Is it bad to compromise in a tantrum?

[123FruitBowl]

DS age 2 is very strong willed and is currently resisting doing anything he needs to do. I know normal for this age but I’m a FTM and have no idea if I’m dealing with it right.

I try to hold my boundary but I often end up finding a compromise. E.g refusing to get dressed = let him pick his T-shirt, refusing to wear a hat when it’s cold = put his hood up, refusing to come and eat dinner = bring a toy to the table. I know some people would see these things as “giving in” but I saw it as giving him some control but ultimately still doing what he needs to do. But am I teaching him that ultimately he can throw a strop when he doesn’t want to do something and will end up doing it more and more? There are some things I obviously say no to like anything dangerous, if we don’t have time to do something etc. and if he gets upset I name the feeling and comfort him.

Am I doing it right or am I creating a problem? Does anyone have any other useful tips for navigating a tantrum?

Hen, wtf are you on? I'm going to keep reporting these absolutely insane posts.

It sounds like you're doing a good job OP. Everyone deals with tantrums differently, so with the jacket example, I'd have let my DC go out without a jacket. They feel the cold within a minute and then put it on willingly. I don't think it's wrong to say 'right, we're not going to the park if you're not putting your jacket on' but you are also punishing yourself that way and imo, being a mum is hard enough anyway!

With the other examples you mentioned, I would have done exactly the same, because ultimately, you are getting him to do what he needs to do.

sounds as though you are doing fine. So maybe now instead of "put on a hat" and risking a tantrum, if you're ok with the hood up anyway, just ask right away "do you want your hat or the hood?"

Sometimes it can be hard to predict the tantrums though, right? One day he’ll do something perfectly fine and then the next, it’s totally unacceptable and ends in meltdown. Toddlers make no sense!

So if you didn’t preempt the tantrum, what do you do mid-tantrum to get them to put their hat on/coat on/come and eat dinner etc?

You can't reason with tantruming toddler. You just have to try help them regulate. If there is something they are regularly tantruming about get some visuals in place E. G. Visuals up by the door of what we wear when we go out so you can say, have a look at the pictures, have you got everything? Social stories are helpful too.

I don't do anything. If he's getting in a tizz about something and dinner is out I say "we're going to eat dinner now, yours is on the table when you're ready" and walk away and carry on with eating our own dinner. He comes pretty quick.

If I was adamant he is going to be wearing his hat (a more serious non-negotiable might be helmet for riding his bike) I just let him be upset and when he's calmed down repeat that we have to do X or we can't do Y. I remind him it's his choice if he doesn't want to do X, but then Y won't be happening.

In both examples it's no skin off my nose if he doesn't eat his dinner or put his helmet on. The end result is a banana before bed and no going out on his bike 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think if you give and take with them as much as possible and aren't constantly saying no all the time, then the times you do have to say no don't sting so much. My son knows (in his own 3 year old way) that we are reasonable with him with most things. We don't come into everything with a "because I said so" attitude. I think it's for this reason that he doesn't tantrum, and any upsets are short lived.

It seems obvious to us that you’ll be cold without a coat but if they haven’t actually experienced that for themselves by virtue of going out without said coat and feeling it for themselves then it’s a totally abstract concept. I’ve let mine leave the house without coats before, carried it and if it was actually cold (not that in between weather where it’s really personal preference) then it was on by the time we reached the end of the road because they’d seen sense and asked for it.

IDK where you live but a hat isn’t something I’d even suggest to mine in London, mostly we consider them ski wear and then they’re happy to wear them because it’s obviously very cold in the mountains! Do they really need it where you are i.e. is everyone adult and child you see when you leave the house wearing one because it’s genuinely that cold? If you can let it go I would tbh.

Dinner- they get told calmly it’s waiting for them at the table when they’re ready. Then ignore. Doesn’t usually take long when they’re realise the tantrum is not getting attention.

Compromise is vital. And for me, so is sometimes saying "Actually, this isn't that important, I've changed my mind,you can have another biscuit."

I find it beneficial to plan my compromises in advance and just request that in the first place and try to extend up to what I really want.

So if my compromise would usually be that he eats half his food, I'd just serve the half portion in the first place. Then we can all feel good about him eating that, and we can encourage him to extend himself and eat more after but it's low pressure. That way we avoid a battle of wills and he doesn't think "I made a fuss and got my way in the end" either.

Same with things like clothing choices etc. I offer the compromise, he accepts it and then anything else is a bonus that feels positive for all of us.

It all sounds ok to be honest. It might not be perfect parenting, but mine frequently isnt perfect and my kids seem to be mostly ok so far!

As others have said, it's better to avoid a tantrum than to seem to back down, so offer choices as early as possible. Let them have some choice and don't offer it if you won't want to follow through.

Let them live the consequences rather than always telling them. They don't want a coat for the park? Fine. They won't freeze to death. Take one (or even a choice of two if that's practical) and see if they want it while they're there. Or layer them up with a couple of jumpers if they prefer that. If you tell them they can't go to the park of that won't wear one, then you have to be ok with them making that choice.

Something like wear a coat I'll happily just take it along and see if they need it.

Children tantrum because they get overwhelmed and can't communicate need or feel they need to be in control.

Role modelling a calm clear communication is excellent. You are showing your child how to get their needs met in a calm manner.

Obviously somethings have to be non negotiable and that's good too for him to learn he can't have everything.

A balance is the best way there's absolutely no reason to put your foot down for the sake of authority.