Teenage son 'given up' on GCSE'S

[Amblu81]

My son is due to sit his GCSEs this summer and has told me over the weekend he just isn't going to bother. He is not academic, as hadnore detentions than I have had hot dinners and literally does the bare minimum to not get expeled. His saving grace is that he is polite, kind, always thinks of others and looks out for his mates....always accepts the punishment with good humour. One teacher said he is a joy to teach. She just wishes he actually did the work.
He doesn't want to go to college, reckons he can work for his Dad (we are separated) his Dad has several dubious construction businesses and already takes on 2 people who quite often get laid off as not enough work, much of it is cash in hand as his books only report £25,000 earnings. Also DS and him have a very on off relationship dueto his father's unpredictable temper, at the moment he barely goes round to his Dad's for dinner once a week.
He has sat 2 gcses already as that is how his school works. He missed out on 4s by 4 marks on one subject (we did 10 days ofcramming revision!), and for the other subject, media nvq, he got a distinction for his final assessment, but where he hadn't done well in the other assessments, he just missed the 4 again.
His mocks last month really disappointed him, 4 ungraded, 2 2s and a 1. He now just cannotbe bothered. Why try if he is going to fail anyway. It's like he thinks everyone will laugh at him if he tries and fails. He did the same with Cubs and then Army Cadets....got so far and then it came to an assessment, knew he was weak in one area and despite knowing its commonplace to need several attempts for the first 'star' he just quit and never went back. His LCpl was as stunned as I was as he was enjoying it and doing very well in most areas.
And as for not wanting to go to college, we viewed several colleges and one in particular really inspired him. There were options whatever grade he got, and he asked questions, engaged with staff on the night and genuinely wanted to go. That and an Apprenticeship....but now, nope, nothing.

I struggled to get him to even go to school this morning and where he refuses to do homework,he has 4 afterschool detethis wek, which doesn't help. He just doesn't see the point.

I work full time, I worked my way up through an engineering team to become head of department. Up until last week my evenings have been sat helping him with homework, revision and picking him up from detentions. Now he is refusing to even let me help. At his parents evening, his teachers even said he is bright, he can get 4s or 5s, he just needs to do the work. His science, again, so close! When we did a practise paper last week for his homework, there were only 2 questions he was stuck on. And we don't sit there for hours doing this, we grab a hot chocolate on the sofa and fo 2 x 10 min slots of a weekday evening. That's all he was prepared to do.

How do I get him to see he is throwing it all away, without adding pressure over these exams?
What else can I do? I am gutted for him! I have notified the school too.

Background, he is a July born so will still be 15 when he sits exams. He hangs round with a bunch of kids who are not intending on college and just want to do nothing, or work with their parents. I have DS 28 nights out of 30. It primarily rests with me as his Dad has a bull in a china shop approach. DS is the most laid back kid, nothing stresses him (other than his Dad), even constant detentions it seems.
Please help

He has to get maths and English, the reality is without those he will struggle, maybe not now but later in life.

It sounds very tough.

Could you take him to a college open day to see a construction course and see if there are any apprentiships not with his dad. Our college had some courses that linked with employers

They colkege were very good at explaining the importance of aiming the 4 in maths and english even if nothing else so you aren't doing it again Bit also said how they coukd support you if you didn't.

If he is giving up, try focus him on just those two gateway qualifications of English and maths and forget the rest.

They aren't worthless. There are a whole heap of vocational Level 2 Courses that ask for GCSCEs at grade 1,2 or 3 in four or five subjects.

Without them you often have to start at Level 1 which is an extra year.

Help him plan a different route that means he’ll have a job and income over the short term. It sounds like it’s just not the right time for him to be focusing on school work. Maybe take the pressure off and help him explore his interests so he can have another go studying as an adult

This is very common.

(Ex teacher)

Focus on the maths and English. Ignore everything else. Those are the ones he will have to resit if he doesn't get them.

It's a psychological defence - he knows he isn't doing well and it's easier to say well I'm very bright but I didn't try than I tried and I still did badly.

If you can persuade him to, get a tutor. Failing that bribery works wonders.

@CalmDuck he was literally a handful of marks off a 4, we crammed last minute,and then minimal revision. In my mind, I would of thought 'well if I got that close to the grade I wanted with bare minimum revision, if I revised a bit more, I would get the grade I wanted'. Hiz brain, is wired differently in that respect!!
He used to play rugby too, but it got a big team and places for matches got more competitive, so again he dropped out! I offered him the chance to go to another team,but it was a no.
I wish he could see that fail is never a fail, it's not something to avoid, it's inevitable in life at dome point. He has never failed at anything, because he bottles out if he thinks ge will instead of trying a bit! I just wish I could shift his mindset. It's that little quote I keep seeing everywhere, 'what if I fail? But what if you fly?'

Why is he getting so many detentions?

It sounds like he's struggling a lot more than people are realising but brushing things off so as to not appear weak. The not bothering is likely to be self preservation rather than actually what he wants to do.

Which detention does the school think will be the miraculous changing point for him? Detention 100? Detention 200? Or perhaps no detention will help and what he actually needs is for his school to prioritise his welfare above their rule book.

the problem seems to be that he doesn’t have much to “throw away” anyway as if he’s getting 3s OP…. well they’re worthless at that grade.

Statements like this also highlight the problem for non academic children. It's not true and what is telling a child they are worthless actually going to achieve? There is life without and beyond GCSEs. Probably a life that, that poster can't even comprehend as it is (shock horror) non academic!

Reassure your son. Encourage him to keep trying. He doesn't have much longer to go at school.

Speak to the school. Explain he's at the point of giving up. Ask them to support and not continually punish.

Try and get him to some other college open days. Doing a level 1 or 2 in construction sounds like something he might enjoy.

Good luck.

I can see where he is coming from. Education has been a complete pain and waste of precious life for him so far even when he tries .... why would he want to go back for more? He's not daft.

You need to concentrate your efforts on finding options for him that do not involve college .... put that off the agenda. He needs a learn on the job scenario. He will appreciate having you onside with this. And you may be able to find something more suitable than working for his dad, if you really believe this is a bad option.

He is kind, thoughtful and considerate and sounds a lovely person.

If it is any comfort I have a relative in late 20s who left school with no paper qualifications, but he shares your son's qualities and a good dollop of nous. He went into a caring role and is now managing a care facility in the north of England and is much respected.

Time to concentrate on his qualities and what he can do and to make sure he knows how you value these.

Don't try and "shift his mindset". I honestly think that people who are non competitive like your son have something to teach the rest of us.

It’s a struggle to motivate this generation of teens after Covid etc. I feel for you! Maths and English are so important that if nothing else he should be encouraged to make an effort with them. Can you promise him some kind of incentive for each subject he passes? What’s he into? Perhaps a treat at the end of his exams? My 16yo currently sitting mock GCSEs and says ‘nobody’s trying’. It’s quite depressing.

@Frowningprovidence we have been to 3 Open days, 1 new college with technical and vocational courses alongside traditional levels, we were both impressed (him partly because there is a McDs in walking distance!) The engineering department could offer him a BTEC he could do alongside retaking English and Maths, then further because with work placement. He was really keen and interested in everything from the welding to the CAD design. We also went to another college, more traditional and he was really inspired by the apprenticeships talk. We spoke to the apprenticeships leader and are going to get him on the talent bank, but the leader said to chose a course as a back up. There is high demand for apprentiships in his field, so he needs to be prepared incase he is not successful. I don't think his Dad company is legit enough to offer this as it sounds in depth. He would have to be 'on the books' not self employed, his Dad never 'employs'.
The third college was just a no go, didn't like the venue or the staff and just didn't feel right.

OP your son will have to be in some form of education until he is 18. He needs to understand giving up on GCSE just prolongs the agony as he will be forced to study maths and English as part of any college course or apprenticeship.

My youngest DD has SEN. Transferred late to a SEN school. Has never sat a GCSE. It was all functional skills on repeat. And boring as hell. She went on to an extending learning course at college and that lead to a supported internship plus a day in college for functional skills maths and English. Luckily that work experience was enough for her. Independently she went for a job interview and has been working as a shop assistant for nearly 2 years.

In the time she has been in paid work she has really blossomed. It was such a relief not to have to work on maths she has zero aptitude just because the (last) government decreed every kid should sit maths and english until they hit the minimum standard. Well for some kids, they just don’t have the ability.

My message to your son is knuckle down now and get the maths and english out the way. Going over the same ground over and over is soul destroying.

I feel for you OP and went through similar with my eldest a few years back. As others have said, focus on maths and english - I would even go so far as to talk to him and agree not to worry about the other subjects but impress upon him that maths & english are non-negotiable and if he doesn't pass, he'll only have to resit so all eyes on those two subjects. I managed to get a neighbours son who was home from uni to help my DS over the christmas & Easter holidays and that was brilliant - significantly cheaper than a normal tutor and he really related to a younger cooler person helping and I'm certain this is what got him through.

I'd also suggest taking the pressure off - reassure him that GCSE results aren't the making of someone and there are many things you can do without a full quote so it's just a case of finding something that would suit him better than academia. But maths & English essential and if you can get him to understand & accept this you're half way there.

And ignore people telling you 2's & 3's are worthless - well maybe if you want to go university but not if you want to train or work in one of the many worthwhile/important careers that don't require A levels 🙄

And that BTec sounds amazing - I'd definitely be encouraging this and steering away from his Dad's company. Maybe suggest he works PT with his dad for some extra cash but training/apprenticeship elsewhere & he can always make a decision to swop at the end but will at least have a qualification to fall back on.

The talent bank sounds great as does a back up course. He has some great options there. It sound like focusing on getting an apprentiship not with his dad might be the most motivating for him.

Gcses are brutal. They mix level 1 and 2 together and those getting level 1 (grades 1, 2 and 3) are made to feel like failures. But they do open up some vocational courses - even if it's like a foundation year before the btech)

@Lindy2 the detentions are mainly for stupid things and I have spoke to the school time and time again. Eg for the wrong colour socks, mainly for not doing homework, but he never has kept up to date with it, all of a sudden it's really being pushed. The school is all about figures unfortunately and if I had known what I do now, I would of looked elsewhere. The schools excuse is that they cannot treat him any differently. Some of the detentions were more than reasonable, eg throwing glue at brand new electronic white board.

I really don't care if he is academic or not, it's more the fact that he does this in so many circumstances in life. I would hate for him to continue that pattern in life, why apply for a job that I might not get??

He is and always will be the kindest lad, and it just really wouldn't take much for him to get those 4s.

@boyohboys I have done exactly that but included science instead of English as its a requirement for the BTEC he wants to do. Science, he is do good at. I can honestly see him getting a 5 or a 6 if he put the effort in, but I would be so happy if he got a 4!! That is so achievable for him too. He just cannot see it.

Do you ever model failing and trying again? I know that sounds daft, bit even talking about how something went wrong at work and you did x, y z and got better, how it made you feel.

He probably doesn't want to play games with his mum otherwise id suggest that. He might do something like make a gingerbread house still. You can make a lot if mistakes with those .

But is there something where he has failed and got better like online gaming? I see he ducked out if clubs at crunch points, but maybe he has persevered with getting to the next level on a game?

@Mischance yes unfortunately, working with his Dad would not be in his interests. His Dad recently decided to start badmouthing me in front of DS, DS just walked out and came back to me. Dad was abusive, we left 3 years ago, unfortunately DS saw and remembers. His Dad is desperate to rebuild relationship. DS recently dropped his every other weekend stay overs to one night as it was stressing him out, even the school picked up on DS behaviour being worse fortnightly, tying in with when he is due yo see his Dad. Dad kicked off when DS plucked up courage to talk to him, we even did some practise runs focussing on that Ds was prepared to do and requesting when they have time together, they do something DS is actually interested in. It's usually all about Dss younger brother! I even drive him there and pick him up yo make it easier for him to see his Dad on his terms. Unfortunately Dad sees me as wicked witch of the west turning his Son against him! DS I am sure really doesn't want to work for his Dad, getting him to spend 12 hours with him a fortnight has been hard. But Dad is offering him everything under the sun right now and it represents an easy way out, or so he thinks.

I agree with all this.

I would have a look at sixth form colleges. They offer so much more than a levels and help students resit maths and English GCSEs. My friend’s daughter was diagnosed with learning difficulties (not dyslexia but something similar that impacted exam results). She was given a reader and extra time and additional support. It changed her life. She no longer felt worthless and for what she needed to do an apprenticeship for the career she wanted.

Mines the same age and her teachers are doing extra sessions at the moment to help the kids get the best results they can. Anything like this at his school? They weren’t advertised at my DDs but she’s doing a week of extra art atm and has done extra science so far too so it may be worth ringing and seeing what support their is.

There’s no way I’d be letting them give up. My DD is late august born but works damn hard because she wants to get into sixth form and then university. Your son won’t be able to do alot with low grades so make sure he knows that.

@RubyRedBow they do indeed offer after school interventions but 1. He has after school detentions practically every day. And 2, when I booked him in for one, he just point blank refused to go, got on the bus and came home! By the time I got home from work it was over anyway.
I refuse to give up on him, but his mind is set!