Fussy 4yo eater, very strong willed and getting FUSSIER! Help please

[highfivebear]

TLDR: Really getting depressed around my son's eating and feel like no other Mums I know are having issues to this extent. Trying not to show my anxiety to him btw, but it is so disheartening chucking away so much food. If anyone can help I'd be so grateful!!

Details: My 4.5yo son (in reception) became a fussy eater aged 2, having eaten everything before that and a very broad range of foods. We are generally a very healthy family and don't have junk or ultra processed stuff at home.

I am convinced it s a control thing, which I fully understand as they have so little control in their lives at this age. He is also INCREDIBLY strong-willed about everything and not a compliant or "easy" child, though loving and funny as well.

But if he says no to something / anything in life there is literally nothing that will work to get him to do it - unless you were to force him physically which obviously I never would. Just trying to make that clear as I know that some children respond to things like sticker charts, or conversely time-out or whatever but he responds really badly to these.

Anyway has anyone had a fussy eater and found any success?

In mention the fact that he ate a diverse healthy diet until the age of two as I'm convinced it's not dietary or about taste and that he actually "likes" most things. It's control. I'm mainly concerned he's developing a sweet / unhealthy tooth despite not having any junk at home. (Though I've even tried bringing some processed items in just to see if he will eat something!)

What he will / won't eat:

• yes to bread, bagels, crackers, and - if he were offered it - cake and sweet bakery items
• yes to nutella 😞
• he would eat sweets all day if he could - I guess not dissimilar to most children - he only gets them on very rare occasions like a birthday party or at halloween
• occasionally eats cucumber on a good day. used to love carrot, pepper sticks and houmous but has recently started saying he doesn't like them
• porridge - he'll eat a few spoons and then give up
• I make healthy pancakes with berries and agave syrup which he likes
• bloody petit filous yoghurt drinks are what he would survive on if he could
• he'll eat a bite of a banana on a good day

• no to tomatoes, no cheese (not even horrid plasticky kids cheese)
• no normal hot dinners e.g. curry, stew, bolognese, roast),
• no pizza, no meat, no soup,
• no to fish (loved salmon as a baby)
• no to peanut butter or any nut butter
• tried him on processed kiddie food like nuggets as a desperate measure but he still didn't like
• he used to LOVE apples and pears which gave me hope but for the last month he's started saying he doesn't like them 😫
• he drinks water so that's a win I guess!

I make my own bread and hide chia seeds and eggs inside to get protein into him. What else can I try?

Check out my fussy eater on instagram - full of ideas and experience.

Please read "my child won't eat", written by pediatrician Carlos Gonzales. It might change your perspective a bit.

What does he actually eat? What’s a typical day’s worth of food for him?

And what’s his weight like?

You may find he eats more, and a wider range, than you realise if you write it down over a week.

It is so worrying when they’re like this but on some level, you have to step back a bit, mentally - I would have gone mad if I hadn’t. I have a strong-willed fussy eater and, essentially, you have to remember they are in control. You cannot make them eat - you can only offer a wide range of healthy foods, the rest is up to them.

It’s great that you think it’s a control thing rather than a sensory issue. My older one has ASD and I’d say he was borderline ARFID at one point - he has sensory issues around a lot of “normal food” (ie anything in a sauce) but was tricky from when we started to wean. If your DC ate well as a younger child, that does bode well.

Things that have helped us during bad patches include serving food family-style (bowls on the table) so they can help themselves, making sure a “safe food” is always available, and never passing comment on what is/isn’t eaten. When the pressure is off, I find my DC is much more likely to try something (even if the verdict is, 9/10, “I don’t like it”).

Also, does he have school lunches or packed lunches? Peer pressure can be quite helpful with this for some children….

Thanks. I just asked AI to summarise the book's findings and recommendations but I'm not sure it's addressing my concerns? (I will read the book when I have time to but right now I am looking for some ideas this morning).

It's saying: "Dr. González, a pediatrician, argues that children are naturally capable of regulating their food intake to meet their needs and should not be pressured into eating more than they want. He emphasizes a trust-based approach to parenting around food and addresses common worries parents have about their child's diet."

and

"Trust Your Child's Appetite
Don't Force Feed
Focus on Overall Health, Not Just Meal Quantity"

But I am not worrying about quantity, but diversity. I am not forcing him to eat and have just tolerated his fussiness in silence as far as he's concerned.

My concerns are around the lack of diversity in his diet and the nutritional defecit. I'm not sure how a "trust-based" approach helps when he would say he wants sweets all day?

@highfivebear It might be that he feels the pressure, as you say, a control thing. I feel ya, sister!

yes, so we are in London where all primary children get free school meals, and his school has a very healthy ethos (so all home-made healthy meals, and pudding is fruit). I have no idea what he eats though as I am not there and he doesn't share! Recently he asked if he could take a lunch box (I think a few children with allergies do this) and he asked if it could be half healthy and half unhealthy food (!), but I said no we can't sorry.

I have one of these although he's becoming a tiny bit better. But I basically just ignore it and don't think about it too much. If DS decides he's going to eat plain rice, fine. It's hard though - he also ate a lot of things as a baby too.

I was that child. Stop panicking.
I used to wish I could take a tablet that had everything in it because I genuinely had NO appetite ever. I didn’t develop an appetite for food or even really feel hunger until I was in my pre-teens.
My mum used to threaten me that I’d end up in hospital on a drip and I’d be taken away from her. She did it because she was worried, but the reality is it panicked me so much and caused issues around food. I ate tiny amounts of a few foods. It was perfectly enough to sustain a little body (I was a thin, active child) but my mum would try and force feed me or guilt trip me. It really wasn’t good.

Your child will eat what they need and their pallet will improve as they get older.

Thanks. How would you handle it if, say, you served a range of foods (including some safe foods) for them to choose from, but they said they didn't want anything, and stormed off, and then later are crying about how hungry they are before bed?

Alarm bells at a 4yo asking for 50:50 healthy/unhealthy food. Surely labelling food as unhealthy is not good.
Teach him that his diet should contain more of some foods than others, but not specific labelling. Young children need foods that are considered less healthy for adults anyway - high fat etc.
Give him a range of food.
Make sure he always has something that he will eat. Just place other food in front of him (maybe in separate bowls etc) so he can choose, but don't comment.
You say he won't eat stews etc - is that because everything is mixed together? Lots of children prefer to keep each element of a meal separate on a plate - may be try that? No sauces, gravy etc. plain pasta and Bolognese separate etc
Look at what he eats over the whole day. It doesn't matter if he has all his carbs at breakfast it doesn't matter. If he has dinner foods at breakfast who to say that's wrong!

I would re-offer what was available earlier (if cold) or offer something like plain toast with butter, and probably wouldn’t be able to help myself from making a fairly bland comment about why it’s worth eating something at dinner time 🙄. And then pour myself some wine and take deep breaths!

If you think he’s aiming to pressure you into giving him more sugar, that’s something you can control at home by not having it in the house (sounds like you already do this).

You might be doing this already but I’d make sure he is having a good multivitamin. I appreciate that doesn’t address concerns about protein, fibre and so on! But it will help a bit.

You seem very very sure that it's control. What if it's not?

It might be a sensory issue, or anxiety which is coming out in unwanted behaviour. Maybe he's neurodivergent. Tastes change as children get older so he may have been happy to eat things before that he won't now, or perhaps he's suddenly realised he can refuse.

Feed him what he will eat and continue introducing small amounts of new food. Serving up food family style worked for us. Sometimes at that age my dc were more likely to try things off my plate or off a plate in the middle of the table because there was no pressure on them to eat it. If he's suddenly decided he doesn't like carrots, then don't give him any, wait a bit then reintroduce later.

It's honestly not worth putting the responsibility of wasted food onto him. You're choosing to give him lots of things you know he won't eat - you're the one wasting the food.

My dc had a lot of anxiety around school dinners. This year he's on packed lunches and he's so much happier because he knows what he's going to be eating and that there is "safe" food in there. Wish id just put him on packed lunches ages ago.

Give them food. Offer the safe food again.

My DD was very similar, right up to being a good eater until about 3 then becoming fussier. It is so stressful and you really feel judged, so you have my sympathy. I suspect it was mainly about control as it got worse after she started school, but there are possible sensory issues and some minor signs of neurodiversity.

She’s 9 now, and has really improved over the past two years, and will usually eat what we eat. She still has some food preferences and will refuse somethings, but is so much better.

Looking back, we did not handle it as well as we could have - insisting she tried to eat foods we were having. Eventually we backed off, and just cooked what she wanted to eat for dinner - usually potato waffles, cooked chicken, and peas or an apple. I hated it and felt like a failure, but it took the pressure off her at mealtimes. She did still eat apples, and we got her to take a multivitamin. She also loved yogurts, and would sometimes eat toast. And she was happy to eat sweets and chocolate!

if she didn’t eat dinner but was hungry later, we’d just let her eat an apple, or have a yogurt. Better for her to have some calories than none. It made eating out and visiting family very stressful, though.

All the advice is to stop making food a battleground, let them eat what they want (within reason), and while that was really hard to do, I think it worked.

• no to tomatoes, no cheese (not even horrid plasticky kids cheese)
• no normal hot dinners e.g. curry, stew, bolognese, roast),
• no pizza, no meat, no soup,
• no to fish (loved salmon as a baby)
• no to peanut butter or any nut butter

Are you sure their isn't a texture thing going on?
Most of that food is saucey (Inc gravy).

Have you tried roast chicken or roast beef without gravy? Same with salmon try it without any sauce.

We quite often cook things up pull a bit out before we add the sauce.

Pizza, my youngest is very fussy on pizza, doesn't like posh ones but he'll eat the savers cheap numbers with a bit of extra cheese.

He won't starve himself, kids are just picky. There's a theory its a cave baby instinct to stop them eating rotten food or poisonous things that they find.
Choose your battles.

If school haven’t contacted you then I would assume he’s eating ok there. You could ask though! Hard as it is I would give a multi vitamin and then try to relax a bit. Remember fussy kids are common but truly fussy adults are quite rare!

Breakfast if he’ll have nutella on toast (thin scraping), petit filous, some sort of fruit and a glass of water then I’d be completely fine with that. Lunch is at school. Then dinner I would serve whatever you and DH want but serve it family style, also stick some baguette on the table and some crudités since you know he’ll definitely eat the bread and possibly the veggies too and then let everyone select their own helping with no comment. We’ve found this hugely beneficial for ours, the 7YO was awful at age 3 but basically eats everything now.

I don’t like the concept of treat food because I think it puts too much value on certain things but ours know they get a chocolate biscuit when they get in from school, yoghurt after dinner (not conditional on how much they eat), pudding when we eat out and pain au chocolate from cafe on the corner every Sunday. So they don’t tend to ask for these things at other times because they get them frequently but also it’s quite regimented, if that makes sense.

IDK if a dietician would agree with any of that but it’s what we’ve found works for us. Kids eat pretty well, seem healthy and meal times are relaxed so I don’t think I can ask for much more!

Yep I do all of that. I deconstruct every meal and put out different choices, always a wide range and always a safe food. Yes it's okay to say sweets are unhealthy. They are. He is taught they are an occasional treat, and he is taught that certain foods are healthy because they help your bones, brain, growth etc etc, whatever it may be.

He will not eat but then cries later he is hungry..

@EllieQ thanks for sharing. The thing is though, he won't even eat that! I'd LOVE to see him eat a plate of waffles and plain chicken, or a normal yoghurt or an apple. He will not eat any of those things though.

Yes, because I know he turns his nose up at gooey textures I always deconstruct everything! E.g. pasta meal I Put sauce in a separate bowl, big bowl of pasta, bowl of cheese, bowl of veg, bowl of bread. It's exhausting and it never works.

thanks @InTheRainOnATrain that's helpful. I'll just continue trying this I guess.

My 9 year old DS is similar. Around 5 or 6 it came to a head in terms of my stress levels, we were negotiating over how many more mouthfuls to eat, mealtimes were horrible and it felt like the list of what he'd eat only ever reduced, nothing new ever got added. I did some reading about it and, as with so many things with kids, the core advice was just to step back and avoid food becoming a battle. As long as they are eating a reasonable amount of food across the day and there is some fruit and veg in there it's fine. It's really hard as a parent to see your child eating such a limited range of foods, you feel like you've failed, but honestly stepping back from it was so good for all of all. I have two other children and he's always offered whatever they have, and the four of us will have the same thing and offer it to him, but we always make something for our son that we know he'll eat. It makes me sad, as it's a pain to make things different, not really be able to go to restaurants, he can't just eat pizza at a birthday party etc. but it also must be so boring for him. But I think it's a control and comfort thing for him so we go with what works. My husband says he was much the same and he will eat anything nowadays, so I try not to let it worry me. I know there's loads of advice and people might say oh you can tempt them with other foods, or don't enable them, but unless you have a truly fussy eater who will go hungry rather than eat something new or even slightly different from what they're happy with, people don't understand. It sounds like you are at the stage I remember where you think 'I can just about keep this on the menu if I try and put the sauce separately, or don't add onion' or whatever they're telling you might make the dish acceptable to them. But in the long run it doesn't work. Just ask your son what he'll eat and go with it (assuming it's not unhealthy of course) and try to accept it. You have my sympathies though, it's really hard and it's just our normal with him now. And friends are kind when he goes over to them or to parties.

Been there, done that, bought the tshirt!
DD was very difficult with food from around age 2 and we both ended up in tears at times, she is 19 now and very healthy - although she does still have a few food "quirks". My advice
Ignore anyone who tells you that a child won't starve so offer food and if they don't eat it then thats that. Some children WILL go hungry
Drop the rope, be very very chilled about food in general (hard I know)
A food thats safe one day may not be safe the next day
Try putting all food in the middle, the child can choose and they don't have to eat anything unless THEY choose to put it on their plate
It may be texture or contamination so don't let food touch and/or serve the elements seperately
Try and get them to take a multivit
Don't stress about unusual combinations or mealtimes, if they want a "breakfast" item for tea then thats ok.
Don't label foods good/bad or healthy/unhealthy.

Good luck, its very hard. Its natural to want to feed your child well. DS was very easy from that perspective, at least in comparison to his older sister!

Could you get him to help prepare the food and give him a sense of control that way? Things like chopping up vegetables (I know it seems counterintuitive, but use a sharp knife; so called child safe ones are more likely to slip and cause injuries) or chopping cheese (with a safe knife) or spreading butter on bread, measuring out the dry pasta, setting the table etc.

Also, and this will probably be roundly condemned by MN, but would a bit of reverse psychology work? 'Oh no, you can't have that. It's only for Mummy and Daddy and big boys'

That sounds exhausting and all those bowls of putting. Your almost trying too hard.

I'd do pasta at one side, the meat at the other, let them be in control of the sauce and cheese.
And don't get upset if they want ketchup and turn their nose up at your fancy sauce.

You've got into a battleground. Step back. Put dinner down and ignore don't fuss over what they try or don't try.