I think this parent cancelled intentionally

[StressedBirthdayPartyOrganiser]

I would be interested in second opinions. My son is due to turn 3 and we have his birthday party this weekend.

Two weekends ago, a lot of parents and children from my son's nursery went to a playground following another birthday party, and apparently my son pushed another child.
My son is almost 3 and the other child is around 6 months younger (they are both in the same nursery).

This is out of character for my DS, and we are not aware of pushing as an issue with him, as there have been no reports from his nursery (who are very hot on behaviour and make parents aware of the tiniest issue).

My son actually plays more frequently with this child's older sister who is 4. Just before the incident, the smaller child, my son, the smaller child's older sister, and another bigger child were all playing with a football. They were away from the parents, but within long range view within an enclosed outdoor play area.

I was chatting to the father of smaller child and the parent of the other older child, when suddenly smaller child started crying. None of the parents had been directly looking at the time, as we were chatting.

We all went over and asked what happened, and the sister of the smaller child said that my DS had pushed the smaller child. I took the sister at her word and had strong words with my DS and forced him to apologise to the smaller child, which he did.

Now, with less than a week to go before my son's birthday party, I have just had a cancellation from that child's father, citing a clash (both the sister and the smaller child were coming).

I am pretty sure this cancellation is actually due to the unverified pushing claim. I am not sure what else I was supposed to have done beyond reprimanding my son, and I am very surprised that a parent would hold a one off against a not yet 3 year old.

I am very disheartened by this, as my son really enjoys playing with the older sister and I was previously on good terms with the father (for example, I passed my son's first balance bike on to the smaller child once my son had outgrown it.)

This is my first and only child so can other mumsnetters let me know if this is a standard reaction from other parents?

You’re utterly overthinking this. I’d take it at face value - you’ll never really know anyway, so why assume the worst?

Maybe it is maybe it isn't. No way of knowing and it doesn't matter anyway

Let it go.

It might be a clash, it might be because they overreact to the push (although so have you, calling it “unverified”). Ultimately it doesn’t matter. They aren’t coming to the birthday party.

It’s not a big deal; there presumably will be plenty of others there. Unless you make a fuss over it your son won’t even notice.

My advice for parenting is to not look for more hassle than is necessary. There’s enough of it in life as it is without second guessing in the search for more.

It might just be a clash.

Or it might be they don’t want your DS pushing their child and feel the relationship needs space while he develops through that phase.

If the latter, they are right to prioritise their own child’s needs over yours, and seem to have tried to do so in a diplomatic way.

You need to chill out. Massively.

Kids push, it happens. You know what else happens sometimes? People have diary clashes and have to cancel their attendance at kids parties.

Get a grip!

I would just leave it.

There is a good chance that he's cancelling because it's his belief that your child pushed his.

There is a smaller chance (although still significant) that it really is a clash.

Either way, it's best to just get on with life. There's nothing that can be done and it's not unreasonable not to go to the party of a child who's pushed yours.

It’s possible that the younger boy does not want to play with your son now, at least for a while. Which is understandable and fine.

the parents have not brought it up and are being, as pp said, very diplomatic here, so I don’t think there’s anything you can do.

its right that they put their child first.

This isn’t worth the headspace. I don’t think most people would think twice about either the playground incident or the party cancellation. What does it matter either way? The kids involved in the pushing incident are TWO years old!

The reality is that children are going to fall out, they are going to argue and they'll tell tales. My advice is not to stew on any of it (and yes I know that takes practice). Some people will get on well with your child and some will not.

You will find that friendships you thought you had with other parents will depend on how your children are getting on with each other.

If their kid is missing out on a party then so be it, your child is unlikely to notice, he certainly won't take offence.

It'll all soon blow over and other friendships strengthen.

Honestly, you're in for years of all this, let it go or you will have a miserable time taking everything to heart.

I doubt they are cancelling because of the incident.

Yes, it very well could be and that’s perfectly okay. It could be the parent said that next week we’re going to x’s party and the child got upset and said they didn’t want to go. That’s okay. I’ve cancelled playdates before because my child said that a particular friend was unkind to them at at last playdate and they didn’t want to go to their house again. It happens.

There are parents who are happy to let their kids pull out of parties and playdates last minute on the whims of the child, so even if this is what has happened it is a win for you. These types of parents are a total ball ache longer term and you don't want your child left hanging while little X decides if they think it's too cold, they don't like their wellies, they might be hungry, they might prefer to play video games....

You are probably over thinking it and over committing to nursery relationships, I hope you have a lovely party.

Your DS isn’t even 3 yet. Pushing is really normal with this age group. Not to say you don’t tell them off when you see it and watch them like a hawk around smaller kids they might hurt but developmentally it’s pretty standard stuff. I would bet on it happening at nursery too and they just correct the behaviour and don’t even mention it to parents. Hell pushing in the lunch line or waiting to get on the school bus is an issue in my 7YOs class 🤣 I doubt the other family thought anything of it, especially if they also have an older child so are well used to the behaviour norms of young kids. I’m sure the clash is a genuine thing or maybe they just got a better offer. No way have they cancelled because of a playground push between a pair of toddlers that no one even saw!

Amen to this. Getting worked up and ruminating over stuff like this will only end up in spirals of negative thinking and anxiety.

You'll likely never know- maybe the child said they didnt want to go any more, no big deal. Kids fall out frequently at this age.

Honestly,you’re completely overthinking this.

They may not want their kids to come after being pushed, that’s a possibility.

Or they’re busy and they double booked themselves…which you will discover is very very normal

It's possible they cancelled because their child said they didn't want to go having been pushed by your child. It's not the end of the world and I would let it go. These things happen with small children and it's best not to make a big deal of it.

If they have cancelled for this reason it’s on them, not you. Children can be pushy. As they have children themselves I’m sure they are aware of this! Don’t over think it

High chance you’re overthinking it. If they have an older child they’ll be so accustomed to these scuffles it won’t even be on their radar. I deal with these things in the moment and move on. Too many of these incidences happen to keep track of when you have young kids.

Welcome to the real world, yr child pushed another child and his parents don’t want their child near yrs, very normal.

You're being overly harsh.

Normal folk check their calendar to check if there's a clash before accepting an invitation. Or normal folk (with decency) do not cancel if a later invitation is received. Basic manners.

OK, so this thread has left me none the wiser. Half the responses say I am overthinking it and there is no way that they'd cancel over the one off incident, but the other half seem to think it's natural to keep your child away after an isolated pushing incident.

There have been occasions when other children have pushed or thrown things at my DS at playgrounds, parties and soft-play in the past, and I haven't thought anything of it, other than that the child on question must have been overly tired and acting up.

I would only be keeping my DS away from a child, if it became clear that the child was repeatedly targeting him, or where the parents seemed to do nothing in terms of correcting bad behaviour. I wanted to know whether other parents generally felt this way, or whether there were some that had a one strike and you're out mindset. As I said, if responses here are anything to go by, a single push seems enough for some parents to keep their child away.

In terms of what happened, all I could get out of my DS was that he really wanted the ball at the time. He was extremely upset and realised that he'd screwed up, so I think it may have been more a case of him charging for the ball and knocking over the smaller child in the process rather than actively aiming to push him. That's why I have said it's an "unverified" pushing incident.

It's useful learning though, as I have been thinking of moving my DS to the pre-school attached to our local primary in September as he's very physically active and tends to prefer to play with older children, so have worried about him, as an autumn born, being one of the oldest in the 2-5s room at his nursery in the final year before school starts.

Ha sorry you’re still baffled OP! I think whilst some people might cancel over a one off scuffle between toddlers, I would personally equate that more with PFB behaviour and not with a second kid + a relaxed dad that isn’t even watching them playing. I think much more likely they’re your run of the mill fair weather flakes who have cancelled cos they CBA giving up a weekend for a preschool party and/or they got a better offer.

Honestly OP just shrug and get on with the party. So what if they’re avoiding you?

DS's party is the last of four of nursery parties for 3 or 4 year olds from his nursery that have taken place in the past two months, so there could be some of that going on. It's the fact that they went to all the other parties, which has made me worry that they are avoiding DS.

30% of the people who positively rsvp d will not turn on the day, so brace yourself/lower your expectations/stop over thinking