Should my DD give up her room?

[CuriousPebble]

Hi everyone. I’d love some perspective on a bit of a difference in view my partner and I are having about bedroom arrangements for our family. We’re in the process of adopting a baby/toddler, and the question of bedroom arrangements has come up. My 11-year-old DD currently has the third biggest room in our house, which is conveniently located directly opposite our bedroom. She’s not the best sleeper and likes to keep both her door and mine open at night. This setup has always helped her feel more secure.

My original thought was to put the baby in our currently empty, smallest bedroom, since they won’t need much space straight away (it’s still a decent size). However, my partner suggested moving DD to a bigger room at the end of the landing and giving the baby her current room instead. I’m concerned this might not only disrupt DD’s sense of stability but also lead to unexpected feelings of loss once she sees her old room repurposed for another child.

I know that DD will likely jump at the idea of a bigger room—she’d probably be thrilled about it initially! But I fear that only after the switch is made, and her old room becomes the baby’s, will she fully feel a particular way about not having that room anymore. Especially with her not being opposite our room anymore.

My partner feels it’s practical to make this shift now, and is thinking longer term, but I’m hesitant and wondering if my concerns are reasonable. I want to avoid creating any resentment or unnecessary upheaval of DD, especially with all the other change of brining a baby into family that is coming her way.

Am I being unreasonable here, or have others experienced something similar? I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences or any thoughts you might have on this.

Thanks so much!

id put the new one (how exciting!!) in the small room, leaving DD where she is.

let every one settle & see how things go, then in summer re asses.

Ask her? Would you like a newly decorated, big girl bedroom,away from the noise of the baby, or stick with your current one.

For what it's worth my 9 year old moved room and almost immediately said they could hardly remember sleeping in the old room! They were delighted with new bigger room

She's 11 not 4, the chances are a bigger room holds more value and if you talk to her and involve her in the decision then I'm sure she'll be fine. You know your child best but are you sure you're not overthinking? Does she know about the adoption plans?

Shes 11. Ask her! She will get disturbed much more often if she is sleeping with doors open and you walk past everytime the toddler needs you.
Wherever her room is though, if she likes to keep the door open then I'd put a baby gate on it, make sure the space stays hers.

There's enough change about to happen without getting her to move rooms. She may well love the idea of a bigger room, but you say she also likes to be close to you at night to feel secure. Can she still see your room from the other bedroom? If not, this could be a problem.

If she does choose to move, make sure she doesn't feel pushed out of her room by your adopted child. It's really important for her to feel secure when her new sibling joins your family.

Just ask her. She’s 11. It will probably be amazing for her. We have a whole separate wing of bedrooms in our house (old farmhouse, two staircases to upstairs which doesn’t connect). My 11 year old would move into the whole other side of the house if we’d let her.

That said, realistically, with an adopted baby/toddler I’d imagine they would be in with you for attachment reasons for a good while yet anyway, so maybe could be a slow adjustment.

If she is excited to have a bigger room, maybe that could be the catalyst for moving on from her current rather restrictive set up of needing both doors open in order to sleep?

She should choose

I would not move the new child into her room, put them in smaller room.

Then if it's noisy or for whatever reason later, if she wants to move to the bigger room she can - you can rejig if necessary

Make it her decision, at 11 she is old enough. She might be delighted at the thought of a new bigger room and decorating it how she likes.
If she seems very against it though then no I wouldn't force her to move.

Give her a chance to test the new room by sleeping in there for a few nights to see if she misses being so close then ask her what she would prefer.

Offer to redecorate the big room for her. And if she says yes do that. Makes more sense!

I'd offer her the opportunity to move into the bigger room. Put the baby in the small room, and then move the baby into her old room in 2 or 3 years time when they start school. By then your daughter will be settled well into her new room and will have likely lost any attachment to her old room

Let her choose. Really important she doesn't feel put out in any way with the new arrival.

A new room decorated how she wants might be lovely but it has to be her choice.

That's what I was going to say.

At 11, she's old enough to be involved in the decision. Sit her down and ask her for her opinion because you could really use some help, explain all the options and ask her what she thinks would be a good idea. That way, if she chooses the big room, she will be less likely to hanker after her old room than if she was told she was moving, (even if it's explained in a good way). That way she also feels in control. It's a bit of a kind of reverse psychology type of thing, but I always found it worked with my daughter at that age, she loved to figure something out I couldn't. 😉

I would ask her, but in a really cheery non committal way so she doesn't feel pressured. Just bring it up in a chat. The house will change with a baby coming, and it doesn't feel right to disrupt her if she doesn't want to move.

I'd offer your DD a chance to move now well before new baby arrives. That way she won't feel displaced. Let her choose how to decorate the new bigger room and she'll love it. She can still leave her door open.

Wait a while unless your lovely daughter suggests the move. If you suggest redecorating and moving she may feel she needs to say yes and this could cause her some anxiety.
Whilst you give her age that does not indicate her learning age or social maturity. If she needs the door open and to be opposite you taking that away from her could be hard.
I would discuss this with your social worker, they will know more about your family and the needs of your daughter and will also be aware of similar situations and what worked best for other families.
it is always a juggle having a new child in the home. Try not to worry, enjoy your daughter and your new child. Lots of love

Ask her do you want the bigger room or do you want baby to have the bigger room?

But honestly I don't think you should be adopting if you're immediate response is adopted child goes in the smallest bedroom in the house when there's a bigger room available!

Definitely ask your daughter what she wants to do- she should get to choose.

I think that, at the age of 11, she really needs to get used to people's bedroom doors being closed and not being directly across the landing from her parents every night, and a bigger, newly decorated room would be a good way to make that transition - before her baby sibling arrives. She's approaching puberty and trust me, she's likely to want more privacy very soon anyway.

I understand why you're worried she'll feel pushed out, but you can give her the choice and explain that you genuinely don't mind which option she chooses. Her choice is keeping her current room, or having the other, bigger room decorated and furnished for her so she can move into that one - but if she makes that choice, the baby will get her old smaller room as a nursery.

The older sibling moving into the bigger room while the younger sibling gets their old, smaller room is a very normal family situation, and I don't think it really makes any difference that your daughter's new brother or sister will be arriving through the adoption route rather than following a pregnancy. Those kind of room swaps aren't unusual at all and I think you might be overthinking this a bit. By all means give her a choice, but don't worry too much about it.

The fuck? It's nothing to do with the child being adopted! I put my baby, which I gave birth to, in the smallest spare room rather than the biggest one, because she was small! She doesn't need a big room!

I wouldn't move DD unless she asks to move to the bigger bedroom.