Do you take "collective responsibility" for actions concerning your children?

[UnquietDad]

OK, this is going to be a bit vague, for which I'm sorry, but...

Do you, where there are two parents, buy into a collective responsibility idea?

i.e. if something is done by Parent A which Parent B doesn't approve of and Parent B would have done in a TOTALLY different way - do you back each other to the hilt in public and only have it out in private?

Or do you say to friends, family, teachers etc. "actually that was B's decision, I didn't want to do that but (s)he wouldn't listen?" Or is that unasseptable (sic) and totally disloyal?

x post sorry

Your collective responsibility as parents now is to move on from the drama

Both of you must now stop being Drama Queens for your dc's sakes

We haven't agreed on a future course of action yet, no.

Have you acknowledged to her that you overstepped the mark with the Head?

Agree with Cammelia

Whether or not dw is furious UQD is still going over it all on here. Pointless. You disagreed, you were both wrong. It's as big an issue as you want it to me.

Buy a bottle of wine to share and say 'let's forget it'.

from the outside from where its so much easier to comment I think you may just have to back down on this issue and say sorry for going to the head

I am not saying this because I agree with her mearly because it could blow up into something much more destructive and become a catalyst for future disagreement

Neither of us has explicitly said we were wrong. I may feel I was, and may even say so, but I get the feeling that she still doesn't. This makes it very difficult to move on. She genuinely believes she was right to keep them off school and would do it again.

Its a marital disagreement UQD, we all have them, then life gets in the way again and its not important.

I really think you need to explicitly say it. Especially as you do actually think it. Otherwise you are going nowhere.

Well you're not going to change her mind. So buy a bottle of wine and sit down and watch Chinese school together or something.

There doesn't have to be a resolution to everything or an analysis of who was right or wrong. You were both wrong. You'll both be wrong again one day. No-one has been hurt and nothing major has happened.

And if she thinks she's right, well fine. It's not a situation where there is a 100% right/wrong answer. You can still live together and disagree on whether the children should have been kept off or not.

UQD - The thing is she wasn't wrong - she believes something you don't. Women fought hard to have an independent political voice.

I think the unfortunate thing is that, until you spoke to the Head, you had the moral high ground. Now, presumably, you are feeling the unfair double whammy of having to admit you were wrong while feeling that she has got away with being Even Wronger.

But weighing up comparative wrongness really isn't a good recipe - so I agree with the bottle of wine & water under bridge recommendation.

And if the attendance officer turns up, make sure she deals with them.

Agree with Swedes. Why is it so important that she admits she was 'wrong'? She obviously had strong views in the first place, so she is going to think she was right. In her mind she was/is. You don't agree.

You can move on whilst disagreeing.

Completely agree with Bink.

Wrap it up. Move on.

It will occasionally bubble up - this thread has reminded me of when DH bought a car on ebay despite us specifically agreeing not to do so (grrrr)- but stand-offs happen when two people with their own minds are in partnership. It's inevitable.

Move on.

Sorry to harp on, but I think there is a key point being missed.

I think all these comparable examples are interesting, but not comparing like with like.

Sure, people buying a Nintendo DS, buying a car etc. are being bloody irritating by doing so if the other half has expressed a strong desire not to. But that's different from doing something against not only your partner's wishes but also the force of the law - isn't it? And thereby putting your partner in the position of appearing to consent to something unless they specifically take the step of distancing themselves from it?

Imagine if your DH/DP was driving the family car without tax, or had drugs hidden in the house, or fiddled their tax return. Could you present a unified front and say that you, as a couple, agreed to this - or would you want to make it clear that you washed your hands of it?

It's legally wrong not to send your children to school when the school is open. That's not just my opinion. We are not disagreeing about whether "Desperate Housewives" is a good programme or not, or whether DD should do her homework before or after bath - we can do that without falling out.

The sticking-point is that, while what I did may not have been the best move, it wasn't wrong in the same way.

Get over it UQD

I'm sure I will, but I think it's important to make clear what I will be getting over.

I get your point. I really do. My example wasn't meant to be equivalent to yours. Just an example of how, even after moving on, things can occasionally rankle.

But you are stretching your point with your other examples of illegality I think. One day's unauthorised absence isn't equivalent to those either is it? You aren't likely to be prosecuted for a start.

Driving without tax/storing drugs/fiddling tax return = fine or custodial sentence.

One day off school to make a political point = slapped wrists from Headteacher.

Not really the same.

Really if you use that sort of argument to get her to say she was wrong (which seems to be the point) she's just going to get irritated.

It doesn't matter. It's done, dusted, no-one is hurt (or doesn't need to be if you both agree to disagree).

I couldn't think of any better examples... I suppose what it boils down to is that she is less bothered by a slapped wrist from the Head than I am. I find it quite irritating. She almost seems to have enjoyed it.

Even though I find my husband difficult I am taking a position of knowing that we have to have dealings with each other for the rest of our lives in one form or another....

So these sort of situations do come up in all sorts of forms. I try to back him up instantly if he has asked the dc to do something. "Daddy has just asked you to do x, so get on with it!"

If it crosses a boundary and I think he's being unfair I try to say so instantly too. At least we each know we are. Say he wants a child to go out when I know they have had earache, I just overrule him and say no I'll stay at home with him this time because of the earache.

We both have the right to change our minds and to have a strop. Sometimes it's the only way of finding out what our own true feelings are on an issue.

I think as the children get older it is really helpful for them to see us discuss what we think is right and have different views, at least we are honest in stating our differences.

I think it's ok to tell the head you and your wife have different views re the strike day.It comes under the heading of assertiveness and honesty I think, rather than disloyalty.

Maybe smile and say at least you both agree about the uniform, homework, lunches, sats etc!

But why haven't you cited Swedes' example? right on this very thread?

As I think that is a perfect perfect case in point, where she not only swallowed the fury but took the rap and resolved the situation.