First christmas & grandparents

[FairRoseFox]

I know I'm likely being unreasonable, but I am struggling with this and not sure how to just get over it.
It's my baby's first christmas coming up and I know she won't remember it but we will. My mum and my mil are getting very involved and buying lots of things (out of love I know) but I'm finding it stressful. For example both keep buying things like Xmas eve pyjamas to wake up in on Xmas day, first Xmas bib to use for their Xmas dinner, Xmas stocking, an empty advent calendar that can be used every year to start using when old enough and other things that really I wanted to buy as a first time mum.
I don't want to come across selfish as I know it's very kind, but I also want to experience choosing and buying these things which will last for years to come.
Do I just get over it and accept the things they keep buying for the baby, or do I just buy the things I wanted to buy and not say anything or do I say something to remind them it's our baby not theirs and I'd like to have these experiences as a first time mum? When I did mention it briefly my mum got really annoyed.
I'm happy for them to get keepsakes but certain things I'd like us to do as parents. I don't want to upset or come across ungrateful as I know they're just excited, however it's (stupid I know) getting me down.

None of this stuff is important. Use what they've bought or don't. Duplicate it if you want to. But it really doesn't matter. I never deliberately bought Christmas pyjamas or a Christmas bib or a Santa plate. They have stockings but I can't remember who bought them. Might have been us, might have been in-laws. It's all just stuff that really doesn't have to have this kind of emotional investment.

Please stand up for yourself. I didn't, and I really regret it.

Genuinely, there's no need to be rude, just send a friendly but firm message that you appreciate all the thought and care, but as her parents, you'd been excited about getting these things for her, and you'd like to buy them.

They may be a bit disappointed, but they are grown adults, they will cope with that. And they had their chance, with you - they're reliving that feeling with their grandchild, which is lovely, but it's taking yours. And you might not get it again - either with future children or with grandchildren.

I really regret not just putting boundaries in place around things. Obviously not just things like this, but if I'd started here, it'd have set the scene a lot better and things would be a lot better now.

Ah yes I remember this; there was lots of “thank you but I’ve already got this” even if I hadn’t but wanted to get it myself. Some things you can have lots of and just use at other times - Christmas pjs they buy can be used any time over the Christmas time and use what you like Christmas morning, same with bibs and other outfits. I think my DD had an outfit change at every nappy change on her first Christmas!

Honestly as someone with several young kids I think “boundaries” around this is so over the top and sometimes I think mumsnet fan the flames a bit. Before long there will be much more expenses, childcare, bikes, classes etc and Christmas and birthdays are much more expensive and you might be happy that granny wants to buy a birthday dress on top of the gift!
You don’t need to wear the outfit when the grandmothers have suggested, stick the bib on when you visit them and if you are so set on a specific bin for Christmas buy it anyway.

@HowManyNsInBrenn I don’t think it’s ungrateful, I just think it’s magnanimous and good for your Christmas karma (if such a thing exists!) to welcome the involvement of wider family in making Christmas special for dc.

You can always carve out a special something— in my case, I buy a small Christmas tree ornament for each of my dc each year, so they are slowly accumulating a little set of their own which go on our main tree. It is a tradition now, and the dc absolutely love it - some of them are really memorable, like the photo one when dc2 was born, or the themed ones I bought when we went to Disney.

Nowadays I actively enjoy helping PIL find a perfect gift to buy dc and watching them glow with pleasure when it is well received.

Even if all 3 of you buy a Christmas baby grow surely they’d get worn? Just wear the one you choose for Christmas Eve/day and wear the others over the festive period. If they say I’ve bought this for Christmas Day just say she can wear it Boxing Day I’ve already got her Christmas outfit. If they sulk they sulk 🤷‍♀️

I do agree with you, but when hormones are at play these things can feel like such a big deal and can leave you feeling a bit out of control, perhaps. That's how I felt, I was quite freshly post-partum last Christmas and found it really hard. This year I've found it easier to accept people buying things I'd have liked to have bought!
(I like the idea of Christmas Karma!)

I think you need to accept they will be annoyed and learn to not let it worry you. I'd head them off now with the 'thank you but we will be buying sentimental things' e.g stockings, first Christmas things etc.
Its not about being ungrateful it is about wanting to do those first things with your own child. They had their chance with their children so now it is your turn.
I'm always 100% grateful for anything my parents and in law want to get but I 100% put my foot down with some things. I do the advent calendars, Christmas eve boxes, stocking and Christmas day outfits. My in laws and parents are free to do whatever they wish outside of that.

Edit to add: we also do the same for birthdays. I buy the birthday outfit. My parents and in laws are free to buy my kids what they want but they will be wearing what I chose.

For me it’s not that big a deal, I lean more of the pick your battles approach and try not to over think things. Grandparents want to spoil (presumably) first grandchild on their first Christmas. I’d take the gifts and then snap a few cute photos of the baby in the pj’s, bibs etc and then send them to GP’s saying thank you. Then buy what you want for Christmas Eve etc.