Do you take "collective responsibility" for actions concerning your children?

[UnquietDad]

OK, this is going to be a bit vague, for which I'm sorry, but...

Do you, where there are two parents, buy into a collective responsibility idea?

i.e. if something is done by Parent A which Parent B doesn't approve of and Parent B would have done in a TOTALLY different way - do you back each other to the hilt in public and only have it out in private?

Or do you say to friends, family, teachers etc. "actually that was B's decision, I didn't want to do that but (s)he wouldn't listen?" Or is that unasseptable (sic) and totally disloyal?

I think it's unfair for your dw to involve your children in this action.

What if the kids had had an exam/school trip/interesting cultural experience at school that day? Would she have punished them (effectively) by making them miss it for her beliefs?

Uriel: yes - there are 3 levels, here, on which someone could disagree with what happened.

1 - The strike itself. I supported it.

2 - Taking the children out of school to support the strike, which I had serious issues with. So did the head. Oddly, the union rep claimed to support DW, although I'd be very surprised if what he said was union policy.

3 Beyond the decision/political stance itself - the way this was steamrollered through without negotiation, which is indefensible.

UQD in the scheme of things this is not worth not getting over. Agree with Pan here.

Your continued stance will affect the children far more than a day at home with mummy and missing school did.

You have to stop for their sake primarily.

Don't be destructive to your own life.

Pan is talking much sense here UQD.

I hope you're not feeling got at UQD...

Her determination to override you on this matter is possibly symptomatic of something else. It's typical male behaviour to pick over the bones of the actual argument in hand and sort into piles of right and wrong. It's possible she's very upset/cross/impatient with you about something else entirely which has resulted in a lack of respect for your opinion. Perhaps she wants you to become an investment banker - it's not uncommon amongst militant trades unionists.

Stop making me laugh Swedes

I wouldn't say it's especially male to want to dissect arguments and divide them into right and wrong. Goodness knows, it;s the entire basis of the AIBU thread, where I've seen it done by females countless times...

(cammelia - they didn't have a day at home, they went on a demo!!)

It is true that the lack of respect for my opinion is the important thing and the one which has really rankled. I don't know why it happened - usually it's not the way we go about things at all.

(cammelia - they didn't have a day at home, they went on a demo!!)

At least they got some fresh air and exercise

I didn't realise they went on a demo. That changes things. Childhood is now so sterile and controlled. The highlight is getting Grade 5 in your SATs and getting into the school your parents wanted you to get into. Going on a demo is excellent. It's a noughties take on Esther Freud's Hideous, Kinky. It definitely should be something you now laugh about. Apologies are inappropritate. Acknowledge the comedy and try and move on. Once you have moved on you should discuss how you could have better supported her - what would she have liked you to do (given that you disagreed)? - and tell her what bits you found so maddening and hurtful. It'll stand you in good stead the next time you disagree in a difficult situation. Next time it might be something really serious - eg she wants her mother to move in because she's unwell and no longer able to cope on her own.
Male behaviour. Men also look for solutions rather than being sympatheic. I say 'I got absolutely soaked this morning walking DD to nursery. I even forgot to take the pushchair cover so the children got absolutely soaked too.' He replies: 'You should always leave the plastic cover on the pushchair or in one of the panniers of the pushchair.'

I didn't give my consent to their going on a demo, though. I might have done if I'd been asked. But I wasn't asked,. I was told. That makes a BIG difference, I think, to the way someone acts in a situation.

(That pushchair suggestion sounds eminently reasonable to me - it suggests a way of avoiding the problem next time, which is surely what you both want.)

I agree with Swedes. I didn't go on a demo until I was about 20 - should have been on one earlier.

Why does she need your consent to go on a demo? You do seem to want to be in control.

If dh started demanding that I ask permission for everything I do with the kids I'd do the opposite on purpose.

Forget the apology. You are not going to get one. You can moved on in the way Swede's suggests.

I PMSL at the pushchair comment. She didn't need a solution (I;m sure she could work that out for herself). She needed an 'oh god what a nightmare'.

Are you going to let it go? If not what are you wanting? How are you going to deal with it? (I can see 2 choices- festering stalemate vs letting it go). Once you've moved on then you can discuss future hypotheticals, but not whilst you're still sulking about deserving an apology.

sorry that was a bit blunt, but this has been going on since Monday (presumably the fight even longer). That's not healthy for any marital disagreement.

It is possible to move on without getting the apology that you want.

I thin UQD is now enjoying the attention here a leetle too much

still going then!!

other thing is that there are FAR more important things in life than being "right", or being shown to be "right" e.g. Camm's point about the little one(s).
In time to come you'll both see things differently. >

Let it go, do. To fester like this will store up trouble out of ALL proportion to the issue in the future.

I think people have rather leapt on the idea that I am into "permission" or "control", which is not the truth here at all. It's simply about consultation as opposed to railroading. The fact that I've had a lot of support on here shows I can't be entirely misguided in this.

We have had a constructive and somewhat less confrontational talk tonight, and I think everything will be fine.

Thanks to everyone for listening to me moan on here.