I think this parent cancelled intentionally

[StressedBirthdayPartyOrganiser]

I would be interested in second opinions. My son is due to turn 3 and we have his birthday party this weekend.

Two weekends ago, a lot of parents and children from my son's nursery went to a playground following another birthday party, and apparently my son pushed another child.
My son is almost 3 and the other child is around 6 months younger (they are both in the same nursery).

This is out of character for my DS, and we are not aware of pushing as an issue with him, as there have been no reports from his nursery (who are very hot on behaviour and make parents aware of the tiniest issue).

My son actually plays more frequently with this child's older sister who is 4. Just before the incident, the smaller child, my son, the smaller child's older sister, and another bigger child were all playing with a football. They were away from the parents, but within long range view within an enclosed outdoor play area.

I was chatting to the father of smaller child and the parent of the other older child, when suddenly smaller child started crying. None of the parents had been directly looking at the time, as we were chatting.

We all went over and asked what happened, and the sister of the smaller child said that my DS had pushed the smaller child. I took the sister at her word and had strong words with my DS and forced him to apologise to the smaller child, which he did.

Now, with less than a week to go before my son's birthday party, I have just had a cancellation from that child's father, citing a clash (both the sister and the smaller child were coming).

I am pretty sure this cancellation is actually due to the unverified pushing claim. I am not sure what else I was supposed to have done beyond reprimanding my son, and I am very surprised that a parent would hold a one off against a not yet 3 year old.

I am very disheartened by this, as my son really enjoys playing with the older sister and I was previously on good terms with the father (for example, I passed my son's first balance bike on to the smaller child once my son had outgrown it.)

This is my first and only child so can other mumsnetters let me know if this is a standard reaction from other parents?

Yeah it's totally intentional

people cancel all the time

That's why I have said it's an "unverified" pushing incident.

^

You are way overthinking this

Dont make a big a deal of this with your ds either, it's old news now

1. Sound like you are probably over thinking it (but there's no way of knowing 100%)
2. IF these parents did cancel after this one minor incident, that seems very extreme on their part. Little kids have behavioural blips all the time! You dealt with it well. Everyone can and should move on.
3. Most likely they cancelled because they actually DO have a diary clash, and it's best to take them at their word

Childhood relationships are inherently messy, and you can't micro-manage every encounter. Some parents are over bearing or judgemental, and sadly best avoided.

Try to relax and let things be; you are going to have tons of these little question marks about your children's interactions, throughout their schooling and growing up. Parties and invitations are always a time when things can be tricky. You can't avoid it.

With your love and warm parenting, he will find friends and form strong bonds that are very little to do with you or the other parents, and that's how it should be. So smile, breathe, and let it be :)

I think you’re over complicated things.

It might be that they are cancelling because of the incident. But it won’t have a lasting impact in your ds. He’ll still play with smaller child or his sister at nursery.

More likely, they’ve had a better offer. It has been like this with children’s party for ages (be ready for lots of Yes answers and loads not turning up in the years that come!!) but seems to have become the norm with adults too.

I personally think it’s a shame and not right (for either position!) but if you take it oersonally, it’s going to make things really hard fir you and for your ds.

Oh lord children push! And you spoke to your child at the time.

I'd just take them having a clash at face value for your own sanity.

For what it's worth I think cancelling with less than a week is pretty rude unless its an emergency. People are very flakey about children's parties though!

This.

You'll never know and it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

Hope your child has a lovely party.

Agree with most others - it doesn’t really matter.

In your shoes (with one child) I would have been the same as you. I felt offended on my child’s behalf about everything. With my second born I would have just accepted the parent saying they were no longer coming because I got a grip by then and realised it neither mattered or was personal.

As for the parent now declining. Some might do it in retaliation to the push, or they might just have other plans, you will never know.

Just enjoy the party with the ones that will be there!

I don’t think you’ll ever know if it was a genuine clash or a reaction to the alleged push. If it’s the former, then it’s not great that the parents agreed to come without checking their diary. If it’s the latter, then they are seriously stupid parents who will have a long hard struggle through primary school and the inevitable daily spats between kids!

The family sound at best flakey, and at worst utterly pathetic.

I’d try not to dwell on it.

The level of detail in your post is just... wow.

Don't worry about it.

Welcome to parenting. There will be more of this to come. Best friends one minute and enemies the next, and that's just the adults. No wonder bullying is such a problem when children don't get good examples on how to behave from adults. Fact is if you are a petty minded person suddenly becoming a parent does not change that.

OP, this is a non event. There may / may not have been a pushing incident. Which you dealt with at the time.

That's it. Draw a line under it.

There's nothing you can do now. You've dealt with what was in your control.

You may never know why the other family cancelled. Likely thing is that they genuinely do have clashing diary.

Maybe, it is due to the push. But you can't ask them as that wouldn't be appropriate.

So, really the only thing you can do is put your energy into your son's party and the ones who are actually attending.

Your child may or may not have pushed the other child. It doesn’t matter- either way, you dealt with it appropriately by taking the children at their words and they are two year olds, it happens.
The other parent may or may not have cancelled because of the alleged pushing. If they did, they are possibly overreacting because, as I said, you dealt with it entirely appropriately. But they might not have cancelled for that reason. You could always ask? ‘Sorry to hear you aren’t coming to Tom’s party, I hope it’s not because of the pushing incident last week. If it is I am sorry and hope this doesn’t affect their friendship going forward’.

You need to be more robust about these dynamics, otherwise your ds will end up picking up the anxiety and you'll create social problems for him that don't exist. Deal with his behaviour the same at home as in public, take responsibility, guide him, follow through and then move on. Smile and wave. Respond warmly to the cancellation and say you hope to see them soon. If they are being precious they'll get over it. Help them want to.
Sounds good to think about the right place for him though, and maybe emphasise to him that strong kids need to use their powers to protect - not be unintentionally rough (help him develop restraint)