Partners son doesn't want to spend Christmas with us

[Looneymahooney]

Just that, really.

My partners 11-year-old son has told him that he wants to stay down south with his mum, her partner and family for Christmas instead of come up North to be with us (his dad, me, his step sister and new baby brother). My partner is very upset about this as this had been the plan for quite some time, and last Christmas was spent with his mum.

What is getting to me is, apparently his mum has said to him how much he'll be missing out on if he isn't with her family this Christmas, and that one of his friends (who lives down the street from them and he sees all the time) is going to be over their house, and he'll miss out on this.

I personally just think she should be encouraging his relationship with his dad, and it seems unfair how she would make him feel bad about what he'll miss out on when there was already a plan in place. He is with his mum the majority of the time because of my partners job in the forces (he is sometimes away for longer periods at a time). They have no custody court order arrangement in place. When my step son is here he has a wonderful time and often doesn't want to go back to his mums.

Not much to be done, I suppose, as we can't make him want to spend time here.

Does anyone have a take on this? I don't really know how to approach it.

Do you have to ‘approach it’? It’s surely your partner’s job to address it. It might be worth reflecting on the extent to which his job means he has far less involvement in his 11-year-old’s life than is ideal, and what steps he might take to rectify that. I mean, essentially he’s asking his 11 year old to be away from home for Christmas. It’s quite a big ask.

It is a pity that she's not making more effort, but perhaps she feels that as she does most of the childcare on a day to day basis, she wants to have Christmas with him.

The way I would approach it would be to plan for him to come before/after christmas and then make a point of ensuring that's a lovely alternative Christmas with this side of his family. You can have a Christmas meal, open presents etc with him, it doesn't have to be on actual Christmas day.

Approach it might not be the right term to use. I guess just, what to think about it all. But thank you. You are right. It is a big ask and I hadn't thought about it that way.

Yes I would arrange for him to come to you after for a second Christmas. You can still make it special with crackers and presents.

I think that when parents live so far apart it’s inevitable that the relationship between the child and the parent who isn’t local will deteriorate over time.

He likely enjoys visiting his dad but given the distance that’s all it is, visiting. He likely doesn’t want to go back to his mum’s because he doesn’t get much time at his dad’s, and now his dad has another child who lives there full time while he just gets occasional visits.

Whereas everything he is is at home down south. His mum, wider family, friends, however hard it is to hear you’re just never going to be able to compete with that, especially as he gets older.

Which of the parents was it that moved?

There's nothing to approach, he's made his feelings clear.

I don't blame the mum for not encouraging it either, she does all the day to day grunt work of parenting, deals with the sickness, the school stuff and everything else, and is then expected to strongly encourage him to be somewhere else for Christmas?

It may not seem fair to you, but I totally get it.

Can you arrange another day a week or two later and have a second Christmas?

I can't think of many 11 year old boys that want to be around babies to be honest. I think you may be over thinking it, and I'd just make plans around it. If he doesn't spend a lot of time with you all, it's understandable that he wants to be at home.

I'll be honest, Christmas with a new baby brother is NOT going to appeal to your average 11yo, especially when he could be at his actual home and meeting up with his mates.

Babies have disturbed nights, are up hideously early and are massive attention hoovers. This is great as the (rightly) besotted parent of a new baby; less so for a lad who just wants a fun Christmas.

I',m sure it's disappointing for your DH. However, if he thinks about what would be the more enjoyable Christmas Day for is son, he'd probably agree that it's OK to want to stay with his mum.

His mum has a new baby, too, and he did spend all summer with us. He was even crying about having to go back to his mums, saying how all she does is shout at him. But i imagine a lot of that might be that she is doing more heavy lifting with the day to day. I do understand it more now I've read these comments.

He’s old enough to decide for himself.

I don't think your partner should take this too personally. My DD8 would always choose to spend Xmas with me over her dad as apparently i make it more 'magical'. She also sees my house as her home and where she is most comfortable even though we have 50/50 custody. She spent last Christmas with him and when I spoke to her on Xmas day I could tell she wasn't feeling as excited! I had her from boxing day and she said it now felt like Christmas! If your partners son is use to the Xmas tradition ls he has with his mom it might be worth considering letting him spend it there and having him from boxing day where you can give him another great day.

The reality is that his main home is with his mum down south, I’m guessing that due to his dad’s job he doesn’t see him that regularly,, not EOW for example. I’m assuming mum already has to navigate around his job so that your SS can see his dad, even though they are no longer together. I anssume it’s for dad’s benefit that there is no fixed contact in place, he can’t have it both ways, wanting time about when it works for him. Asking him to give up Christmas Day with his mum and expecting her to be happy about it is a step too far. Coming especially to spend time with his sibling is not the draw that you think it is. Sad for his dad but I guess he’s home for a while, so his son could come up sometime during the 2 weeks school holidays and spend a few days with
you all.

I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to be away at my dad’s for Christmas as a child (in fact, the only times I ever saw my dad on Christmas was if he came to us or my mum and I both came to stay at his). He wasn’t very involved in my life or fun to be around and i wanted to be home with my dog and my friends and my own house. I definitely would not have wanted to be stuck spending the day with a new baby sibling and two distracted adults who might make me feel a bit sidelined. I think this is just a normal 11 year old thing, nothing to do with his mum. Can your Dh make plans to do something special with him between Christmas and New Year?

When my stepsons were young, we mostly had them for New Year, and we made it into as big a celebration as Christmas - party food for tea and games on NYE, and then presents, and a big breakfast on New Year's Day followed by a trip out to something exciting. Over the years they really started to look forward to it in its own right, especially once they got old enough to stay up for the bells.

Could you do something like that @Looneymahooney, if your DP could be on leave then as well/instead?

How new is the new baby brother? This is a huge change in an 11 year old's life.

I think at 11 he has a right to express his wishes. He wants to be at home for Christmas and see his friend. Pretty normal requests really.

As others have said try and arrange for him to visit another time. He's heading towards the teen years which generally come with changes in what they want to do and the amount of time they want to spend with parents.

It is your partner who has made the choices which mean he is only ever going to be a visitor in his child's life. A choice to live far away, a choice to have a job which renders him absent for long periods, a choice to start a new family. None of these things centred his 11 yr old son. Although his mum shouting at him will make him want to be at yours, the reality is your partner will need to accept and prepare for this happening more and more in the future. Teenagers want to be with their friends.
I would either have two christnases at yours, ie one in new year, or if your kids are ages where they're non the wiser, just one Christmas in new year as if it was Christmas Day. It's on his dad now to make it special enough for his son to do the journey.
You are blaming the mum entirely for encouraging him to stay there, but your partner has made choices which send a message to his son even if the mum says nothing at all.

Could you have a tradition where he comes to you the day after Boxing Day until New Year's Day?

I don't think many kids want to be away from home for Christmas. He obviously doesn't see his dad's home as his own because he's not there very often.

I agree with others about his mum having to do the hard work throughout the year and deserving to spend Christmas with him. I see people on here tying themselves in knots saying a child deserves to alternate Christmases even if the non-resident parent rarely sees the child and doesn't contribute in any way to his upbringing. I'm not suggesting your husband is like that btw.

Is your DH very present in his son's life?

Does he do school runs? Help with homework? Pick him up from school when he's sick? Host play dates for his son and his mates? Cook family meals for him multiple times a week?

These are the things that build family bonds.

Turning up at Xmas or taking the kids on a fortnight to Spain or whatever is nice, but that's the stuff of fun uncle, not a parent.

If the son's main home is with his mum and she's the one that's actually parenting him 90% of the time, it's likely that he'll want to spend the holidays with her.

So many men don't want to be in a long distance relationship with a lover, but are happy to be in one with their own child, and then are disappointed when that child makes a life without the parent at the centre of it.

Your DH made a decision to place his eldest child in second place to you and his subsequent DC by living so far away and barely seeing him, so he doesn't get to be disappointed that his son puts his dad in second place to his primary parent; that situation was not of the child's making.

Such a shame but please let it go and do something special after or before. Having grown up in essentially 2 families last think you want is a dispute around this. Maybe the mum said it, maybe she didn't (women always somehow end up in the firing line), but he is choosing. Ideally he shouldn't have had a choice. But I suggest you say how much you miss him and agree to create a special day/s either side.

I think the question PPs have raised about why you live so far away from them is valid. Unless there is an extremely good reason it was always bound to create a different relationship than being more local. I've heard many times - dad moves way but somehow mum is responsible for relationship not being strong with DC. Seems ridiculous. Unless of course it was the mum who moved then obviously not the issue

It says in the op that the dad is in the armed forces so presumably is stationed up North rather than choosing to live up there on a whim.

I can see why the step son doesn’t want to travel for Christmas though, it’s not a fun, relaxing Christmas break for him really.

It's still a choice to have that job @SemperIdem
It's not a choice available to single parents.

My kids refuse point blank to go to their fathers at Christmas. They go in between Christmas and new year and he comes to see them Christmas morning but they want to be with me on Christmas day. I could never force them and neither would their dad. I'm sure the boy wishes he could see both parents on the day. Maybe he could go on boxing day instead?

Don't get mad. Arrange a second Xmas.

This exactly. The dad has chosen to live far away from.his son and create anorher family. Stands to reason his so will choose to be on his own home at Christmas with the family he actually lives with.