Partners son doesn't want to spend Christmas with us

[Looneymahooney]

Just that, really.

My partners 11-year-old son has told him that he wants to stay down south with his mum, her partner and family for Christmas instead of come up North to be with us (his dad, me, his step sister and new baby brother). My partner is very upset about this as this had been the plan for quite some time, and last Christmas was spent with his mum.

What is getting to me is, apparently his mum has said to him how much he'll be missing out on if he isn't with her family this Christmas, and that one of his friends (who lives down the street from them and he sees all the time) is going to be over their house, and he'll miss out on this.

I personally just think she should be encouraging his relationship with his dad, and it seems unfair how she would make him feel bad about what he'll miss out on when there was already a plan in place. He is with his mum the majority of the time because of my partners job in the forces (he is sometimes away for longer periods at a time). They have no custody court order arrangement in place. When my step son is here he has a wonderful time and often doesn't want to go back to his mums.

Not much to be done, I suppose, as we can't make him want to spend time here.

Does anyone have a take on this? I don't really know how to approach it.

So many men don't want to be in a long distance relationship with a lover, but are happy to be in one with their own child, and then are disappointed when that child makes a life without the parent at the centre of it.

This is one of the truest things I have ever read on Mumsnet.

Maybe she is being honest and doesn;t want him to come back after a quiet Christmas with adults, to discover his mate has been having a great time at home with all the family.

He's eleven. Your DH needs to let him choose where he wants to spend Christmas and do it with good grace. Maybe travel down to see him the weekend before, to give him presents and maybe take him and a friend out for food or to a Christmas movie or some other festive event.

As an ex-forces wife I feel a bit sorry for your partner - it can have a hugely detrimental effect on the family unit. We left for exactly this reason as I could see the future getting more and more difficult for my husband and his relationship with our kids.

I’m astounded by how many ‘tit for tat’ people are on here, because mum cares for him majority of the time means she doesn’t have to encourage him to spend some time at dads at all? How is that helpful for the child?

Anyway I do agree that at 11 he has made his wishes clear and that really you can all just go alone with it. But as others have said give him a wonderful time to show how loved he is in the period he visits after Christmas. Help him see he has two homes rather than a place to visit…

Poor child. He will cry when he leaves your home, he sees his dad and then knows he leaves and his daddy carries on with his new family. He goes home to his other new sibling and settles in again, he may well cry when he leaves his mum to come to you.
Your main focus seems to be on your partner rather than on his son. Your partner is an adult who has created a new family away from his son, he will not be dragged up the country away from them and his friends, he stays within his comfort zone.
Possibly the child does want to stay with his mum and friend. That should be his decision. You seem to be pushing blame onto his mother, do you really know that she is persuading him to stay or is she articulating what he has told her? I am not sure why you feel you have to be in charge of Christmas?
You say he has a good time at your house, if he does why does that need to be over Christmas, let him come when he wants to. It is not hard to organise a mock Christmas Day, I guess the Christmas Day church service would be missing but how about celebrating 12th night?

His mum does all the running around, all the shit stuff like making him so his homework, making him go to school etc yet you expect his dad to get the fun stuff?
BTW I forced my children to see their Dad who was hardly ever wanted to see them unless it was a birthday, Christmas etc by 11/12 they saw that and they saw that their dad had a new family and decided to reduce contact themselves. I would take them to their dad's at Christmas but they'd refuse to leave the car.

He's 11 he is starting to know his own mind, and he's starting to know where he wants to socialise and who with.
If it's that important to his dad that he sees him Christmas then his dad needs to book a hotel room close to where his son lives and see him for a few hours - even the whole day!