Don’t want my baby to be pass-the-parcel at Christmas… any tips for assertive phrases?

[LittleRedTealight]

My DS is the first grandchild for my parents and ILs. We’re spending Christmas day with my side and boxing day with DH’s. So far every time we’ve seen family, DS gets passed around to everyone (my extended family includes great aunts/uncles/grandparents, and DH is one of four siblings, plus partners) for cuddles.

It’s lovely that everyone is excited (as I posted on my other thread about being invisible since he was born, which I guess is part of the same issue), but AIBU to want to hold my baby at Christmas? I know it’s weeks away but it’s already on my mind after Sunday lunch with the ILs where nobody leaves DS the f* alone, and they were all round yesterday passing him around so I’ve had it all weekend and I’m done. Some of them are lovely about it and ask if it’s ok to hold him/if I want him back, which I really appreciate, but I don’t want to spend my Christmas/boxing days (his first) watching my baby be passed from pillar to post.

Today he was crying and I was waiting for him to be passed back and he wasn’t, he was getting so distressed that I could feel myself getting worked up too, and looking around the room, nobody else cared? I stood up and took him back in the end.

Please help a chronically shy/people pleasing PFB mum be a bit more assertive?

TIA x

Yep this. It's always the same. 'We need to be a special family bubble and no one other than us is to touch the new messiah'

2 years later

DH and I have no baby sitters, no one is interested in baby Jesus and we have no couple time. Help

God I got rid of mine as much as possible when they were little. Obviously if they were really upset but if just griping then more than happy!

Step in earlier, as soon as he cries.

I found that it's easier to let everyone have their cuddle and get it over and done with. No one wants to hang on to a roasty toastie baby for long and as soon as baby starts to cry, just take them back.

The novelty will wear off very quickly especially once food and snacks are offered.

Remember your/DH's family love the baby almost as much as you do.

I remember our friends had their baby when we were all very young. I was cuddling their little one and the dad came and scooped her up and said ‘need my baby back!’ in a nice way.

I genuinely had no idea, I assumed they would be tired and glad to have someone else hold the baby .

now I have three adult DC I know so differently of course. Yes parents are tired - ie wash up then go home, don’t think I’m helping by hogging the baby cuddles!

best approach is to just stand up, move across and reach for baby, quickly and confidently, whilst saying’aww, thanks for cuddle time everyone!’. Don’t ask and don’t wait, then quickly do something else or change the conversation so no one challenges you. Good luck!

Just walk in with "Right, it's time for his feed/nap/nappy change" - it doesn't matter if you don't follow a routine really, lots of people do, so it won't come across as strange for you to say this. Gives you an excuse to take him into another room if you want a bit of a break from the family as well.

Or pretend you can see a sign "Ah he always does that when he's tired/hungry, let me take him back"

Also walking towards him with your arms outstretched is a clear message if you don't want to ask. If he is crying, then I would definitely go up to the person and say "Oh give him here then" or "Come to Mummy" or something if they didn't automatically start to hand him back over. (I assume he's too little to reach back!)

I agree that it's lovely for relatives to develop that bond and relationship with baby holding and I do actually think that is valuable. But at the same time if you're sitting there feeling anxious while he's crying and looking all around the room it might be there is a bit of a body language mismatch so they're not really clocking the fact you would like to have him back now.

I think if I was one of the relatives, I would expect you to stand up and take the baby back if you wanted him back, and if you didn’t, I’d assume you wanted someone else to carry on holding him. So yes as soon as you hear him fussing and want him back, just go over and take him back and say something innocuous, I think that’s what people would expect you to do. They probably feel like they’re failing if they offer him back before you make it clear you want him.

Or if all seated, reaching towards the person holding him works too.

I agree with this.

It's lovely that they love your baby. Let them have their cuddles, and then when he starts to grumble just stand up and say with a laugh "OK DS, I know my break is over, this bit's mummy's job eh?" or the like.

I’m going to read these comments for myself because I totally feel your pain. With my first, my family were fine and I’d told them I’d had a section, didn’t want the house full of visitors every 5 minutes so they popped in and out, took our washings etc.

The in-laws came for 3-4 hours at a time, frantically rocking him and passing him back and forwards between them. He needed fed and we were doing a combination of bottle feeding with formula and expressed milk. My boobs were hurting but I was too self conscious to start pumping while they were there. At one point I got him a bottle of formula and FIL demanded I passed it to him to feed him. I felt so uncomfortable about saying I’d rather feed him. I had already asked for him back and been ignored. They made a dig or a snide joke about every single thing. He phoned my sister in law to ask if they wanted to come round about 2 hours into the visit like we were hosting some sort of open house event. It happened twice within the first week and to this day one of my biggest regrets is not just politely saying ‘we’re tired now, it was lovely seeing you’ and taking him upstairs. They hardly ever see the grandkids now and I massively regret putting myself through all that stress, physical pain and just sheer panic when I should have been resting and enjoying my baby. With our second child I could feel the anxiety rising waiting on them coming for the first visit. They were less interested second time so it died down quicker but omg I’m still scarred by it 🙈

We were at a family party recently where a relative brought her brand new baby. As much as I would love to have held him I wouldn’t dream of it in case it caused her even a fraction of the anxiety I had felt! I watched her face as he was repeatedly passed round the kitchen (by my in-laws and other family) like a sack of potatoes and could have cried for her 😭 I heard her try a couple of times to make a slight joke to hint at wanting him back but they just ignored she existed. I couldn’t do anything to help but felt awful for her

I think some people don't want it to come across as if they're just chucking the baby back as soon as it cries. They don't want it to seem like they only want a nice happy/asleep baby, and they'll get rid and pass back to mum for anything difficult.

This.
With my firstborn, those people that wanted a cuddle when baby was being smiley or sleepy snuggly, but as soon as any work was needed, handed him back to me made me really cross.

Sorry, OP, I know that wasn't what you asked, but just picking up on what a pp said.

but I do want to see my DS on his first Christmas

Why would you not see him on Christmas?

I would stay at home with him Xmas eve night and have Xmas morning together before seeing family and then let them have as many cuddles as he’s comfortable with.

Its fine for babies to cry whilst others are holding them (this is usually when mothers desperately want someone else to hold them so they can eat, pee etc) but if you think he’s getting distressed just walk over and say oh dear he’s a bit grumpy today and start taking him off them, whilst saying you’ll see if he needs feeding or something.

Most people will not get the hint or think they’re doing you a favour by keeping hold of him and so you need to physically start taking him off them whilst you’re saying it.

I do think you’re being a bit precious though.
Yes he’s your baby but I assume you have 24/7 with him and most people would love the fact that so many other people want to hold him and love him.

He is going to absolutely love it.

What would be a lovely idea is if you took a photo of them each holding him.
That way he will have the memories of who was there for his first Xmas but you can have the excuse of passing him to your DH for a photo of them both/asking someone to take a photo of all 3 of you.

Make sure you tell your DH how you feel and perhaps come up with a word to say when you’re feeling uncomfortable and then he can also step in.

Me too!!