How do you discipline a 4yo

[DuckityDuck]

when you can no longer easily restrain them?

We've generally tried to avoid "punishments" in favour of "natural consequences". DD is pretty good TBF, so we haven't had to use either a lot.

Occasionally (when disregulated or very pissed off at being told no!) she will be violent - hitting, kicking etc. When she was smaller we'd react to this by putting her on the other side of the kitchen baby gate and saying that we had to stay away to keep ourselves safe. These days of course she can just climb over, so we've tried sending her to her room, but she won't always go, and if I try to pick her up and carry her there (as I would have done when she was younger) it ends up in a physical struggle, which feels horrible (and I'm also worried about her wriggling out of my grip on the stairs 😱).

So what do we do? Is a screen time ban punishment the only option??

@coxesorangepippin
If you have some examples of what you think I should do instead I'd love to hear them

If you express your frustration by raising your voice or threatening her with removing things from her or isolation... she's going to pick up those skills and use them in friendships and relationships. Or worse, she's going to be treated that way by friends and when older, relationships too.
At 4 all they need is you to SHOW them how to come back. They are still in the front of their brain/cant think straight because the emotions are taking over and your then telling her to go be alone with all those emotions in her room.
She needs you and more importantly she's teaching you how to regulate too.
Each time she absolutely breaks, figure out where it came from: needs not met - hunger, exhaustion. Being mistreated elsewhere - school, friends, older siblings etc.
Deal with the now by hugging her and keep praising her. Each time she screams or goes into a meltdown, you just put your arms around her and tell her how you love her very much and know it's hard being so angry and we'll work out together.
After half an hour of crying and hugging, someone will need something and it's time to find a distraction that makes her smile.
Then come back to talking about it after. It may not make any sense what she says but she needs to know you're all ears.
In a decades time, you will be so grateful she's telling you how you made her angry by xyz instead of running off and you guessing where she is.

Also, please don't threaten to remove her favourite toys as punishment.
If someone told you they were going to take your favourite person or phone or car away each time you didn't meet their agenda you would probably react far worse.
Alternative might be to put a boundary in on what you will do differently if they don't do something you've asked them to do.

My DS was like this. The holding and hugging didn't work with him (although I'd try this first because if jt works, it'll help teach her to regulate more effectively)- any attempts to help him calm down would immediately cause him to escalate by thrashing his head around/even trying to bite, resulting in me being nutted a few times. Any attempts to name his feelings etc resulted in absolute blind rage, but it works with most of my friends' kids so is probably an effective strategy with the right child!

When he was smaller, I used the 1-2-3 magic technique (which I know divides opinion, but nothing else worked). That stopped the absolute vast majority of the violent behaviour extremely quickly. He still has the occasional moment at five, although it's a rare occurrence. I've discovered that a firm 'freeze!' when I can see he's about to hit stops him long enough to rethink, and then he's able to talk whatever's upset him through with me.

You trying to carry her or restraining her makes no sense whatsoever.
Don't threaten a screen ban. Have them banned already and good behaviour will give her access.
Talk to her calmly during a normal moment of day and tell her that if she ever hits you, kicks, bites, pulls hair or any other type of physical act, her favourite toy, dress, , shoes, frame is gone. And the next time she hits you, just say in a stern voice " toy is gone" , go to the kitchen , grab a black rubbish bag and put the toy in it, then carry it to your car.
Tell her you believe she has the intelligence to know the difference between good and bad, and the you expect good from her. Then tell her to grab a book and read it to her, to take out baking supplies and make Christmas cookies.