Invisible now the baby is here? This is probably normal, isn’t it, but it feels a bit rubbish

[LittleRedTealight]

Is it normal to become completely invisible once your baby is born, even to your own family? I’m finding this a bit frustrating, although I know it’s nice that everyone’s excited about the baby!

DS is 3 weeks old and I had a c section. I asked family for a few days to ourselves (me, DH and DS), managed a day once we were out of hospital and then started getting messages from my dad i.e. ‘so when can we meet him then?’ No ‘how are you?’, ‘are you healing ok?’ etc.

When people come to visit, they pass the baby around like a toy. My own mum and sister didn’t ask how I was post-section, just wanted baby cuddles. Mum didn’t leave the sofa all afternoon and had DH running around after her (I was too sore to move much on that particular day).

Even my MiL, who I get on really well with and has been nothing but supportive and treats me like one of her own, only really ‘sees’ the baby now. She’s seen him most days since he was born, came over for photos at 2/3 days old and then had to come back to retake them because she didn’t like them. She’s genuinely lovely and just excited, it just feels a lot at the moment.

The final straw was on a particularly rough day this week, getting a message from my dad saying that my mum would like a diary for Christmas with pictures of DS every few pages, and by the way could I send them a picture on the group chat because they hadn’t seen him that day. Didn’t ask how we were, they don’t even pretend to care. I’d had barely a couple of hours sleep, been Bfing what felt like non-stop and DS had just been crying in between.

The back story is that my parents were crap emotionally when I was growing up and my mum in particular only cares about herself and her own feelings. Dad backs her to the hilt for an easy life. It’s so draining.

Is this normal? Am I justified in feeling frustrated or is it hormones? Totally ok with being told I’m overreacting (I cry just at songs on the radio at the moment, so well aware I might be being oversensitive!)

Awww I’m sorry. It’s not normal but it often happens iyswim, but it’s very rude.

i had my first 29 years ago and I remember sitting on an upright chair in my lounge whilst my self invited in-laws plus four other random relatives passed the baby round.

i would do it so differently now, though i appreciate that’s very easy to say.

my friend had a good rule - baby is always with her. So if she is in bed resting, baby is with her, and if if visitors come round they get told they can’t see either of them.

your dad is being so demanding and rude, no he doesn’t get a flipping photo diary! Would humour work? ‘Lol I can barely eat but if I get two minutes to take a photo I’ll send it if your lucky 😂😂 ‘ type thing?

put you and little one first. Is your DP supportive?

Oh you poor thing. I understand, I felt like that too. I remember crying when the midwife discharged us because she was the only one apart from dh who was asking how I was as well as the baby.

My MIL visited the hospital with flowers and a 'For baby' note adorning them. Baby was only interested in feeding and pooing and couldn't see them anyway - never said thank you to his Nan either. 😁

I had a section too OP - how are you doing? You'll feel numb there for a while.

Gosh you’re totally justified in feeling like this. Anything I needed in the first few weeks was completely ignored by everyone except my husband/sometimes my brother too. If I wanted to go out (needed help post op) it was oh no we’re happy here cuddling the baby. Everyone ate at a time to suit them when the baby was “busy” ie I was feeding them. I kicked off one day when I was yet again watching other people having a hot meal and providing the entertainment while completely starving. Kicking off did help actually not that I usually recommend being arsey but it took that to make family realise that I was drained to the max.

Best tip btw is to put out a self service tea/coffee area and everyone except you have to help themselves. Your DH should be helping you not them!

I also had an ELCS 3 weeks ago with my second and I think everyone (including me) has forgotten I've had surgery because I just don't have time to sit and rest. The house is a tip and life revolves around the baby. Eldest is carted all over the place to get him outside. I suspect I am getting more sleep than you though

No real advice, just make sure you're looking after yourself while you heal. It's going to be like this for a while, but not forever

Tell them that you are not feeling up to it and set your own boundaries. Your life, your body, your baby, your young family. If you don't speak up for you, no one else will. Tough if they think you are being unfair. You will be grateful in years to come if, and when, you will need to set even more boundaries come what may. This is a life skill they don't teach young women where many set out to be people pleasers. Ask yourself, who pleases me?!

Sorry OP only just spotted you've spectacularly crap parents. This can cause feelings to arise after you become a parent yourself when it comes home to you about how you've been parented. It did for me as I'd a similar experience.

Just breathe - tap into how you're feeling as the days and weeks go by and don't be afraid to reach out to someone, particularly if you think you need to talk over how your parents behave towards you.

You’d have thought the baby had been beamed down directly from heaven - I barely merited a thought. It settled down after a couple of months, but i absolutely can empathise.

Yes, a new baby will attract a huge amount of attention from family and friends but the interest usually wears off once they aren’t little newborns anymore and they are making messes in highchairs and crawling around everywhere! If this is your first pregnancy you normally get so much attention when pregnant, it’s all about how you’re feeling, the bump, if you’re tired etc so to have so much attention divert to the baby can seem a lot, particularly if first grandchild. I do think it’s quite normal though for the baby to achieve celebrity status for a while, and it’s nice that you have family that are keen, maybe they feel like you’re coping so well you’re doing fine so you could talk to them about how you’re feeling if you’re struggling with anything.

Also, in the kindest way possible you are probably extremely tired, your hormones are plummeting, your body is in recovery, your body clock is in pieces and you may not be eating great so they are all very valid reasons that you may be feeling more upset or overwhelmed than usual.

this is quite common but it’s awful and I don’t know how people are this insensitive, especially when it’s women that have been through it themselves

how are you doing OP?

Yes its unfortunately normal, unless you have particularly empathetic people around you.

dont forget to ask for what you need/want. MIL can you come round and take the baby for a walk while I sleep, MIL can you come round and sort the ktichen out for me and throw on a load of laundry as LO is cluster feeding today amd I a, as sore as anything from my surgery..

dont expect your DM of DF to suddenly have personality transplants just because you had a baby…it will likely make them even worse for a while as they will be in a heightened emotional state… grit your teeth and work out what your boundaries are about jumping to their tunes.

be kind to yourself, you have grown and birthed an entirely new human. You are a spectacular, creative and exhausted new mother.

also try using a dummy with LO, some babies comfort suck rather than feed. A hungry baby will reject a dummy, a sucky one will love it (you might need to keep a gentle finger on the end of it to help them keep it in their mouthes while they get used to it)

Agree it's not ok, but it often happens.

Does your DH see the issue too? Will be quietly advocate for you? If not, you need to start ignoring requests like that from your dad. I presume you have been sending him pictures? In that case he has plenty he can make a diary from himself.

And I completely get the in laws thing. I'm lucky that my parents are great, but MIL just takes the baby and sits there holding her the whole time. So I've started to keep the baby with me more. IE they pull up outside and I pick the baby up so she's in my arms. Mil isn't so rude as to take her off me. She's also bf, so I've invented that I'm having some issues BF, which means I have an excuse to take my baby away from her for a while and leave the room. When I come back, I'll then either keep hold of her or offer her to one of the other visitors I'd like to hold her.

Use those hormones to your advantage. Throw a strop!

It’s incredibly rude. I suggest losing your inhibitions and feeling free to say no to visits or demands for photos unless you actually want to do either. Now isn’t the time to please other people, you and your recovery come first so that you’re able to look after the baby.

This has been an issue with friends and family and it makes me so sad for them.
I always make an effort to remember the parents and especially mum and not just the baby. It's a special time but it's also exhausting, emotional and fucking bewildering too.

Family and especially excited grandparents can be so overbearing and intrusive which causes unnecessary bad feeling.

So if I'm visiting, I ask what's needed and if nothing I turn up with a cake or some 'cook' meals. I'll make tea because no-one should be turning up to a family with a new baby and expect to be waited on!

I've noticed people putting in much firmer boundaries with 2nd babies. Not having visitors immediately, putting time limits on etc and I can see why. My best friend had very few visitors for the first month second time round and she said it was lovely. Just her, her partner and their two kids settling in with each other and taking it easy.

Except people then get arsey about grandparents being told when they can visit, not holding the baby enough, not kissing them etc etc but fail to realise a lot of that is done because otherwise people completely overstep and cause issues.

And when people offer to help it will often be bathing the baby, feeding them, letting you sleep etc and that might be needed.

But actually what's often more useful is some

... someone doing some washing or getting some shopping or sterilizing bottles but they don't want to do that!

Yeah that happens. Dad becomes even more invisible - my husband wasn’t once asked how he was doing in the first year after baby, people just asked about baby and mum (me), even though I was doing pretty well while he suffered terribly with the chronic condition flaring up on the back of sleepless nights. He’s not the one to cry but he burst into tears when a therapist finally asked him that.

People can get a bit overexcited about babies and forget about the mum, it's true. I agree talk with your husband and let him know what's upsetting you so he can speak in your support, but also it's ok for you to say politely but firmly if something is too much or if there is something you want/need. It's ok to pull people out of their bubble of baby-regard.

Look after yourself and I hope your recovery goes well.

Thank you so much for all your replies. DS is the first grandchild on either side so understandably everyone’s very excited. They just seem to have forgotten what it was like to have a newborn at home and the massive adjustment it is. I’m actually doing ok and this is my only gripe, to be honest. Thank you to everyone who’s asked. DH is also being amazing at looking after us.

I can totally empathise with crying at being discharged from the midwife, that was me the other day! Our midwives have been so lovely and supportive and I’ll really miss them.

I think I just feel aggrieved that my family in particular see DS as a toy rather than a person, and just don’t see me as a person at all. When I got back to the ward after the c section, I let my family know DS had been born and immediately (literally seconds after I sent the message), my sister started a group family video call and then couldn’t understand why I didn’t join it. They’ve all been so inconsiderate and it’s doing my head in.

DH has just been on the phone to MIL and no joke, she’s just asked how’s DS and then how’s the dog. That’s it.

Thank you for the space to vent!

My sister has been on about the bloody diary/calendar this afternoon. I said that if mum wanted one, we’d sent her loads of pictures and she could put one together. My sister seems to have taken offence that DH and I have already planned a present for all the grandparents (all the same, because my mum will get jealous otherwise - a whole other thread), and said she will make the diary ‘from both of us’.

it’ll literally be phone photos of DS in our lounge, with me looking like crap, because he’s only been on the planet for three weeks.

AIBU to let this get to me so much? It feels so intense and nobody takes no for an answer/listens to me/cares how I feel. Thank younfor letting me vent!

Your feelings are so justified. I remember this well and, for me, the sudden feeling of going from being so 'special' being pregnant to totally invisible once baby was born was stark and very upsetting.

My parents sound much like yours. I find it helps to remember that you can break the cycle of behaviour with your own children.

Congrats on your new arrival too. Three weeks is a hard phase and it does gradually get easier over time :-)

My experience was like this with my first. My 2nd is due in January and I hope to lay down some rules- not that they’ll be listened to! People kept taking mum & baby pics first time which I asked not to do as I felt and looked like shit. “Only trying to help” is the phrase that infuriates me. Sitting on your arse expecting tea and cakes is not helping! 🤬😆

YANBU at all. I remember feeling like this.

Bear in mind though, that your body had been through a lot. You suddenly have a teeny tiny needy little thing that depends on you for everything. Literally everything. You are sleep deprived, no matter how 'ok' you think you feel.

Not saying you're wrong at all! Feel I should make that clear 😁 just that when you're feeling crappy, everything feels ten times worse.

This too shall pass.

And if they're still being inconsiderate jerks in 6 months, let her rip and let them have it x

Thank you for your posts 🙏🏼 so sorry to those of you who’ve been through similar!

I think I expected this kind of behaviour from my parents but it’s still upsetting when it actually happens.

I’ve now got a small infection in my c section wound, which I’m so frustrated about as it was healing so well, and I feel rubbish with it so have messaged to cancel my parents coming up to visit tomorrow (with my mum’s sister, who I really only see at weddings and funerals, but mum wanted her to see the baby). DS is also having his growth spurt and is feeding pretty much constantly, which I don’t feel comfortable doing in front of them, so I’d be upstairs with the baby for most of the time they were here - between that and the infection, it doesn’t seem worth them coming and I’d rather have a quiet day to deal with it by myself.

Mum’s left me on read, and my dad’s just put ‘that’s disappointing’. I’m so upset and frustrated by their responses, even though I’m not surprised. I have to put DS and my health first. Just ugh.

I got so worried about telling them I wanted to cancel, and then I thought, why am I worrying about them when they’re grown adults and can (should be able to) handle a bit of disappointment. But I think I worry about how crap it makes me feel when it’s just proven again that they only care about themselves?