Dealing with child’s heartbreak over never being invited

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Please tell me how to deal with 6 year old’s heartbreak over not being invited to play dates / parties?

I’ve tried so hard myself to invite other kids to stuff (held little parties for a few kids at Easter etc), hosted play dates. But DC is never invited to stuff and now at age 6 is very aware of this.

Last night we had tears because a couple of friends had been invited to play with another friend after school (we never have been invited to an after school play date). And this morning we have already bumped into a friend at swimming who has informed DC “I’m having a birthday party today and you’re not coming”.

My heart is just breaking for DC. I am sat here watching swimming & fighting back tears. As I say, I have tried my hardest to invite other kids but invitations are not returned.

Both DC and myself are possibly ND so I realise this could be relevant - we are both the chatty, bubbly (but possibly sometimes talk too much) types.

But from when we’ve had other kids to our house and from the whole-class parties we have been invited to DC always seems to play well with other kids. I’ve asked school & they have said DC is a popular member of the class.

Any suggestions greatly appreciated x

It’s so hard being a parent and not being able to protect your kids from hurt.

keep going with the play dates (also try and make them fun - sweets, games, making pizza, crafts?) and hopefully, eventually they’ll be reciprocated

You can’t change others behaviour so I would instead find interests and friends out of school. Saturday drama club, dance after school, that sort of thing. Let them find their people. In the moment of disappointment say ‘oh they can’t invite everyone else there’d be 30 people for tea let’s read that books we like…’

Good advice from @Newgirls

This definitely. Find new hobbies that will lead to new friendships.

@Newgirls yes we do 3x clubs outside of school which she loves & some camps in the holidays. I also try to arrange as much as possible with cousins so I try to ensure she has the company of others. But she’s starting to become aware her company is not wanted / sought out and it breaks my heart.

That sounds very hard. My experience was that my kids friendships have been actively facilitated by parents, and that my kids get invited to things where I have made an effort with the parents, and have established a sociable friendship, and haven’t developed friendships with kids with parents I haven’t /haven’t been able to establish rapport.
I was really mindful of this because of how it played out in my childhood so have been intentionally present and open.

It must feel very hard and disappointing, especially as you have made an effort to invite kids to things .

So what do you think the issue is?

Also, how are your own friendships? What attitudes to friendships are you modelling for her?

I’d keep up the inviting, and be less hung up on reciprocation.

Sadly we all need to know at some point that not everyone wants to be our best friend/date us etc. We have to find our people. There will be kids she doesn’t want to play with or invite home. It’s normal.

Try to show her that it isn’t the be all and end all. Learning resilience now will help her as she gets older.

It’s also worth bearing in mind that being the most popular kid in the class brings its challenges. Mine are older now but I remember one friend had a popular kid who was constantly ‘battled’ over.

being normal has a lot to be said for it!

@WarmFrogPond I wish I knew as maybe then I could fix it.

I have friends, including some very good ones, and I regularly socialise. I’m also in a couple of hobby groups. I’m open & inclusive.

I’m friendly to all the school parents, go on the mums’ nights out when I can. I’m not always at the school gate because I do work part time (but so do 90% of the other mums). I always volunteer to help at school events (helping at Xmas fair tomorrow actually).

Yes I do keep inviting. I’ve kind of accepted my being the instigator/ organiser / host is the only way DC gets any social life.

Honestly I would have called that child unkind who said that today. It's so rude and I would have been mortified if I was their mother.

Is it the same kids you are inviting that are not inviting back? I tend not to do a lot of playdates and definitely not after school as I work and the weekends are split with my ex.

I know it's hard at the moment, but things really will change.

DC was like this at junior/secondary school. It took a while but 6th form was much better and at uni they've most definitely found their tribe now.

If anything those years in the social wilderness, although heart wrenching have built such resilience to most people's bullshit and bad behaviour that DC can now spot trouble at 100 paces and chooses friends very carefully- and successfully.

Here's hoping OPs DC finds their tribe soon x

Sadly we all need to know at some point that not everyone wants to be our best friend/date us etc. We have to find our people. There will be kids she doesn’t want to play with or invite home. It’s normal

Yes I get that @Newgirls and I have definitely had a few false starts myself before finding my tribe! But it just doesn’t seem like anyone wants to be DC’s “person” . It’s easy to not care about what Group A are doing if Group B want you to play. But what when no one wants you?!

It’s rude not to reciprocate and that’s on them. I have trouble organising play dates after school and will always ensure I have kids round in the holidays.

If you want sneaky you could ask for help with picking up your child after school one day. Make it later so they take them home? (Sorry if this offends or shocks)

Or just wait till dd is older and play dates lose all their charm.

If anything those years in the social wilderness, although heart wrenching have built such resilience to most people's bullshit and bad behaviour that DC can now spot trouble at 100 paces and chooses friends very carefully- and successfully

Thank you @flotsomandjetsome . I wish your DC well.

You’re doing all the right things OP - it will work out for her x

Thank you @Newgirls , I hope so.

We are probably ND too and building friendships at school/the school gate appears to be beyond us as well. People are always nice when I chat to them and kids do play happily with my DC at school but it rarely leads to playdates or party invitations. We have just started having occasional playdates with another classmate who I think is also ASD but my DD is in y3 and it's taken this long. 2 party invitations in the last 18 months and this is a class of 30.

My DD's easiest friendships are with the kids of my own friends as they've known each other since birth. But I seem incapable of forming new friendships so I'm not really the ticket to new friendships for my DD at school.

I think school friendships are often fixed quite early on, at nursery, preschool or in reception. It's really hard to break in after this.

Are their parents friends? At six, a lot can still revolve around this.

If it makes you feel better, I felt like you. My son is a march birthday so both his 7th and 8th birthdays fell in full COVID lockdowns.

It then felt that all the parties that happened over those few years were basically reciprocal invites and he wasn't included in any, even those with kids he was friendly with.

But as they've got older it's changed. He is now in last year of primary with a close little bunch of friends and they are all either in my front room or at the door to take him to theirs.

I think see who he is most friendly with and keep inviting them for low key play dates.

Don't go over the top. If you start doing too much it oddly might reduce the chances of reciprocating and looks a bit try hard.

It's also got it's downsides and I was quite anti console but my son got a second hand Nintendo switch and they starting playing Minecraft together. The settings were locked right down but they could build things together and it has really helped forge friendships. We are onto Fortnite now which I like less but again, it is central to his friendships and having seen him previously left out, I'll live with it.

My son is painfully shy but I can currently hear him chatting to his pals on a headset. Of course there can be massive downsides to this if they aren't nice to each other but he has a limited group of five and they are all decent lads.

At this age all the girls tend to want to play with the same few people (or even one person) and it can be a bit overwhelming for them. Seek out the slightly less charismatic children, whose mum’s might be feeling a bit like you. Your daughter might be less keen on them at first but friendships are more likely to develop.

Age 6 is not the time to lose heart. You’ve got a long way to go. Keep doing what you’re doing, inviting over regularly, play dates, sleepovers when they’re older. Keep up the extra curricular stuff and try to make connections there. Join the PTA if you have time. It is hard. We’ve had these sorts of problems on and off throughout primary, lately I think because I’ve struggled to connect with the other mums due to existing long standing friendships. I do sympathise. Be brave and keep going

That’s hard @INeedNewShoes

Sadly my three best local friends are childfree, so I can’t facilitate friends for DC via my own friends

@UnderTheStairs51 yes I have noticed some of the other parents socialise, whereas although DH and I are friendly with everyone, we haven’t made specific friends

@Diomi yes actually the last couple of play dates i instigated I did actually seek out some of the quieter kids, the ones who’s parents aren’t the movers & shakers if you know what I mean. Still, no invites back!

And this morning we have already bumped into a friend at swimming who has informed DC “I’m having a birthday party today and you’re not coming”.

Be glad she isn’t invited to play with nasty unkind children like that.

your poor daughter. But she is 6, not 16. She has many years ahead ti find her tribe. Do something lovely together

At age 6 lots of children aren't doing many playdates, but I'm surprised there haven't been whole class parties?