How do you discipline a 4yo

[DuckityDuck]

when you can no longer easily restrain them?

We've generally tried to avoid "punishments" in favour of "natural consequences". DD is pretty good TBF, so we haven't had to use either a lot.

Occasionally (when disregulated or very pissed off at being told no!) she will be violent - hitting, kicking etc. When she was smaller we'd react to this by putting her on the other side of the kitchen baby gate and saying that we had to stay away to keep ourselves safe. These days of course she can just climb over, so we've tried sending her to her room, but she won't always go, and if I try to pick her up and carry her there (as I would have done when she was younger) it ends up in a physical struggle, which feels horrible (and I'm also worried about her wriggling out of my grip on the stairs 😱).

So what do we do? Is a screen time ban punishment the only option??

Our 4 year old grandson is pretty good but he always responds really well to reward charts for any misdemeanours, with a treat if he achieves x number of stickers over a period of time, like the zoo or trampoline park.

Thank you. We do use reward charts for some things but this is more for things like hitting or doing dangerous things where you have to (or I feel like we have to at least!) react in the moment to make her understand that her behaviour is unacceptable.

The only thing I can really think of is telling her she has to go to her room or there'll be no TV for the rest of the day/tomorrow. It seems pretty arbitrary though, plus is basically just punishing ourselves 😂

I usually go with threatening removal of a favoured toy by the count of three.

Personally I would be focusing on the behaviour first. Managing to help her regulate wil help a lot and of she can articulate her frustration, anger etc all the better.

Has she some way to release the hitting she is doing? Get her a beanbag or a body pillow out it somewhere she can't hurt herself or others.

Does she have a good vocab of emotions, does she talk about feeling cross, by having conversations and helping her identify her feelings you xan work on strategies to help her

I have found by doing this it completely nearly removed the incidents. We used stickers towards weekend treat e.g comic etc as the incentive when I felt they had a reasonable capacity to self direct to the punch bag.

Why are you showing her that you are scared of her? This will disturb her more than you know. You need to show her you are in charge, so she can feel safe.

I concur. I do this to show things are serious, and stopping violent behaviour is at the top of that list

@itwilltakeaslongasittakes I don't really understand what you're saying? I'm not scared of her, I'm scared of her wriggling out of my grip while I carry her up the stairs and getting hurt. And I don't like physically struggling with her.

(I have no idea why the above is in bold but I can't seem to change it...)

by you hiding behind a baby gate so she don’t hurt you…

Ds is a delight for everyone except me, he has the most horrendous tantrums for the smallest slight.

How does she respond to count downs?

I started to count down from 5, funnily to calm myself before responding, I started by telling him I was going to count down from 5 and do it. He clearly took it as a count down for him (we use 10 minutes left, 5 minutes left, 2 minutes, ok 10, 9,8 etc) so had usually stopped and is just stood waiting for me by the time I get to 3. Sometimes he's still too far gone to talk, but the action of 5,4,3 centres him enough to begin that process.

Could be something to try?

@Marblesbackagain thank you. That does sound like a good idea - she's not great at recognising emotions other than "happy" and "sad".

I still feel like I need some sort of strategy to use in the moment when she kicks me because I turned the TV off though 😬

I think you've misunderstood. I'm not actually scared, but if she hurts someone then the natural consequence is that she has to be kept away from them, which (helpfully!) she hated.

I also have emotion cards on my work lanyard as I work with SEN children and I've usually got it on when I pick him up from school so he uses that occasion to help identify how he is feeling.

@Hummusanddipdip thank you. Sadly count downs very rarely work for my daughter, but I agree they are a great way to ensure that I as the parent and calm before reacting!

Emotion cards also sound like a great idea. If you have any that you'd recommend in particular then I'd love to know

I helped raise three lads with ASD with my aunt so to be honest I took a lot I learnt from that experience with me when i had my own.

I prioritised them having an outlet in our case a pillow when young and now we have a communal punch bag. I probably use it more.

In your example I would be sitting with her before it goes on. Telling her she gets two episodes of whatever and set the timer. Give her a reminder after one.

I would pause and ask her to use her words. Don't pick her up or try hold her that will only escalate it.Keep calm.

Show her how to take calm breaths, lots of info online on different methods. Work through some twinkle resources on emotions. They usually have good ones

If she is losing the plot I would stay really calm, really calm which takes a lot of working on yourself. And keep everyone as safe as possible while letting it pass. I wouldn't try to discipline in the moment. Then afterwards you can deal with the behaviour. Ultimately you are trying to teach them to regulate themselves so they don't lose their mind.

Look up the zones of regulation, we found these helpful when my youngest DD had epic meltdowns.

We figured out things like using a weighted blanket helped a lot, jumping on the trampoline when in the danger zone / different things work for every child. When she is mad now she gets her weighted blanket and sits her room with a lava lamp on. Not always but massive improvement on what we had.

Just thinking from her point of view - you saying you’re staying away to keep yourselves safe makes it look like you’re scared of her. Just a thought, of course maybe i got it wrong

Also if telly is a big flashpoint try and come up with a better way to get her off it. Either that is a timer they set themselves or strategies like talking to them about what they are watching to draw them out of that world.

Twinkl is great, they have loads of resources and you can use it as a parent and set up a dedicated account. I have a set like the ones in the image, amazon sell them too after a quick Google

You don't put her on the other side of the kitchen/ in her room. She needs you more when she's regulated and punishing will make things worse.
You hold the hitting hand and you stay with her. role-modelling calmness and self control. You tell her firmly that you are not going to let her hit.

No rewards, no punishments/ consequences (it's not a natural consequence if you're actively putting her in a different room). Put yourself in her shoes, understand, firmly stop, and support.

@Hummusanddipdip thank you that's great. DH has an account already I think so we'll have a look.

when she's disregulated*

Thank you, that's really helpful, and fits with the kind of parenting style we aspire to

Why are you showing her that you are scared of her?

^

This. Who's in charge???

and saying that we had to stay away to keep ourselves safe.

^

Meanwhile the four year old is laughing to herself in front of the stair gate whilst you're behind it??

Come on