First christmas & grandparents

[FairRoseFox]

I know I'm likely being unreasonable, but I am struggling with this and not sure how to just get over it.
It's my baby's first christmas coming up and I know she won't remember it but we will. My mum and my mil are getting very involved and buying lots of things (out of love I know) but I'm finding it stressful. For example both keep buying things like Xmas eve pyjamas to wake up in on Xmas day, first Xmas bib to use for their Xmas dinner, Xmas stocking, an empty advent calendar that can be used every year to start using when old enough and other things that really I wanted to buy as a first time mum.
I don't want to come across selfish as I know it's very kind, but I also want to experience choosing and buying these things which will last for years to come.
Do I just get over it and accept the things they keep buying for the baby, or do I just buy the things I wanted to buy and not say anything or do I say something to remind them it's our baby not theirs and I'd like to have these experiences as a first time mum? When I did mention it briefly my mum got really annoyed.
I'm happy for them to get keepsakes but certain things I'd like us to do as parents. I don't want to upset or come across ungrateful as I know they're just excited, however it's (stupid I know) getting me down.

I apologize for being blunt, but why does your mum's annoyance outweigh your annoyance? She's a grown up, she can get over it. But this is your child, not hers (she's had her time), and you have every right to do these special things yourself

My parents and in laws did something similar so I created a WhatsApp group with them, myself and my husband and said it was for sharing photos of the baby and posting when they want to buy something ao we didn’t end up with duplicates.
They didn’t like the idea at first but when they both said they bought Santa plates, I just replied saying it was really kind but we had also bought one so they could keep it at their own houses and our baby could just use it as a plate when she gets older.

I would just put your foot down, remind them you’re grateful for everything they are doing but you’ve already bought something or have something in mind already so can they run it past you before buying anything.

I’d choose your battles tbh. If it’s something you like, keep it. Or choose the one that they buy- “oh that’s lovely but I’d seen this one we would like” and send a link.
Xmas Eve pjs are stupid waste of money- ask them to give you the Xmas pjs (or even better sleep suits and wear them during the day) now and wear them over the next weeks at least. Then if you’re desperate to be the one who buys Xmas Eve pjs then you can.

But you’ve got a lifetime of buying stuff and these purchases aren’t a big thing unless you live an insta life and want to document all this online. The day to day slog of being a mum is what makes you a mother. Not the photos of your first time buys.

This nails it, every time! It's a special time for everyone obviously but grandparents have to take a step back, they'll still be included unless they push too hard and cause resentment. Good luck, enjoy your baby's first Christmas 🎄

What a load of rubbish. Parenting is hard slog and it’s all these first moments, the going home outfit, first Christmas outfit etc, that are little bits of fun that making being a parent lovely. Why is the grandparents being overbearing trumping the actual mother’s feelings? Nothing to do with Instagram either, my child isn’t on it and I took great pride and joy out of choosing and dressing my child for ‘firsts’.

@FairRoseFox you will just need to say that’s nice, I’d say to mum and mil “I’ll be choosing all the clothes and outfits for the special days/events, and I’ll put the rest on for general holiday circulation”. If they argue the toss, you need to say my child, my privilege to dress for firsts, you have had your time.

That’s really annoying even though it’s coming from a good place - I would just say you’ve got some before handing it back and thank them

that will stop them the next time as it sounds they will end up getting bigger things than Santa does

pull back a bit from them both - it’s your time now

Just say “lovely, how kind but we’ve already got XYZ so why don’t you keep it at your house”. They’ll soon get the message.

Oh bless you OP.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable or selfish, they've had their time to do this with their own babies, they are now overstepping. It's fine they're excited, but they don't get to take these 'moments' away from you.

I would say something like 'Oh thank you, but we already bought her 'first 'X' (even if you haven't), we'll add this to her wardrobe though/keep it at your house'.

Following with interest at my mum is being exactly the same and DD isn't even here until February...

Take the clothes. Snap a pic.. Change dc into your outfit.. Tell dm /mil dc puked on their outfit..

You need to learn to head them off at the pass.
I did when my MIL massively overstepped.

One big one is your child’s first shoes. It makes my blood boil when I hear of Grandma wanting to monopolise this. Don’t tell anyone your DC needs their first shoes and book an appointment and go alone. That’s if you’ve not done it yet.

I actually went on a secret cake making and topping course to head off my MIL who wanted to make my DCs cakes which is a laugh as she’s a terrible cook. Mine are a work of art and the look on her face is priceless.

Thank you for your assurances. I really appreciate it.
I don't use social media so it's not to take photos for online it's just as someone put it above to have a chance to do the nice fun memorable things for the first time amongst the day to day of being a mum.
Thank you again.

My DGS is also celebrating his first Xmas and DD found a bodysuit she really liked so I bought it for him.

Perhaps you could send links to your parents and inlaws of things you like and ask if they would buy them for your DC?

I would just say thanks and move on from it. Put them in the Christmas pjs any night in December, if you want specific ones for Christmas Eve then just buy them.
I had these thoughts about my mum with my first but then MIL passed when she was 1 and ultimately it’s just not worth it.
Put them in the bib, don’t put them in the bib, it doesn’t really matter bit I personally don’t think it needs a big “don’t buy my baby any Christmas items” chat.

I have a different view on this. It's their way of trying to do something nice and saves you money if you actually wanted thus stuff. I personally wouldn't bother with a load of baby's first Christmas tat.

The bauble is going to get chucked anyway. Christmas pj's are useful throughout the season and beyond if you are more bothered about getting the wear out rather than dressing for Christmas.

I really wouldn't worry about "firsts".

You need to bite the bullet now with both of them. This is your child and you get to buy their first <insert item here> and the Grandparents need to be guided by you. We do Christmas Eve pyjamas only so they have a nice set without stains on for Christmas morning. They are not Christmas themed and they wear them all year round. Considering my children are now 21 and 18, I clearly didn't do it for social media reasons and yes, we still do that.

I would send the same message to both of them that you appreciate them thinking of their grandchild but you are buying things and that would mean the child has 3 first Christmas plates etc. I would suggest they keep them at their houses. My advice would be for you, don't buy a "first" Christmas plate, but get Christmas plates you can use every year and buy a set of 4 to cover future children if you plan to have any. The same with a stocking, if you want a matching set buy more than one now.

They are obviously coming at this from a place of love but maybe you can steer it toward something that you haven't got.

This is my mindset too. I've not kept any of the babies first stuff... What's the point? For them to throw it away at 30.

I honestly think you are overthinking. If there's something you want buy it but don't kid yourself it lasts for years to come. It's just shit hanging around you don't need.

Take the advent calendar. We have a wooden sleigh one to fill with chocolate (MIL got it) every year it stays in the cellar and the dc love the big supermarket ones, Lindt and reeses pieces.

Stocking. You probably need a massive santa sack so get that instead. You can keep the ones they give as decoration and buy one you like. In any case it will be a few more years until they are hanging up their own stocking so I'd leave it and buy something when they are 3 or 4.

I knew my mother well enough to know she wouldn't do any of those things, had to speak to MIL but it was one text and sorted, no issues.

Just to add I'm not really buying anything with 'first' or '2024' on as I'm in agreement it'll just go into the loft. I want to buy her the stocking she will use every year, an advent calendar we can use each year etc and looking forward to choosing what she will use for years to come. Only the Xmas day bib which costs a couple of quid and an Xmas baby grow to wear for Xmas would be the 'one off' thing I wanted to get.
I will definitely just buy the things I want and use them, but I've spoken to my husband to say we need to put boundaries in now before we have the same issue in the future like 1st birthday where I'd like to buy her outfit.
It's so hard as I know they mean well and I hate to disappoint people that I'm not using what they have bought, I know I just need to be firmer!

As a new granny you are definitely not being unreasonable OP. You just need to be positive, loving, appreciative but make very clear boundaries as PPs have suggested (keep at your house Mum/Mil). MyDD does this with us and we have super clear communication. I would absolutely hate to think I’ve taken away from her own role. Hopefully theywilllisten and understand but if not stand firm.

Explain how as the DPs you want the pleasure of this but it would be lovely if they eg bought an x each or invite them for a lovely Christmas lights walk. Channel their involvement and love in a way thatworks for you as a new family. Enjoy your DCs first Christmas.

My mother in law did a stocking for my son when he was three and it really did step on my toes, as Father Christmas myself. It wasn’t her job to do that and I thought it was so tactless. She didn’t see it like that. I expect she thought she was being generous but my children ended up with 2 stockings for years. They loved it needless to say. I bit my tongue - now everyone is older (including her) and it doesn’t matter any more but she was such a dominant force and so bossy and overbearing. Hard to take when you are learning to be a parent. Her behaving as though I wasn’t a parent - and nor was her son - and that she was in charge of stockings made me really dislike her. Anyway, time passed and it’s all fine now and she’s old and the boot is on the other foot and I’ve always been very kind to her (never expressed my irritation at her domineering ways or tried not to.) she needs me now and can’t boss us all around so much.

I think it’s quite hard for the bossy older generation to take their place in the back seats when their children become parents. I see that now.

I'm with you OP. My Mum is excited to buy things for our baby DS but she does at least (mostly) ask first. When it comes to 'firsts' and keepsakes like a Christmas stocking I take a lot of joy in choosing them to our own taste, despite (to answer a PP) DS never having appeared on social media.

I would just repeat the mantra that 'oh you should have checked first, we've already got X, can you return it otherwise we'll just wear it / use it another day'.

Honestly op I think you’re being very precious.

Chances are all these signifcant things may not even be used every year - eg dc is 5 they will want a particular advent calendar, and a different one next year etc.

The memorable things are as often as not the things your dc randomly gets attached to - the ugly snowman that they make at nursery and insist on putting on the Christmas tree, or the cookie tin they like to put their Christmas baking in each year. All these Insta-pretty things like pyjamas are only meaningful if you obsess about them.

In my case the things grandparents bought became treasured when both my parents died when my youngest was still a toddler. My older dc insists they have the (tiny!) stockings granny bought them to use. It’s more beloved because it was chosen by a much-loved grandparent.

Now I’m older I can see that the pleasure I afforded my parents by letting them “in” during those early years, including them in the excitement, was really worth it.

You will have plenty of time to make Christmas special for your dc - believe me!

In fact my MIL has given up doing stockings now the children are older and I’m left being Father Christmas… it’s a marathon not a sprint. But grandparents really ought to be careful not to step on new parents’s toes.

I understand how you feel, OP, we had the same last year (and throughout my pregnancy with them buying lots of things we'd hoped to pick out). I'm sure people will say 'stop being ungrateful' but you're not ungrateful, you're just sad that you haven't been able to pick those things for YOUR child, as they did for theirs. YANBU. You can still buy those things and use the ones you've bought and if they ask why you're not using what they bought you can say 'I picked this one out' and leave it at that - if they have any sense or respect they won't argue!