Struggling with Toddler’s Behavior Towards Me

[Londonaries]

I’m really struggling with my 26-month-old’s behavior lately, and I could use some advice or perspective.

I am very hands-on parent. I breastfed on demand for two years (stopped recently/ right time for both of us), and we’ve been co-sleeping since birth. My husband has been sleeping in another room during this time so I could focus fully on our son’s needs. I do almost everything for my son - I’m his primary caregiver, and he’s only just started attending nursery three mornings a week. The rest of the time, he’s with me. I make a point of taking him places, he gets to choose (almost) everything, i play with him, sing with him, give him plenty of freedom, and support his independence.

Lately, though, he’s been treating me really poorly. I know he’s only two and big emotions are normal, but when I say “no” or try to set a boundary (always gently, with explanations), he lashes out—grabbing at my face, scratching, and screaming for his dad. It’s even happening at night, despite the fact that we’ve been co-sleeping for two years. During these midnight tantrums, he gets aggressive with me and shouts for his dad.

The tricky part is that my husband works from home. If he hears our son crying, he often comes in to try to help. While I appreciate the support, as soon as my husband leaves, our son will cry for him and reject any comfort from me. I try to explain that Daddy is working and can’t stay, but my son keeps crying and pushing me away, sometimes becoming aggressive again.

I’m doing my best not to take this personally, but after two years of giving so much of myself, it’s really hard not to feel hurt and rejected.

Some people would say he’s just showing a parental preference but I struggle with this as he is preferring a parent that’s only been there 10% of the time.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of behavior? How do you manage it, especially when it feels so personal?

Your husband has to leave you alone on the days he's working. Can ge go into an office somewhere - rent a space?

Why on earth would he have to do that? Op this is not healthy sure we love our kids but if you this obsessive of course it will cause issues, you need to step back

I think this is very normal but I think you need to reframe it a little. It's not really "how he is treating me" like he's an adult choosing to disrespect you, he's a toddler doing random stuff because he's bored, can't communicate etc. I think you are attributing too much agency over his thought processes.

I would perhaps suggest to dh that he sees him in more of a routine, e.g. lunch time.

But I'd also think about a few days at nursery and that will also help you transition back to work.

I think he is ready for his own bed and a few hours at nursery. Sounds too intense to be together 24/7 at this age.

He's still tiny and can't control his emotions, he's not doing it on purpose. Get DH more involved, stop co-sleeping and let DH get up with during the night. No way should dad only be doing 10% of the care- that's wrong on every level, you really need to step back.

Good idea. Does dad have 1:1 time? If not start now!

Agreed.

It's time to stop co sleeping- your husband needs you back. Also, being gentle at this age (explaining everything) DOES NOT WORK. Firm boundaries and limited choice - do you want this or this. Don't give them lots of choice - it isn't the kind thing to do, ot overwhelms them. Kids need boundaries- maybe your husband is firmer and he prefers that to your softly-softly approach?

Poor kid sounds overwhelmed having to choose everything and be attached to you. Give him a break. Take the choice away and have boundaries.

Children feel out of control when they’re in charge. My partner gives the kids a million choices about what they eat and where they go. When it’s my time with them there is no choice on food or what they’re doing and they are far happier. No sobbing or bickering with me!!
Putting your son first so much is actually unhealthy, how’s your marriage? Do you have fun? Go on dates?

Agree. OP what are the consequences for scratching and hitting?
Also OP parental preference is normal, lots of kids at some point have a preference and it’s often not the main caregiver. Maybe he wants more time with dad.

Your relationship sounds too intense and his behaviour shows you he wants a break/change/more time with dad. Don’t take it personal, he is not a baby anymore, he is growing and developing.

I say this kindly OP, but please stop martyring yourself like this. I am a "hands on" parent to my 2 pre-schoolers, I am responsive and engaged, but I find the language in your post really intense. Your baby (toddlers developmentally really are still just babies) is not responsible for how you feel, and will not take you or your feelings into consideration in his behaviour or choices, so dial down your expectations of him. He isn't there simply to reward you in your (frankly intense) parenting, so stop expecting gratitude or appreciation in the way you clearly are. Parenting simple doesn't work like that.

He also an independent person with his own thoughts, feelings, needs and moods, and you need to give him space and let him chose his dad sometimes. This is not a relationship of equals - little kids are narcissists, they're supposed to be. Yes it's tough sometimes, when you're exhausted after spending all day serving their needs and they turn around and want a hug from the other parent who hasn't, but that's toddlers for you. You need to support him and be there for him regardless of how he behaves or who he chooses to have a hug with. Stick to short sentences, firm boundaries and most importantly show him you will always be there for him regardless

I think you need to back off a little, it sounds very intense. Let him go to DH, go to nursery, have a little freedom, he don't love you any less.

You are over the top with him and letting him be in charge. You sound intense and a bit obsessive, which is making your child react. The previous posts are right. Boundaries and less options- he is a young child - its all too much for him.

A good nurturing environment provides clear expectations and boundaries.

To gentle parent - which sounds like you're trying to do - means not screaming in your child's face, hitting, banishing to a naughty step, removing a toy as a consequence to not sleeping etc.
It does not, however, mean handing all choices over with no leadership from the parent.

Children enjoy situations where small choices are given but there is definite adult leadership. It makes them feel safe. Children need to feel safe.

The situation you have created has, in my experience - I work with children and have my own - creates a child who will push and push in a desperate attempt to find the boundary. They want you to prove to them that you can take charge and that they are safe. Once you start doing this, behaviour improves, mood improves, attachments improve.

Very best of luck.

Boundaries, less options and more time with dad. You are not his slave, you're the leader. Janet Lansbury and Laura Markham are v good for gentle examples of dealing with this. And don't do 'Mummy is sad', as a pp said, he's not responsible for your feelings.
Maybe let us know what you do in the moment.

I'd agree with many of PP. Its a normal stage - they prefer one parent, they can hit or bite, they have tantrums, they can be little dickheads.
He's getting bigger and maybe you need to pull back a bit - let DH have more time with him, put him in his own room at night, do your own thing more, stop letting him dictate your time so much. I'd guess you've thrown yourself into parenting so much that you've lost yourself a bit and that's why this "rejection" hurts.

You’ve completely missed the point.
The one part you commented on you’ve got wrong, he chooses because he wants to, he is massively empowered and loves choosing things, that was not what my post was about….

I actually have no idea what you’re referring to is unhealthy, cosleeping/husband working from home/me doing most of the parenting in case you actually missed what the post was about it is the toddler rejecting comfort from primary caregiver that is my concern, nothing else.

In zero way do I think my toddler is responsible for my feelings. I have explained a situation. That is all.

‘Let him’
I'm not stopping him.
I am a pretty laid back primary caregiver

This is very interesting, I do feel like I give strong boundaries when needed, but also give a lot of freedom. I have probably allowed SO much autonomy that toddler thinks he can have things his way. Some gentle corrective action is likely needed, but navigating this while he is screaming for daddy is the tricky part.

Consequence: A stern ‘no.’ ‘No biting/scratching/kicking’ put him down if he was on me at the time. If both parents are around at the time we will both give a stern ‘no’ ‘we be gentle with others’ but we don’t let him sit in guilt or shame and will be normal with him straight after.

My DS is 24 months and we are similar to you in the sense we co- sleep (however dads in bed to), and ours has his own room and starts off in his bed, and we are still breastfeeding. I’m also a sahm so he’s with me a lot. However no way does my DH only parent. 10% of the time. He does some nighttime put downs. He also has one on one time when I go out etc etc.
Also my son does not dictate our lives, he’s got choices but they’re limited. Such as which coat do you want to wear? Not, what should we do today? That’s just too much responsibility for a little person.

Mine throws some epic tantrums and he has been physically aggressive. I hold his hands so he can’t hit me, get down to his level and say ‘No that hurts mummy’ if he carries on I pop him in his room for 5 mins and the door open and baby gate closed. I’m right outside. He normally calms down and starts playing.

My DH also WFH and he only comes down when he’s having a break or I need his help. He’d never interfere without me asking as he knows I’m okay and will ask if I feel I need it. Maybe have that conversation with your DH

While it can feel personal it’s not, it’s because their emotions are so big and they can’t express it.

with kindness, your post does sound very full on, and maybe some regular breaks would help you both!

Sorry for the many grammatical errors. I was typing and making a cuppa. I obviously can’t multitask anymore.