Don’t want my baby to be pass-the-parcel at Christmas… any tips for assertive phrases?

[LittleRedTealight]

My DS is the first grandchild for my parents and ILs. We’re spending Christmas day with my side and boxing day with DH’s. So far every time we’ve seen family, DS gets passed around to everyone (my extended family includes great aunts/uncles/grandparents, and DH is one of four siblings, plus partners) for cuddles.

It’s lovely that everyone is excited (as I posted on my other thread about being invisible since he was born, which I guess is part of the same issue), but AIBU to want to hold my baby at Christmas? I know it’s weeks away but it’s already on my mind after Sunday lunch with the ILs where nobody leaves DS the f* alone, and they were all round yesterday passing him around so I’ve had it all weekend and I’m done. Some of them are lovely about it and ask if it’s ok to hold him/if I want him back, which I really appreciate, but I don’t want to spend my Christmas/boxing days (his first) watching my baby be passed from pillar to post.

Today he was crying and I was waiting for him to be passed back and he wasn’t, he was getting so distressed that I could feel myself getting worked up too, and looking around the room, nobody else cared? I stood up and took him back in the end.

Please help a chronically shy/people pleasing PFB mum be a bit more assertive?

TIA x

How old is he? I just wore mine in the sling when he was small and I didn't want him passed around.

Just go get him and say something firm but breezy? “Come here, baby. I missed you too!” “Time for milk! Come to mummy!” “Aww he’s ready to come back to mummy now!”. I totally get how you feel OP, your instincts are telling you to keep baby close as much as his are telling him to stay close to you! And yes to a sling, godsend! Good luck and hope you have a lovely first Christmas as a mum!

I tried polite euphemisms and ended up defaulting to "right, give him back now please!". MIL has skin thicker than rhino hide and one of us was going to get pushed around 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sling, 100%!

I have never seen people try to hang onto a crying baby when the mother is there

Today he was crying and I was waiting for him to be passed back and he wasn’t, he was getting so distressed that I could feel myself getting worked up too, and looking around the room, nobody else cared? I stood up and took him back in the end.

Are they nice generally?

To be charitable, I think some people don't want it to come across as if they're just chucking the baby back as soon as it cries. They don't want it to seem like they only want a nice happy/asleep baby, and they'll get rid and pass back to mum for anything difficult. I'm not saying that's reasonable, but I think it's how some people think.

I'd just stand up and take him back like you did, but do it sooner.

I totally get this. I was assertive about not passing DS round and I still get this cast up to me 14 years later, even by people who are not relatives. Even outside family gatherings, this was a problem. For some reason, DS was a magnet as a baby and even really quite peculiar strangers iin the street would try to grab him out of my hand or kiss his face. Unbelievable stressful when I was trying to behave with quiet dignity and dealing with crippling sleep deprivation.

Why did you look around the room? As soon as you see your baby getting fed up you take him back. Immediately. Plus, set a limit (in your head). Everyone can hold cuddle the baby for half an hour then he comes back to you, whether he's fussing or not.

Really? It definitely happens.

Use it to your advantage - hand baby over to someone when you want to eat your Christmas lunch!

This is definitely a thing. I think people think it’s for your benefit as in they’re showing positive attention to the baby and giving you a bit of a break, maybe. I remember always being pressured by other family members to take a turn holding any family baby when I was younger and not having dc myself I found it so awkward and a bit scary and couldn’t wait to hand them back but didn’t want to appear rude. I would go for a sling and if you don’t want to be too direct just say he has been a bit unsettled and you don’t want him to cry with the fuss etc.

I echo what others have said about a sling. I wish I’d done this. Last Christmas my baby was a few weeks old and it became like pass the parcel. My partner passed her round to every single one of our friends so that they could all have a hold, and photos with the baby. I hated it. Sling all the way, I’ll be doing that next time and won’t be apologising for it.

All I have to contribute to this is that my DC are grown up now and I bloody love it if someone hands me a baby.

Definitely a sling. And you know baby best; just take baby back and if you struggle to think of an assertive but direct phrase then just go with a tried and tested, 'time to sleep (put baby in sling) or time for milk and put baby in sling and disappear to make a bottle/breastfeed.
But definitely a sling. If you do want someone to hold your baby that's fine too, but don't let anyone hold your crying baby for anything longer than a tiny whine "oh baby's not happy, maybe he needs milk'

Me neither - can’t hand ‘em back quick enough when they start crying in my experience 😂

A sling made all the difference for me. Didn’t need to say a word.

I bloody love it if someone offers to hold my baby 😂

Honestly I loved it and meant i could devote 100% to my other child.

By my third I got so fed up of it I started saying ‘oh if I hear him cry I’ll start leaking milk all over the place oh dear!! Better have him back’
this made my in laws absolutely squirm - especially when sitting on their immaculate sofa!
worth a go if you’re breastfeeding

I tend to take control of the situation by saying ‘right who wants to hold a baby!’ when he is happy and content so they know I want them to be able to build a relationship with my baby and then if he grumbles say ‘oh dear, I think he’s hungry/sleepy/grumpy’ and take him back. I find it’s better to let him be passed around when I choose rather than shut it down.

Thank you all so much, this is super helpful. I don’t want to be a grinch and I love that my ILs love him (my side are trickier, unfortunately), but I do want to see my DS on his first Christmas and for him not to get distressed or overwhelmed by being handed around. Thank you!

Tell them you’re being careful around cold / flu season.

My baby was admitted to hospital at age 6 weeks a month ago with bronchilitis and tested positive for RSV so I have an excellent excuse.

The HV advised that a lot of people touching your baby and not washing / sanitising hands regularly is the most common way to pass it on. Unfortunately a lot of people have poor hand hygiene.

Really not worth it. My politeness has gone out of the window after seeing my baby with a feeding tube and on high flow oxygen. I wasn’t as assertive with my first and I regret it.

Definitely a sling or wrap. This will give you total control and is the best thing for the baby being close to you too.

Be careful what you wish for.In 2 or 3 years you might be grateful for your extended family's good will and understanding

OP won’t be grateful if her child gets ill because relatives have passed them round like a doll.

there’s plenty of time to make up interacting with them, especially when they’re older and can walk and talk (and they have a stronger immune system).

a baby can’t do much anyway there’s really no need for them to be passed around beyond their parents unless help is needed.