Fussy 4yo eater, very strong willed and getting FUSSIER! Help please

[highfivebear]

TLDR: Really getting depressed around my son's eating and feel like no other Mums I know are having issues to this extent. Trying not to show my anxiety to him btw, but it is so disheartening chucking away so much food. If anyone can help I'd be so grateful!!

Details: My 4.5yo son (in reception) became a fussy eater aged 2, having eaten everything before that and a very broad range of foods. We are generally a very healthy family and don't have junk or ultra processed stuff at home.

I am convinced it s a control thing, which I fully understand as they have so little control in their lives at this age. He is also INCREDIBLY strong-willed about everything and not a compliant or "easy" child, though loving and funny as well.

But if he says no to something / anything in life there is literally nothing that will work to get him to do it - unless you were to force him physically which obviously I never would. Just trying to make that clear as I know that some children respond to things like sticker charts, or conversely time-out or whatever but he responds really badly to these.

Anyway has anyone had a fussy eater and found any success?

In mention the fact that he ate a diverse healthy diet until the age of two as I'm convinced it's not dietary or about taste and that he actually "likes" most things. It's control. I'm mainly concerned he's developing a sweet / unhealthy tooth despite not having any junk at home. (Though I've even tried bringing some processed items in just to see if he will eat something!)

What he will / won't eat:

• yes to bread, bagels, crackers, and - if he were offered it - cake and sweet bakery items
• yes to nutella 😞
• he would eat sweets all day if he could - I guess not dissimilar to most children - he only gets them on very rare occasions like a birthday party or at halloween
• occasionally eats cucumber on a good day. used to love carrot, pepper sticks and houmous but has recently started saying he doesn't like them
• porridge - he'll eat a few spoons and then give up
• I make healthy pancakes with berries and agave syrup which he likes
• bloody petit filous yoghurt drinks are what he would survive on if he could
• he'll eat a bite of a banana on a good day

• no to tomatoes, no cheese (not even horrid plasticky kids cheese)
• no normal hot dinners e.g. curry, stew, bolognese, roast),
• no pizza, no meat, no soup,
• no to fish (loved salmon as a baby)
• no to peanut butter or any nut butter
• tried him on processed kiddie food like nuggets as a desperate measure but he still didn't like
• he used to LOVE apples and pears which gave me hope but for the last month he's started saying he doesn't like them 😫
• he drinks water so that's a win I guess!

I make my own bread and hide chia seeds and eggs inside to get protein into him. What else can I try?

As a first step, I'd check with the school what he is eating at lunch there. My DS (only 2.5 so not really comparable) eats a much wider range of foods at nursery than he does at home. I've noticed that he's particularly fussy about what he eats after a nursery day, which I think is fair enough - he's just had a busy stressful day at nursery and not had much choice about what he eats, so just wants something familiar. Your DS might be similar and if he's eating a range of things at school I wouldn't worry at all.

From what you are saying, his diet sounds pretty reasonable at home too. He's eating plenty of carbohydrates (bagels, bread, porridge), a range of fruit and veggies (berries, carrots, cucumber, banana) which are full of vitamins and minerals; dairy (the yoghurt drinks); and protein (eggs, yoghurt, hummus).

I would try to make meals as stress-free as possible, especially on school days. Make sure there are foods available that he will eat and offer him those. If he's hungry before bed, giving something plain like banana or bread?

You could also try gradually expanding what he will happily eat. So if he likes bread and bagels and crackers, will he eat a different flavour bagel (cinnamon? Sesame?), or tortilla breads, or brioche or croissant or (cheese) scones or different types of crackers or oatcakes? Try to get him to have some positive experiences of trying something new and discovering he likes it, even if he's not trying things that you necessarily want him to like.

Serving family style is also good, even if what he chooses to eat is wholly different from your meal. It means that he is having the shared experience of choosing options from the table, rather than being given a separate meal. That keeps the gap between what he eats and what you eat narrower, so it's easier for him to try something new when he's ready.

Another recommendation to read this book. It's definitely going to be helpful for you.

Kids his age often do have less of an appetite. 2 year olds often eat more than 4 year olds for example.

I know you're already trying this to some extent. But mealtime shouldn't be a stress or a battleground. Make the food for the family. His should be the same. Sit down to eat together as a family. Don't encourage or discourage eating food. Just let him be. If everyone has finished and he hasn't eaten ask him if he's done, if he is- let him get down! No stress, no comment. If he's says he's hungry later then offer his plate of leftovers from the fridge, again with no comment, just sure yes, here you go...

If you're really concerned about his weight, just weigh him once a month. If he actually loses weight, that's when you know you have a problem. I bet he's getting enough.

Don't start relying on treats such as Nutella etc just to get food in him. Healthy, family options offered by you. That's your only job. He gets to chose what he eats from those options.

He does sound much more restricted than my DD was, though this discussion had reminded me that she would only have Petit Filous yoghurts for years.

Looking at your list of foods that he will eat, what would happen if you gave him a couple of pancakes with berries and bread/ a bagel for dinner, with a yoghurt drink for afters? That would be protein (eggs), carbs (bread), and fruit (berries). Would he eat it all? I’d suggest just doing that for a few dinners and completely back off getting him to try anything else for a while.