Teenage son 'given up' on GCSE'S

[Amblu81]

My son is due to sit his GCSEs this summer and has told me over the weekend he just isn't going to bother. He is not academic, as hadnore detentions than I have had hot dinners and literally does the bare minimum to not get expeled. His saving grace is that he is polite, kind, always thinks of others and looks out for his mates....always accepts the punishment with good humour. One teacher said he is a joy to teach. She just wishes he actually did the work.
He doesn't want to go to college, reckons he can work for his Dad (we are separated) his Dad has several dubious construction businesses and already takes on 2 people who quite often get laid off as not enough work, much of it is cash in hand as his books only report £25,000 earnings. Also DS and him have a very on off relationship dueto his father's unpredictable temper, at the moment he barely goes round to his Dad's for dinner once a week.
He has sat 2 gcses already as that is how his school works. He missed out on 4s by 4 marks on one subject (we did 10 days ofcramming revision!), and for the other subject, media nvq, he got a distinction for his final assessment, but where he hadn't done well in the other assessments, he just missed the 4 again.
His mocks last month really disappointed him, 4 ungraded, 2 2s and a 1. He now just cannotbe bothered. Why try if he is going to fail anyway. It's like he thinks everyone will laugh at him if he tries and fails. He did the same with Cubs and then Army Cadets....got so far and then it came to an assessment, knew he was weak in one area and despite knowing its commonplace to need several attempts for the first 'star' he just quit and never went back. His LCpl was as stunned as I was as he was enjoying it and doing very well in most areas.
And as for not wanting to go to college, we viewed several colleges and one in particular really inspired him. There were options whatever grade he got, and he asked questions, engaged with staff on the night and genuinely wanted to go. That and an Apprenticeship....but now, nope, nothing.

I struggled to get him to even go to school this morning and where he refuses to do homework,he has 4 afterschool detethis wek, which doesn't help. He just doesn't see the point.

I work full time, I worked my way up through an engineering team to become head of department. Up until last week my evenings have been sat helping him with homework, revision and picking him up from detentions. Now he is refusing to even let me help. At his parents evening, his teachers even said he is bright, he can get 4s or 5s, he just needs to do the work. His science, again, so close! When we did a practise paper last week for his homework, there were only 2 questions he was stuck on. And we don't sit there for hours doing this, we grab a hot chocolate on the sofa and fo 2 x 10 min slots of a weekday evening. That's all he was prepared to do.

How do I get him to see he is throwing it all away, without adding pressure over these exams?
What else can I do? I am gutted for him! I have notified the school too.

Background, he is a July born so will still be 15 when he sits exams. He hangs round with a bunch of kids who are not intending on college and just want to do nothing, or work with their parents. I have DS 28 nights out of 30. It primarily rests with me as his Dad has a bull in a china shop approach. DS is the most laid back kid, nothing stresses him (other than his Dad), even constant detentions it seems.
Please help

He won't HAVE to resit them. That's a choice. He could do an Apprenticeship and do Functional Skills instead.

He needs to think it is doable - and it is, but I think they suddenly get overwhelmed by it all as there is so much content.
Remember he only needs 5 passes to open most doors in life, including English language and maths. Those are non negotiable. Then choose his three strongest other ones or ones YOU think you can understand sufficiently to get him over the line with.
It is definitely not too late. If you show him for example all the foundation science past papers he will see that the same questions come up again and again. It sounds like he gets science so that's good. If he is doing combined really that means only one more - then he would have English, maths, two sciences and may be a humanity? The RE syllabus is pretty straightforward if that's one he is doing? Geography and history are very content heavy.

I think it's very strange that parents give this much power to their children at this young age. He is 15. In today's standards, he is a child, and you are responsible for him.

It's already bizarre to me that in the UK, students can finish school at 16 (which was ok 100 years ago, but in modern days, it's not). Most European countries and states at the age of 18. So, a 15 years old can decide if they will finish school or not, and most responses here are to support him - very worrying.

You are the parent. You decide what he will do until he is living under your roof. No, it's not mean or harsh. It's called parenting.

If he can’t access GCSEs could he do functional skills maths & English so get a qualification in these as starter. If He could pass something it may boost his confidence.

He hangs round with a bunch of kids who are not intending on college and just want to do nothing

I imagine they are bullshitting...and your ds needs to not fall for it. My ds used to tell me none of his friends were revising....of course they were! They just didn't want to admit it to their mates. Likewise, I highly doubt all these kids parents are cool for them not to attend college and do nothing at home!

You can lead a horse to water but not make it drink.
I would be having a stern conversation about the viability of dad's 'job' and the pitfalls.
As others say, at least Maths and English will open some doors.
What are his long-term plans? Based on current levels, he can expect NMW jobs at best. It's possible to start at the bottom and work your way up, but that takes drive and ambition.
Does he want holidays, travel, hobbies, or social life? He can forget that, he will need to pay his way. A spreadsheet of household bills with his share highlighted. Does he think you will pay for him? I would be setting that out straight away
Looking at the bigger picture might concentrate his mind.

Well ... if he won't do it he won't do it. You could strap him to a chair in front if the revision but how do you force him to absorb the information.... you can't. Implying bad parenting is not helpful.

It's not a choice. It's a government funding condition.

He can do Functional Skills instead of GCSE resits if he gets a 2 or below in maths and English, but if he gets a 3, it has to be GCSE.

This was my DS year before last. Detention after detention for not completing homework or coursework. I tried everything to help him but he walked away from school with maths and double science GCSEs at grade 4 - everything else was 2s or 3s.

Trying to get him to sit down and do any work was a nightmare - the more I pushed the more he pushed back and the less he did. In the end to try and salvage some form of relationship with him I backed off hoping he would pick up the slack but he didn't.

He had the same idea that he would go and work for his dad which was probably the worst idea in the world. They are like chalk and cheese and spark off each other constantly.

I dragged him along to the open day at our local agriculture college and it was like a light bulb went on and he suddenly found what he wanted to do. He was accepted into a level 3 BTec on the proviso he passed 5 GCSEs but even that wasn't enough for him to put in the work.

Thankfully he did get a place on the Level 2 course and did so well they moved him up to the level 3 in September past. He's now getting merits and distinctions in his assignments and is thoroughly enjoying college but it's because he doing what he wants to do and what interests him.

He is still trying to pass his English GCSE as he failed it for the 3rd time in June! Fingers crossed he's passed the resit in November but if not he will have another go in June 25 🫣

He has a part time job at weekends with a local farmer and has been told he can go full time when he finishes college in the summer.

I think we were lucky in that we found a course that inspired DS - maybe it would be worth having a chat with your lad to see what he would love to do for work to see if there's any mileage in researching options? Failing GCSEs isn't the end of the world, it just means that another pathway needs to be found.

Can you find him tutors for English and for maths?

The amount of teenage boys I've taught who have become completely disengaged from school and working for their GCSEs because 'I can get a job with my dad doing construction'. It's so common. Did his dad drop out of school with no qualifications and 'it didn't do him any harm' too?

This is more than just about the academics though. As you say @Amblu81 he is avoiding doing anything that risks failing. His self-esteem must be extremely low to nonexistent. The question is, why? (I'm guessing his angry critical father may play a role here)

There's plenty of advice out there on building self esteem, resilience etc. I'd be focusing on his mental well-being.

@noblegiraffe his Dad went to one of the top UK grammar schools and still came out with Ds an Es....and a drug and alcohol habit that took a few years to shift. His parents had enough money to set him up in business with a very creative accountant to boot. DS doesn't have that luxury of financial backing or dodgy accounting.

@anonymoususer9876 exactly. My short term concern is his gcse's but long term, his self-esteem and the knock on effects of not want ever to fail. Nobody ever wants to fail but it happens and we cannot avoid umit forever. I have spent the past half hour looking at people like JK Rowling, turned down by publisher after publisher, Walt Disney, refused a job as he wasn't creative enough before he went on to form Disney, the Beatles, rejected by record labels before they got famous as rock bands going out of fashion. He has detentions practically all week after school but promised him we would go late night shopping after the last one Thursday, grab a Starbucks and spend some time together. It's our night together as younger Ds is with his Dad. I am not going to push the subject but going to try and find a way of opening a conversation with him.
I took him to a course of counseling before, but I don't think it went far enough. Maybe that is something I can look into again.

@whojamaflip we have an amazing agricultural college near us too, I have dragged him along to 2 open days there now and nothing really stood out unfortunately (I could happily of signed myself up for dog grooming, viniculture and tree surgery!) which is a shame as he has grown up around horses, dogs and sheep. He has helped out lambing a few years back, but just not interested in it as a career. I keep saying he just needs to find something he enjoys rather looking at careers from it as he needs to find something he can stick to. But that goes against everything I am saying about maths and English!!

@noblegiraffe that is very interesting. I had no idea, the school doesn't seem to care less unless the student is in line to get 7s, 8s and above it seems!

It’s ok. He’ll be ok.
My DS was the same: not academically motivated, needed dragging out of bed for school, intelligent but got grades 3 below his predicted.
I asked my dad how to make him work when he was 15ish. The answer? You can’t. If he’s not motivated by school, he won’t do it.
My dad did o-levels at night school when he needed them to progress in a job that caught his interest (then alevels, then later an open university degree!)
I only worked for vocational qualifications. You, OP, were similar from what you say.
My DS has his first job now, slightly above minimum wage but with room to progress. His boss and colleagues think he’s amazing. He’s interested in the work. He’s getting up in the morning half an hour before me and getting himself there. He’s found his motivation. Your DS can too, and it needn’t happen in school. Just remind him he always has the option and ability to study when the time is right for him.

This was my son last year when he did his GCSEs. He is a lovely, kind and gentle boy and not stupid, but he viewed exams as a waste of time and made no effort and didn't revise. I think he was afraid to fail so didn't try. I tried to help him with the course work which helped him get one GCSE and he also got English literature and maths passes but that was it, 3 GCSEs. He didn't bother going to the prom. He is now at college and not really interested in his course either. I've decided not to help him anymore as he is becoming an adult and needs to take responsibility for himself but it's hard to sit by and watch it. Me and DH were both hard workers, and I ended up in very successful jobs through grafting so just wonder where we went wrong

You did not go wrong! Your DS is just a very different person from you.

Is it possible he has some undiagnosed additional needs? He sounds extremely like my DS18. He was diagnosed ADHD & ASD in year 9. Although not diagnosed, I'm certain he also struggles with RSD (Rejection sensitive dysphoria), have a look up as could be describing your DS.

We managed to get DS engaged with a maths & English tutor for a few weeks before the final exams but think it was just too late. He was a few marks of a 4 in both maths and English. We have not managed to get him to consider resitting them yet (he's 18 now). However he has got a full time job, trained on the job and has worked every single day since he finished his GSCEs, some of that may have just been labouring but he went out and found the work himself.

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom here and shared experiences. School just isn't for him, well this particular school at least. Hoping he can see it through, sit his exams, forget about it and see what life holds for him next. But it is so hard watching him throw away the chance to get those 4s and 5s he could get if he put in a bit of effort.

He is a super cook....can make excellent profiteroles, meatloaf, noodles, etc. Doesn't want to be a chef. He just has a way with animals, they calm him and vice versa, but he doesn't want to work with them. We moved house a while back and he painted a wall in his room various shades of grey in a geometric print, but he doesn't want to be a decorator. He can talk at length and has a thorough understanding of MacBeth and Lord of the flies, but he cannot get any of that down on paper for his exams (he has always been a reader...doesnt read any more for leisure but its by far his favourite subject).

I will discuss with him options for more counselling, see how he feels. Again, you can take a horse to water....... I just wish he could see failing is part of life. It is never nice or fun but gives so many opportunities.

I would do as others have suggested and focus on the Maths and English. For many future choices these will be needed and with an apprenticeship or college course, he will have to either resit maths and English at gcse or do functional skills. So why not try and get them out of the way now, rather than having to suffer them for another year . That’s how id frame it anyway.

The problem is not that he's not academic, the problem is he doesn't work hard at anything.
My son hated school, cubs, music lessons. He stuck at football, always went to school but didn't really achieve or try to. His reception class teacher said he did the minimum ... it continued.
However, he got an apprenticeship, always turned up, now has his own company, always worked hard (and played hard). He does however wish he tried harder at school.
Sit him down and tell him he's not doing what he wants, he's staying in, revising ... to make the best of it. Tell him there will be no propping him up because he's not 'worked', he'll be expected to support himself and contribute to the household as an 'adult' ... money wise and chores.

This is so common, the number of students I taught who were "going to work with Dad, and he didn't get any GCSEs anyway and doing alright" they don't seem to understand they probably won't want to still be working for dad in 10 / 20/30 years.

First things first though is talking to the Senco and his pastoral lead. He can be separated from the other boys during lesson time if they are a bad influence.Lots of the time this disengagement is due to an undiagnosed need, often dyslexia or dyscalculia but often other reasons like Executive Functioning Disorder, Working Memory issues, Processing speed struggles, Rejection Sensitivity. Often it's a case of limited resilience and an 'if I don't try I can't fail attitude'

If he does fail everything its not the end of the world, he might need a dose of reality to give him the motivation to go back and achieve whether that is at GCSE level or functional skills.

I'm a secondary school teacher.

Barclays Money Skills used to have a great resource where you could work back from the lifestyle you wanted and work out what you'd need to earn to pay for it.

I think I still have a paper copy somewhere although it's presumably morphed into a video by now.

I think it would be a really good idea to get your son more counselling. Having such a rocky relationship with his dad while also seeing his dad as the solution to unemployment definitely needs unpicking!

On the academic front, I think you've done/are doing all you can. It is bonkers that the school won't let him attend intervention in place of detention though. Have you made a polite but determined fuss about that? If it's the same length of time and he's willing to comply with detention, perhaps he'd go for it.

I actually think as a SEN parent he may have some kind of learning need, and that would be worth exploring (do you think his dad could possibly have a learning need?)

A big gap between intelligence and output is not at all uncommon with various SEN.

But that isn't going to help much with imminent GCSEs.