Struggling with Toddler’s Behavior Towards Me

[Londonaries]

I’m really struggling with my 26-month-old’s behavior lately, and I could use some advice or perspective.

I am very hands-on parent. I breastfed on demand for two years (stopped recently/ right time for both of us), and we’ve been co-sleeping since birth. My husband has been sleeping in another room during this time so I could focus fully on our son’s needs. I do almost everything for my son - I’m his primary caregiver, and he’s only just started attending nursery three mornings a week. The rest of the time, he’s with me. I make a point of taking him places, he gets to choose (almost) everything, i play with him, sing with him, give him plenty of freedom, and support his independence.

Lately, though, he’s been treating me really poorly. I know he’s only two and big emotions are normal, but when I say “no” or try to set a boundary (always gently, with explanations), he lashes out—grabbing at my face, scratching, and screaming for his dad. It’s even happening at night, despite the fact that we’ve been co-sleeping for two years. During these midnight tantrums, he gets aggressive with me and shouts for his dad.

The tricky part is that my husband works from home. If he hears our son crying, he often comes in to try to help. While I appreciate the support, as soon as my husband leaves, our son will cry for him and reject any comfort from me. I try to explain that Daddy is working and can’t stay, but my son keeps crying and pushing me away, sometimes becoming aggressive again.

I’m doing my best not to take this personally, but after two years of giving so much of myself, it’s really hard not to feel hurt and rejected.

Some people would say he’s just showing a parental preference but I struggle with this as he is preferring a parent that’s only been there 10% of the time.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of behavior? How do you manage it, especially when it feels so personal?

OP your toddler ls lashing out at you because he is empowered to do so - some firmer boundaries as recommended by almost every other poster and perhaps a bit more one on one time with dad would be good for child and give you some time for yourself.

He is basically taking you completely for granted as you are always there 24/7 (from what you say) - so you will be the focus for any feelings of frustration he may experience. Give yourself a break - he can't miss you if you are always on the spot!

Had this so did my sister. It’s a horrible stage and seems to affect oldest children of devoted sahms. Not much advice but sympathy and it does pass. Both our oldests are now delightful teens who no longer slap our faces!

OP, it's a shame you've failed to take the consistent advice of others (which you asked for) on board with a bit of dignity, but have just responded with defensiveness. I feel every person on this thread has given broadly the same sentiment and been perfectly respectful in the process, but it's obviously up to you if you want to actually listen.

And feeling hurt by a toddler acting completely normally is definitely making him responsible for your emotions, whether you do it explicitly or not. Your original post is overwhelmingly about how he has made you feel. You need to decouple your emotions from him

A 2 year old doesn't 'treat anyone poorly'. He's a fully selfish being, this is developmentally appropriate. When he's having a meltdown he is literally incapable of considering your feelings, he's completely immersed in his own.
I think this is your sign to help him start to understand that he is not the centre of the world. This'll take years obviously. But at the moment it seems like your whole life revolves around him, and like others have said this comes across clearly here.
Do some things for yourself. You make some choices. Say, I'd like to do this now so this what we're doing. Stop co sleeping if it's disturbing your sleep. If he hits, a very stern no is needed, physically restrain him, say I won't allow you to hit me, and then move away for a bit.
Kindly. You're doting on him too much, and because he has this outsize presence in your life, you're simultaneously expecting too much of him. He's only just 2!

You need to establish boundaries

He's clearly in charge, and knows it

So if all you do is No, and then are completely normal - what is he learning?

'Let him sit in guilt or shame' - they are normal, human emotions that he will discover at some point in his life - surely allowing him to understand guilt and shame from a young age will allow these feeling to become normal to him, and not overpower/ overtake him when he gets older and has never had to deal with them?

Also, toddlers go through phases. Dad is a novelty because he's not around as much as you are - he's pushing boundaries and getting away with it all.

Gentle parenting can be fantastic if used correctly - it can also raise emotionally unequipped children with boundary issues.

Best of luck

Yeah clearly this approach is not working, you need to show him his behaviour is not acceptable. It’s ok to be ashamed to scratch your parent and you can walk away from him for 3-5 mins and say you don’t want to play when he hurts you.

It's completely developmentally normal for toddlers to show preference for different care givers regardless of who is the primary care giver. Your child isn't a possession and I find it strange you're placing so much emphasis on your own hurt feelings when your toddler is displaying absolutely normal behaviour.

It could also be a sign that your overwhelming obsessive attachment parenting isn't working. Why has your child not been allowed to build a relationship with his father who in your own words only parents him 10% of the time. Does he spend any time with his dad on his own? Is the only he spends with anyone apart from you is when he is at nursery? You can still display responsive and attachment parenting without suffocating your child and preventing them from being with anyone else.

Toddlers at this age can't developmentally cope with too much freedom and choice. They need firm boundaries to ensure they feel safe and secure. It sounds like he's communicating he feels unsafe with all this freedom and autonomy.

@Londonaries You aren’t married to your son- for goodness sakes It sounds really unhealthy.

Get your husband back in the bedroom and the child in his own room.

Your son won’t respect you if you give in to every little thing.

Absolutely this. They need a strong leader to make them feel safe.