Dealing with child’s heartbreak over never being invited

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Please tell me how to deal with 6 year old’s heartbreak over not being invited to play dates / parties?

I’ve tried so hard myself to invite other kids to stuff (held little parties for a few kids at Easter etc), hosted play dates. But DC is never invited to stuff and now at age 6 is very aware of this.

Last night we had tears because a couple of friends had been invited to play with another friend after school (we never have been invited to an after school play date). And this morning we have already bumped into a friend at swimming who has informed DC “I’m having a birthday party today and you’re not coming”.

My heart is just breaking for DC. I am sat here watching swimming & fighting back tears. As I say, I have tried my hardest to invite other kids but invitations are not returned.

Both DC and myself are possibly ND so I realise this could be relevant - we are both the chatty, bubbly (but possibly sometimes talk too much) types.

But from when we’ve had other kids to our house and from the whole-class parties we have been invited to DC always seems to play well with other kids. I’ve asked school & they have said DC is a popular member of the class.

Any suggestions greatly appreciated x

Play dates are increasingly difficult to accommodate. Some kids go to wraparound, and some don't. Parents have after-school hobby clubs throughout the week, work long hours, have relatives collect their child from school, etc. It's hard to organise, the rare days they have time to just go straight home and relax, they probably don't want to use to host other peoples children
You might not have gotten a playdate invite for any of the above reasons.

Some kids go to wraparound, and some don't.

This is true. I would actually say teatime club has been the source of my son's best friendships - it is effectively a 2.5 hour playdate 4 days a week.

Remember some parents just can't do playdates, so it doesn't mean they don't want to. Or they can just about manage playdates with their child's one or two best friends but then don't have time to ask anyone else round. It also gets more complicated with more than one child - trying to fit anything in our calendar is like advanced Tetris... So if I didn't invite your child back it doesn't necessarily mean my child doesn't like yours or I don't like you, it could just be that people are busy. I understand it's tricky for you.

Yeah I wouldn't worry. I have a 6yr old and not done any play dates. Trouble is clubs for older kids and work really and they're too young to go alone at that age. They'll be more opportunities when older and can go on own

Have you had all class parties? Do you have a class WhatsApp?

At 6 a lot will still be in the habit of asking nursery friends, if they are at school together too and parents mix socially.

There's also aspects we forget as adults, in my DCs class, kids who were often invited were actually asking/demanding an invite or saying they'd buy birthday child a switch if they were invited, that sort of thing. The most manipulative kept a close eye on the birthday calendar on the wall, something a lot of kids would never do.

It can be a mistake to always view this through an adult lens. Just keep on inviting and occasionally offer to liftshare to an activity etc. this will mean the parent thinks of you when they picture the class.

I’m sorry oP. Nothing hurts like watching your children hurt.

I think, given the play dates go ok, the best thing you can do is just keep asking children to yours. That way she gets social interaction and it will distract her as she won’t be quite as conscious as you are as to whether she was inviting or invited. Children usually just think play date: yippee.

It’s early days yet and children change a lot. At about 8 they often make a bestie.

She’s very young for this op. Best friends happen later and at this age it’s more about who the mums want to be friends with.

It's hard we've been there but it does get better eventually. Dd had few friends at primary it was small and knowbody she clicked with, secondary she had a few close friends, 6th form she's found her quirky tribe and socialises alot. Through this she has had 2 very consistent friends met through a hobby. They are still very close even though she has never been educated with them. Keep exploring the hobby groups you will get there. I also used to say a few good friends are better than lots or poorer ones, it's quality over quantity you need.

To be honest op if they are the type of child to cruelly say “ you’re not invited to my party” she’s probably better not being friends with them anyway.

@TheYearOfSmallThings @vickylou78
Yes we had whole class parties Reception & Year 1 but now in year 2 the smaller parties have started

Yes we have a class WhatsApp group and I do contribute

At 6 'you're not coming to my party' could just be a factual statement that I know you haven't been invited, many of them at that age wouldn't have the politeness filter to work out not to talk about it in front of someone who isn't invited. It depends how it was said, so I wouldn't necessarily assume the child was being cruel. It would be different if they were 10 or 12.
But also yes to the thing about some kids talking about invites a lot. One of mine spent all of year 1 inviting and uninviting people to a fictional party that I hadn't even planned/booked/talked about... (Summer birthday).

My DS has this issue too. You just have to keep on hosting when you can. At 6 friendships are controlled by parents but as they get older the kids will get more independent and will decide.

There could be many reasons why you dont get invites. Parent may work fulltime or live sonewhere very small, or be going through divorce/ illness etc. Or they could just be very cliquey and only want DC to socialise with their own friends kids.

Totally agree with this about parents controlling things. I really worried about my DC- they were never invited at primary to play dates or parties. I continued to just invite the kids they liked. Got to secondary school where parents no longer choosing and DC were absolutely fine.

@FumingTRex @SM33 approx what age do kids take control of own social life??

By about 8 they tend to click on that Mummy isn’t necessarily right about whom they like best! When they are 6, they are quite driven by familiarity so if mum is having Wally over lots and calling Wally their friend, they kind of go along with it. That will start changing over the next year or so, and they will start to insist on their own choices. Then in their teens they will go further and seek out the ones you don’t like.