Is it bad to compromise in a tantrum?

[123FruitBowl]

DS age 2 is very strong willed and is currently resisting doing anything he needs to do. I know normal for this age but I’m a FTM and have no idea if I’m dealing with it right.

I try to hold my boundary but I often end up finding a compromise. E.g refusing to get dressed = let him pick his T-shirt, refusing to wear a hat when it’s cold = put his hood up, refusing to come and eat dinner = bring a toy to the table. I know some people would see these things as “giving in” but I saw it as giving him some control but ultimately still doing what he needs to do. But am I teaching him that ultimately he can throw a strop when he doesn’t want to do something and will end up doing it more and more? There are some things I obviously say no to like anything dangerous, if we don’t have time to do something etc. and if he gets upset I name the feeling and comfort him.

Am I doing it right or am I creating a problem? Does anyone have any other useful tips for navigating a tantrum?

I'm sure lots of posters will arrive in a minute to tell you to be firm and not give in. But, like you, I always tried to compromise with toddler DD unless it was a matter of safety. Most of the things she wanted to do were not unsafe and by compromising and trying to say yes to her I had a peaceful home and happy child. She's 8 now and one of the best behaved children around and we have a lovely relationship.

@123FruitBowl It’s so tricky when they get to that age 😅
I’m also a FTM and only have 1 DC (now 4yo) so I’m certainly no expert!! I quickly found that allowing DS to have some control over things and giving plenty of warning about a change of activity helped reduce tantrums considerably. I didn’t love the idea of giving options after him kicking off because that felt like I was teaching him to kick off and he’d get his own way so I tried to give options right at the start to prevent it getting to that stage.

Eg, he’s playing and we need to get dressed and go out -
“5 more minutes then mummy needs you to get dressed so we can go to the shops. Would you like your red or blue jumper today?” then “ok, 2 more minutes and then we’ll get dressed. It’s very cold so we’ll need a hat. Would you like gloves too?” etc.

I also found that turning things into a bit of a game helped at that stage. DS liked getting everyone cutlery for the table or getting everyone’s shoes out of the shoe rack etc.

Naturally, he still had plenty of tantrums but I think giving choices is actually healthy for their development and it definitely reduced the chaos for us 😊

You are overthinking, compromise using an important skill.

I would avoid the tantrum entirely, preempt the issue and offer the solution before you make the request.

"Hi Tommy, it's time to get dressed now which trousers do you want to wear the red or the blue?"

"Tommy it's time for breakfast now, bring Bob the Builder with you and he can watch you eat".....

Also teach him signing, it massively reduces frustration whilst his ability to communicate verbally is limited.

Make things a game, but some sand timers of different lengths or use an online one so he can visually see how much time is left and turn things into a competition against you or the clock.

Definitely it’s good to pre empt a tantrum and I think offering choices is a solid tactic! So if they’re saying they don’t want to get dressed then absolutely offer a choice. If they go for it then success because they’re dressed which is what you wanted and you avoided the tantrum. So win win. But once they’ve descended into a full blown tantrum so shouting, crying, kicking etc. then IMO there’s no reasoning with that and it’s behaviour you don’t want to encourage. So I’d either ignore until they’d calmed down if we had time to spare or wrestle them into whatever if we were running late for nursery/work and needed to get going. Neither of my kids tantrummed much so I think it worked for them as they cottoned quickly it was better to take the choice being offered!

You're doing it perfectly, if at the end of the tantrum he is dressed or the other end result you need and he's had a bit of agency in it then all the better. He's testing boundaries as toddlers developmentally should.

An example is my nephew refusing to wear his coat in the park as an afternoon got cooler, so his uncle said hooray let's all wear our coats, we out ours on and he then giggling had his put on, he was pleased we were all matching, he hadn't got his "way" as toddlers don't think like that but he was warm and it made a game of it. Its more creative and gets better results than just do it, where can you go from there really?

I would call this giving him the illusion of choice rather than compromise. Ie you let him pick the tshirt, but he still gets dressed as you wanted. He doesn't want a hat, but he'll put his hood up so his ears don't get cold like you wanted. Kids need a certain amount of control and choice, and I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're doing

I try to he careful with my language so I can compromise e.g. instead of saying 'it's cold, you must wear your hat' I might say 'it's cold today, let's get ready'. Then when they kick off about the hat, I have options e.g. put your hood up, take your hat in the bag. Or like a PP says, give a choice first to reduce the likelihood of a tantrum e.g. 'it's cold today, what shall we wear? Hat or hood?'

Tantrums are about control. You are giving a bit of control over the situation therefore stopping it from being a full blown issue. It’s very good parenting!! Keep it up.

I wouldnt call that giving in. Why shouldnt he put his hood up if he doesnt want a hat? I think teaching them that you will listen to their point of view is more imporrant than teaching them what you say goes.

I constantly comprised, and also tried to avoid situations where I knew my daughter would dig her heels in. I learnt that some kids are just exceptionally strong willed and it’s better to turn things into a negotiation and meet in the middle. A lot of parenting advice just doesn’t work for these type of kids and if anything they see through the parenting techniques you’re using and it winds them up more.

those three examples are not giving in at all they are excellent ways to encourage and get what you want
personally I really chose my battles , if they won’t put coat on cold won’t hurt them I just bring the coat with me and offer it later

I don’t force food
more annoying is getting them to wee when if they don’t you know they will need a wee on the road

my son is currently refusing to sit in his car seat seat belt which is melting my head

Thanks everyone. All good advice about preempting tantrums and I do try to give lots of warnings, which used to help. But he seems to have cottoned on now so it’s not a reliable tactic. It sometimes helps, it depends on his mood!

@Pumpkinseason3 @Singleandproud If I’ve given the choices at the start of the task to prevent a tantrum, but it doesn’t work and he still resists, what do you do then? E.g “it’s very cold outside so we need to keep our head warm, would you like your hat or your hood?” And he just shouts “no!” and runs away. How would you navigate that? Stick his hat on kicking and screaming?

The other day he didn’t want to wear his warm coat, he wanted his thin raincoat but it was 1 degrees outside so I ended up trying to force it on him, whilst validating his anger and explaining why, but he kept flinging himself to the floor so I literally couldn’t get it on. So I said no coat means we can’t go to the park so he just shouted “stay home!” So we stayed home and I was seething and felt rubbish for not leaving the house.

His language is very good so he’s good at communicating what he wants/doesn’t want.

Tantrums are not the child attempting to manipulate us, they are expressions of overwhelming (for the child) emotions.

what’s wrong with bringing a toy to
the table? Putting a hood up is almost as good as a hat.

we want to bring up children to make their own decisions, surely we start with the little ones - hat or hood?

For me all those things are fine to offer, but I'd avoid making the offer mid-tantrum, as a toddler will pick up on the course and effect of "If I scream, I get a better deal. I should scream more often to see what else I'm given"

Instead I'd just offer the things from the start in situations where you think it will help avoidthe tantrum from starting eg "it's time to get dressed, do you want to pick a T-shirt?" Or " can you pick one toy to bring and come sit down for dinner"

I would take him out without him wearing it, for hats and gloves etc after a couple of minutes of being outside Id say "ooh your ears look blue, shall we pop your hat on". If he is otherwise dressed appropriately then I wouldn't worry, if he might get damp I'd chuck a change of clothes in my bag for when we arrived at the venue.

For the raincoat scenario I would have layered up under the coat, and / or taken the other coat with me to put on when he realises he made a poor decision. If he is going to the park he'll be running around so won't be cold.

I would say 'ok, but you'll be cold' and take the hat or whatever out with us so it's available when he wants it

For me all those things are fine to offer, but I'd avoid making the offer mid-tantrum, as a toddler will pick up on the course and effect of "If I scream, I get a better deal. I should scream more often to see what else I'm given"

This.

Compromise is great, but it's more giving in/bribing than compromise when one person is holding the other hostage with a screaming tantrum.

Where possible I would wait for the tantrum to pass and then discuss the options. Always explaining that he can use his words to get what he needs. I wouldn't begin negotiations with someone who is screaming at me.

Of course you can compromise. "One of my jobs as your mummy is to keep you warm. I'd like you to wear a hat but you can choose which one, or wear your hood up instead to keep cosy."

I try to treat my child with respect and solve problems together. He doesn't tantrum but he's 3 and he gets upset about things. This morning he didn't want to go to nursery as he'd just had an idea to build a Duplo house but had run out of time. It was time to leave.

I explained that we had to go to nursery now but helped him bring the basket of Duplo out and set up some trucks next to it, ready for the big construction site project as soon as he gets home. He left, happy in the knowledge that it was all there waiting for him when he gets home.

I work on the basis of does it hurt me? Doesn't want socks on - his feet that are going to hurt not mine.
Doesn't want a jumper on - fine he is the one that is going to get cold. I will bring a jumper with me and then they can ask for it later.

I do have my non negotiables which includes brushing teeth - I have sat on my child to brush his teeth. Thankfully those days are behind me for one child and dreading those days with child number 2

Not at all a bad thing to teach compromise.

The trick though is to get there before the tantrum!
More example "we need to get dressed to go to X - what t shirt are you choosing today" you can limit choices or let them choose.

You're absolutely right that an element of feeling like they have control and autonomy is the key to stopping tantrums.

I'd probably tantrum if someone tried to control my every decision 😂

I agree with others that compromise is good, but not mid-tantrum. Children learn very quickly that they're getting a better deal if the scream or throw themselves onto the floor! Also bear in mind, yes he's only 2 but when he starts school, there will be things he's expected to do - there won't be a compromise or a different offer on the table to the rest of the class. Children do need to learn, that they can't have everything they want, and sometimes they will have no choice but to do things they don't want.

... right oh.