2 year old a nightmare at children's party

[Juope]

My DD in 3 in a few weeks and was invited to a party yesterday for another 3 year old.

It started with a magic show, she wouldn't stop running around and playing with the balloons whilst the others her age sat nicely with their mum's. She wouldn't listen to a word the magician said, even when addressed directly. She eventually sat down with me as I made it a tickle game and got her juice. She got bored quickly and announced 'i don't want this party'.

She perked up for the party food and then it was time to sing happy birthday and cut the cake-the cake was taken away and party games were started- musical statues etc. DD was distraught to not get the cake. She howled and I had to take her out to try to have a breather but she was in total overload, sobbing her heart out saying she wanted to go home. I held her and told her I heard she was upset and frustrated but it was time to go have a play with her friends and then we would have cake after. She wasn't really listening though she was too far gone to be reasoned with. To my embarrassment birthday Childs parents let her eat some cake in another room whilst the games were ongoing- the birthday girl herself just readily accepted when her parents told her she would have to wait

DD then wouldn't join in the games, preferring to run in loops and instigating a game of chase with one of the other kids. We decided to go and then she was actually lovely, saying happy birthday to birthday girl, goodbye to everyone, and thanking the parents pretty much unprompted.

I'd think my expectations were off but every other child her age seemed to manage it all ok. I found it really stressful and was worried that I've done her a disservice in doing a bad job of parenting her in general. She doesn't go to nursery so it's all been us. I feel like I've not taught her wait f and frustration tolerance. I feel like she is normally a lovely bright little girl and I often find her no problem to parent but now wondering if that's because we just run everything to her needs and desires.

Looking for feedback and advice!

She's at the age where most parents start to socialise their kid, either by sending them to pre-school or starting some classes.

3yo vary massively in their ability to join in with groups.

If the other children have spent significant time in groups they will be used to the concept of sitting and listening/watching and also will be beginning to get used to other adults.

It's a good time to start exposing her to spending time in groups with other children. She won't comply at first - they never do - but over time she will get used to it.

You're spiralling here.

She's only two. They are often very upset when overexcited.

Just take her out when it gets too much and come back in when she calms down. If she's being rude (saying she doesn't want to be at the party) just take her out.

Basically accept she might be difficult and make sure it's not a problem for other people.

I agree some pre-school groups are good practice - story time at the library etc.

Hey look... mummy of 3 here. They do have off days. Don't be hard on yourself.

But I would start nursery and baby groups so your little one is ready for school.

She isn't due to start pre school until September next year.
When she has spent time with other kids it's always ina n unstructured environment. I think I need to have a look at some classes for her.

She’s only 2, they get overexcited and overwhelmed quite easily. Cutting the cake and not serving it immediately is just weird isn’t it? My kids are almost 4 and 7 so I feel like I’ve been to a lot of parties over the past few years and every single one they’ve cut the cake and served it immediately to the kids. Even amongst my eldest’s age group there would be disappointment if they took it away again! So I don’t blame her at all for that. I agree with others though that she’d probably benefit from spending more time in groups with other kids- some structured activities would be good if you don’t want to do nursery yet.

She does go to rhyme time but it's really interactive and she can stand up, there's instruments, parachute time etc, it's the sitting and listening that she has no experience of at all. Well apart from books at home but that would be her choice of book and activity.

I think this is normal behaviour for a 2 year old. My DD was like this at times when she was 2, she wouldn’t have sat and watched a magic show.

She’s 5 now and absolutely loves parties with entertainers/ magicians etc and will sit and watch the whole thing, some children who attend the parties (age 4 and 5) still don’t sit and watch, they are running around etc and they are 2 years older.

Could you try something like baby swimming lessons or tumble tots? Those would be quite exciting for her I’d imagine so it might be a bit easier for her to join in? Don’t worry OP, being a total pain at a party I’d say is virtually a right of passage…!

It’ll likely resolve naturally over time - as she matures and is more aware of what the others are doing she will likely copy them. The odd more structured group isn’t a bad idea or bringing pre school forward can she do a couple of mornings a week or something?

I’d definitely book her into a few classes if she’s not going to preschool until next September. She’ll be almost 4 and it’ll be a big shock for her. From 3 lots of classes are more structured and some the parents aren’t in the room. Have a look at something like dance or gymnastics classes.

Reading between the lines, I would say she was very overwhelmed at being a large group and got over excited/ emotional. I would also suggest she isn't going to be one who finds adult led activities easy, in the longer term.

Where I work, we don't expect 2 year old kids to sit and listen at carpet time. That only starts at 3 and it can take a while to learn, though obviously singing songs/listening to a story is far less engaging than a puppet show. Some 2 year olds want to join in earlier, and some are struggling to listen at nearly 4!

I think you need to stop being yourself up as it's pretty normal for some children, especially if there is no expectation for them. However, I would also say that for at least a year before going to school, I would go to plenty of adult led activities and also send her to school nursery/ preschool to get used to that as it may take a while. The main thing is that you don't want her starting school with always wanting to do her own thing and being unable to follow instructions.

Why is she not due to start pre-school for so long? Do they not go the term after they turn 3? I've always used a private nursery so not sure. I have a 3 year old and can't imagine having her at home with me all day every day (genuinely - well done you for entertaining her!) Can she not start earlier?

I was worried about DS1 at this age, he was the same at parties. He actually did have ASD/ADHD but, at 12, he is the biggest rule-follower and the politest child imaginable!

They change so much when they're little. I would keep an eye on your DD and give her plenty of opportunities to socialise/learn how to be in a group.

It sounds like your on the right track. Very typical of her age. Mines behaviour was worse at 3/nearly 3 than 2. I probably would have left early, but not saying that's the right thing. She's got a way to go until school, even then lots of reception children can't sit well at listen. Maybe the minority but a significant minority. Enrolling in a more structured class sounds good for her age. I party is too overwhelming for lots of little ones. They normally enjoy them more 4+.

Thank you this was helpful to reflect. I think you're right that then there the added overwhelm of trying to manage disappointment in a noisy room full of children and strange adults.

The puppet show thing made me reflect actually that's he has sat and watched that kind of thing nicely a few times- however particularly thinking of when it's been on at a summer fete she has had a good runs round and an ice cream before then settling down. She was excited to go to the party and was dancing beforehand and I think she probably arrived full of energy and ready to let loose! I'm thinking myself maybe next party we take her to the park beforehand and give her a decent snack just before arrival etc.

I went through a few similarly awful experiences with DD when she was this age. We stopped going to big parties with entertainers in the end, she hated them! I remember being stressed at the time and a bit sad I couldn't socialise with the other nursery parents or my friends at their kids parties. DD had gone to nursery from being a baby and was fine there, she did classes with me and we did lots of play dates at home, she just didn't like big parties.

DD is now 5 and loves a party. Looking back she was too young and I spent too much time worrying about it.

She's due to start the September before she starts school. There isn't an option to go any earlier, it's for the academic year before school.
There isn't really an alternative option near us as the private nurseries aren't interested in having a kid two mornings a week etc.

Sounds perfectly normal. Bit weird that they presented the cake then didn’t serve it!

I’d try less to make her sit still and listen to a magician or whatever if she’s not engaged with it – it’s OK to let her play with supervision and probably less distracting for those that are engaging than to have a toddler squirming and forced to sit down.

My DD's just started reception and we've had a lot of 5th birthday parties - a number of her classmates found it difficult to sit still for a magic show at one party the other week! That said I would agree with PPs that some structured classes would be beneficial if it's a while until she starts preschool. None of them will make them sit completely still for longer than 5/10 minutes at this age in my experience anyway though, they expect young children to need to move around!

I think it's wonderful your daughter is not a sheep. Embrace her individuality - good for her. Who wants to sit and watch a magician when there's running around to be done.

Honestly this sounds like a terrible party for 2 and 3 year olds. Way too much structure. More appropriate for 5 year olds. I think at this age we did things like soft play or meet in the park to avoid exactly this sort of problem. 2 year olds are not known for being rational or compliant, I would never have shown them the cake and then not served it straight away. I don't think your child was the unusual one, I'm surprised there were so many who would sit still for all of that.

If it helps my own dd would've done the same as yours if not worse at that age. She has never been patient or able to sit still for long, could never sit through a film as a young child etc but at some point we got there. She can now sit through whole films in the cinema and has even managed 2 long haul flights.

If she is 3 soon why is she not going to pre-school sooner? It really sounds like she needs to learn how to take turns, be in a group with others, listen to instructions, wait! I can’t believe you let her have the cake before the birthday girl? What’s the consequence here? She gets rewarded for tantrums!
I probably would have left after the cake tantrum tbh.

Unlike others I don’t think this is normal behaviour btw. It also sounds from your post that you are not very good at managing her behaviour - giving juice for sitting down, getting cake first etc she basically gets rewards for playing up. I doubt the juice helped calm her down.

They took the cake away to cut it! Happens at most parties.

A year is plenty of time. Most school nurseries don't take them till a year before they go and OP explained that other places don't want her to go just a few mornings. That's the reality of childcare/ funding etc. Next September is fine with some adult led activities which OP attends with her child eg. Playgroups with structured activities, storytime/ rhyme time at library etc.