hours a couple of days a week. It was great for all of us!

OP you will bond with your second 💚
It is so tough at the beginning, especially first 3-4 months in my opinion.
I have 17 months gap and first few month were a blur, with a massive Mum guilt as a theme. You can only do what you can do, please don’t feel bad over not being able to give newborn as much attention as you’d like
I found once newborn can sit things significantly improve. Keep going, you’re doing great

Same age gap with mine. Lots of attention and understanding to toddler, and cuddles with baby when possible. Snuggles with both? I have an old video with me reading them a story and then older child giving baby a kiss. You will bond with baby, and toddler needs to as well. Feeling stretched is a tale as old as time!

@Alwaystired23 I have in laws and parents both to help with toddler but she gets very upset when they try to take her (since baby has been born) and will cry and cry. I'm on mat leave at the moment so I'm free to do lots of things but can't even imagine doing anything right now. Was considering signing up for baby sensory with newborn, jusy the two of us. And then something else go give toddler time, I'm breastfeeding so she's glued to the TV whilst j do that. Do you have any suggestions for activities or play that don't involve screens with a toddler and newborn?

I have a 21 month age gap and found a couple of things helped me.

I bought my toddler some wooden cars that only came out when I was feeding my baby. He loved the cars and used to really enjoy baby’s feed (cuddle) time.

As much as possible I tried to put them down for naps at different times so I had one on one time with both of them.

I had a tiny cup and would put a small amount of milk in it for my toddler to drink at the end of each of baby’s feed so he wasn’t missing out and again
he really enjoyed that.

@Newhere5 thank you for your kind words, I'm feeling extreme mum guilt and have found myself crying on a night when they're both asleep. I wish I could split myself into two. Toddler has a shocking amount of tv time at the moment too which doesn't help anything

@GreenEggs483 thank you for the advice, have been extra attentive towards toddler even though she's started being violent towards me, it's getting difficult but she is so loved

@Christmaseason perfect yes I could get her some toys that are associated with feeding time!! That's a brilliant idea 💡

I had DD1 in nursery for 3 days a week, which was perfect for giving me time to focus on the baby. DH also had a decent paternity leave so he took out DD1 to her usual activities. But usually I'd go out with them and the baby just came everywhere with us. If there are any drop off classes for the toddler that's a good alternative to nursery, mine did dance and football which burned off energy and meant she got lots of attention and social interaction.

I'm a granny. Would you like a hug? You are doing fine!

I think that's a great idea!

Thank you ❤️ I truly feel reassured after this thread that I can do it!

You really can, you are already doing it.

I had an identical age gap. What I found really helped was learning how to feed in the sling. I was basically a human kangaroo for the first few months. Baby was as happy as a pig in muck because she got lots of sling cuddles, and I didnt have to stop for her eating. Toddler was happy because I was mobile and always had at least one hand free. We'd go to the park, soft play etc whilst I fed, I did things like baking with the toddler whilst the newborn sucked away. It's not easy juggling two, but I found that it really helped.

The special toy for feeding time is a great idea.

It’s a tricky age gap op and this is very normal in that context. The baby has no established normal in the family dynamic whereas dc1 does! I’ve therefore always been told worry more about the older child feeling pushed out if you have to prioritise. The baby mostly wants to sleep and isn’t old enough to keep a timesheet of it all! Love and cuddles when needed, but lots of attention for dc1. I had my mum stay at this point and basically left her holding the baby so I could keep my other routines normal and sloooowly reduce attention for older sibling. Baby definitely didn’t bond with my mum only! And very quickly the jostle for attention subsided DC1 feels threatened right now. If you can hold baby while watching a dvd or chatting about a toy with dc1 that works well for both

My newborn doesnt like the sling or cuddles in the sling position, I think he prefers laid down cuddles. He gets really stiff when I have him on my chest and tries to lift his head and neck. One thing I haven't done is ventured out, maybe I should start taking toddler out again!! To her usual activities and park walks etc x

Oh yes definitely. Baby tucked in pram will be perfectly happy and dc1 feels the baby is just tagging along on their outing. Prams are amazing tools for handling small children!

Op I know this doesn't help you right now but just know that everything is going to be ok. My now 6 year old had loads of screen time while i breastfed his younger sister and I can assure you he is a happy and healthy 6 year old now, doing great at school etc. I struggled so much during my youngest's first year and was depressed and overwhelmed. But again the baby herself is unaffected. She tells me she loves me every day (now nearly 3) and we have an amazing bond.

What I'm trying to say is don't stress too much about screen time, activities or bonding. Just do your best to survive and it will all come good and get much easier.

Sling. Have the baby in the sling all the time you're awake. They can nap in there too. Then they get the close physcial contact but you can still be available for the toddler

Ah don't worry. Mine are grown up now but I had the same age gap.
Baby number 2 got the benefit of me not being a super anxious new mum. He got me to himself for 2 years after the older one started school and we are very close now.
But as a newborn he came 2nd to the toddler. He was fed and cared for (which is all they really need) but didn't get my undivided attention. No chance I could use a sling as both babies were huge and my back could not take it. It was fine.

The other thing that happened was that the toddler got the undivided attention of dad whenever he was at home, day and night.

I have a pretty identical age gap and this took me right back to the early days- solidarity, it's a tough one!

I dealt with it by staying up half the night with the newborn for the first three months or so. We stayed downstairs and I held them while they slept, sang to them, stared at them... all the things I did with my first baby through the day.

This only worked because my husband took over wake-ups during the early hours and did breakfast with the toddler though.

It gets easier. I have a nearly four year old and a two year old and they love each other. We have lovely time all together and it's much easier to carve out one on one time for them both during daylight hours.

One thing I haven't done is ventured out, maybe I should start taking toddler out again!! To her usual activities and park walks etc x

I did this and found it really helped, I was a member of a gym that had a crèche and remember booking my toddler in for an hour like I usually did and sitting in the cafe with my baby and a coffee. Obviously I realise things are lot more expensive now. I worked out which toddler groups worked with having two DC and which ones were a bit tricky and I went for walks too and went shopping too.

Yes, honestly you've got to get out and about for everyone's sanity. Get up and out somewhere, home for lunch, nap and then some tv whilst it's cold and dark outside.

If baby doesn't like sling I wouldn't give up on it, I'd go and talk to whistling library for advice on different types of slings and also fit. Some people (I'm not saying this is necessarily the issue), don't tighten the sling enough because they're worried about hurting baby, and that can lead to the baby feeling insecure and unhappy compared with it being a snug hug. Some babies prefer their legs tucked up some of the legs out, some prefer a softer stretchy style wrap initially. You may never get there with a sling, but the rewards if you do are so awesome its worth persevering, especially for a second where you could do with having hands-free.

Yes this op. The important thing is get through it as happily as possible. Our paediatrician liked dvds! He said provided an adult sits with them and talks about it here and there ( just inane stuff like “ oh look Thomas is getting tired isn’t he! He has to chug up that very steep hill”) it’s not really any different from a book. He said it’s a way of keeping them still and safe while you feed baby etc.