Should my DD give up her room?

[CuriousPebble]

Hi everyone. I’d love some perspective on a bit of a difference in view my partner and I are having about bedroom arrangements for our family. We’re in the process of adopting a baby/toddler, and the question of bedroom arrangements has come up. My 11-year-old DD currently has the third biggest room in our house, which is conveniently located directly opposite our bedroom. She’s not the best sleeper and likes to keep both her door and mine open at night. This setup has always helped her feel more secure.

My original thought was to put the baby in our currently empty, smallest bedroom, since they won’t need much space straight away (it’s still a decent size). However, my partner suggested moving DD to a bigger room at the end of the landing and giving the baby her current room instead. I’m concerned this might not only disrupt DD’s sense of stability but also lead to unexpected feelings of loss once she sees her old room repurposed for another child.

I know that DD will likely jump at the idea of a bigger room—she’d probably be thrilled about it initially! But I fear that only after the switch is made, and her old room becomes the baby’s, will she fully feel a particular way about not having that room anymore. Especially with her not being opposite our room anymore.

My partner feels it’s practical to make this shift now, and is thinking longer term, but I’m hesitant and wondering if my concerns are reasonable. I want to avoid creating any resentment or unnecessary upheaval of DD, especially with all the other change of brining a baby into family that is coming her way.

Am I being unreasonable here, or have others experienced something similar? I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences or any thoughts you might have on this.

Thanks so much!

You are massively overthinking it. If she says yes initially and changes her mind just move her back.

Christ, she's 11, she's capable of being involved in the decision process for stuff like this.
Ask her what she wants to do. Explain that it would make your lives easier having the baby closest, and she'd get a bigger room out of the deal, but that if she'd prefer to stay put then thats fine too.

And then let her choose.

I was fostered then adopted as a kid always in the smallest room even when we moved house - even when the family had a younger baby of their own. And I wasn't the only one, you talk to any adopted kid they always get the smaller room!
It has everything to do with the baby being adopted - subconsciously that baby will never be equal to your natural children!

Offer her the option, say you'll be up and down a lot more at night and she can choose the decor for the bigger room

I'm sorry that was your experience, but I really don't think it is fair to extrapolate.

We adopted 2, the elder one went in the second bedroom, and the 2yo went in a smaller room because it was right opposite our bedroom. Which is exactly as it would have been had they been birth children.
Interestingly the youngest was given the option to move rooms a few years ago, but prefers her room as it feels safe and secure to her.

I'm sorry this was your experience, but I don't think it's fair to the OP to assume this is what she's doing. You've also made an assumption that the OP's elder child isn't adopted.

What would you do if it was your birth child?

You don't do anything - she gets to decide.

The conversation goes something like this 'DD, do you think you would like to move to the bigger bedroom when the baby arrives or stay where you are? No need to decide just now though, we can wait till the baby arrives'.

Then you go with that. At 11 she can make that decision herself. Congratulations on your new addition to the family!

The baby won't need a room until s/he is 6 months old so plenty of time and your dd will grow up a lot- especially as big sister. I felt the same op but we did up a bigger room, labelled it as a big girl room and she loved it.

Surely the baby will be in with you for a long time anyway? This is not a trauma free "regular" bio baby. I'd be keeping a baby who was going through the upheaval of being adopted in with me for about 2 years minimum! So I'd then ask your teen what she thinks.

She's 11. I imagine she'll jump at the bigger room. Ask her.

@CuriousPebble If it were me, I would ask your daughter whether she would prefer to stay in her own room or whether now she is 11 she would like to move to the biggest room, which she could choose how she wants to decorate it etc.

I wouldn't even MENTION the baby or the baby's room at this stage. See what she says. If she wants to move to the bigger one, go for it, do it up and let her move into it. If she wants to move, THEN ( separate conversation, like you've just thought about it), maybe ask her which room she thinks the baby would be best in). If she says the small room then do that. Baby/Toddler isn't going to need a bigger room for a couple of years. That will allow time for your DD to settle in and be happy in her new room and baby can be moved into the other room in a year or two?

Should have also said @CuriousPebble If DD wants to stay in her own room, that's fine - but she may discover if baby is in the smaller room that she doesn't like the disruption at nights etc. and will then ask to go in the bigger room?

@CosyLemur it's a baby, small person - it's quite usual to put the youngest member of the family in the smallest room!

I'd move her to the new bedroom now and just not do any decorating etc. Give her a trial period in her new room to decide if she likes it. If she doesn't then just move her back. Doing it pre-baby is ideal but no big deal if baby spends a few nights in one room and then you have to move it. A minor faff with furniture but not the end of the world.