Is after school stressful for everyone or am I just an awful Mum? Only half joking!

[Gingerbreadcookiesforme]

I have two children, aged 5 and nearly 8 and after school feels like a battle most evenings! I don’t know if other people find this too or if it’s something I’m doing wrong. The oldest is on the waiting list for assessment for autism so I’m aware that may effect things but the youngest isn’t and they both are challenging in different ways.

Currently they’re not in after school clubs besides swimming and occasionally one day of wraparound care as I work full time. We get home, they have snacks and I try to have some stuff set up for them to do if they like as otherwise they descend into physical play like wrestling which is short lived until someone gets hurt. Then after an hour they can watch TV or go on tablets etc until dinner time. We tried doing things the opposite way round with screen time first and it just descended into chaos before dinner and I don’t want them on screens for hours as it really effects their behaviour:

I feel like after school until bedtime is such a slog and I hate that because I love my children very much and I want to enjoy my time with them: I have one on one time with them when I put them to bed and that’s lovely.

I feel like a referee breaking up fights constantly or arguments and it’s exhausting. It hasn’t always felt like this- I think the combination of the oldest entering a new stage and the younger one having a bit of a growth spurt and adjusting to school has taken its toll but we’re over a term in now and it’s still so hard.

Am I just an awful Mum? Or is after-school hard for other people too? I’d be open to other suggestions. Maybe this is just hard ages wise? Please help!

My best suggestions are Batch cook meals so you aren't trying to juggle food prep with managing behaviour, 'active' video games such as just dance on the switch or if time and weather allows actual outdoor activities such as the park or football. Individual activities so while one child is at their hobby you have quality time with the other. Maybe a reward chart for good behaviour with small weekly rewards (extra 30 mins screen time on a Friday for example) but a longer term shared goal such as a family day out to work towards.

You're not a bad mum though, it's bloody hard work sometimes

Absolutely this. Even in the 90s when I was at school it was the norm to go home from school and veg out in front of the TV, that's why there was all the Blue Peter, CITV kids shows etc on from 3.30 till 5. I literally knew the kids TV schedule for the whole week! It was such a comforting routine part of the day, snacks and sometimes hot choc in front of the TV, then upstairs to do homework, then dinner bath and bed. This whole 'no screen time at all on weekdays' is just a bit over the top. Yes maybe don't allow ipads or endless crap on YouTube but something vaguely educational or wholesome on the main TV for a bit isn't going to do any harm, kids can't be expected to constantly be doing doing doing!

What about one of those exciting multicoloured lights on a stick, would that be more appealing than a torch?

I get that it's expensive but unless it's totally out of reach for you, I think a bit more wraparound would help ease this a lot.

The other option that hasn't been mentioned is play dates - it might help to break things up a bit.

Once a week or so you could do a trip to the library or something?

Winter is hard because it's more difficult to get them outside after school. Mine fight like cat and dog but I think most kids are like that and I try to if it emits if it unless it gets too rough. I do change of clothes / snack / play and IF they play nicely I turn the tv in on at 5. They can watch tv till dad comes home and takes over. It's tough though I also find it a challenge.

My kids were pretty 'easy' but yes, until you get both of them in late primary age I'd say, after school feels like a schlep for most parents I reckon. It just feels like constant snacks and meals and get in the bath and get out the bath and worse once they start getting homework and you have to do that as well. But it does pass.

This... are you not making it stressful because you're working at the same time??

How often does she get given homework? I doubt many children that age would be happy to do more writing after school. They’re tired! And or need to burn off steam or relax. We do it once a week at weekend for about 15 mins. I really wouldn’t worry about it :)

Snack and drink
After school club if we have one that night if not tv or playing
Dinner
Some more tv
books and bed

In the summer we’d be in the garden but not now. Although we did play swing ball in the dark the other night 🤣

I don’t understand the limiting TV time if your children have hobbies or activities that they do also. It’s all about balance in my opinion. Today I collected my DC at four from Afterschool. We got home, sorted out a few bits and pieces and they had an early dinner. Then they chilled out and watch TV. My dd had a guitar lesson and the lifts are shared between me and one of the other parents. So all I had to do was collect them from the lesson and drop her friend home. When we got home, they had another snack while we all chilled out together talking, they both finished some homework they had and then we watched TV for a bit . They washed last night so they didn’t need to wash again tonight. They will wash faces in the morning. TV was off at nine and they put on pyjamas and brushed teeth. They then read for 20 minutes. And then lights out at 9:30. No major dramas. Mine are 9 and 12.

I watched a lot of TV as a kid and there’s nothing wrong with me. I can separate up my time very well. And academically and socially I did great.

This is really helpful. And thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot!

It’s just helpful to know I’m not alone in this to be honest. When they’re toddlers and so on I feel like there’s so much help and advice out there. Likewise for the teen years but it feels like we’ve suddenly hit another hard stage and it’s been a tricky year in general. Just hearing other people’s experiences is helpful!

That’s a really good idea and may actually work! Thank you.

Do you have a park nearby? My solution is always to get outside even if it's only for 30mins as it's starting to get dark

That's what everyone round here does. Local primary is right next to the park. It's heaving after school with all the kids playing/on bikes or scooters. They all need one last burst of physical activity.

Think about it... what did we all do after school? Most of us played out, then came in for our tea. That's why your boys are battering each other. They need more time outdoors.

Mine are 4 and 6 and it can be very similar.

I also work full time and we have DH doing pick up x 2 days (he works on Saturdays to facilitate this), after school nanny x 2 days, and I do pick up on Fridays as it’s usually a quieter work day for me. I think trying to properly work with 2 young primary kids just isn’t possible and probably causing a lot of the stress. Mine play up the most when they sense they are being ignored!

We only do screen time on Fridays as it also seems to worsen their behaviour - we make a big thing of it and have “movie night” which they love. On the other days it’s park after school or home to play, with DH or the nanny actively playing with them. Left to their own devices they would definitely wind each other up. Agree too re slow cooker/batch cooking to maximise the focus you can give to them.

For us the harder time is the bedtime routine as it just feels like so many steps to get them through - upstairs/bath or wash/brush teeth/pjs on/school reading/bedtime stories/lots of last minute demands etc etc!

I think the problem is that you're trying to work but without the right amount of childcare, it's no wonder you're getting stressed. I know parents that manage a few hours doing this with one compliant child but I'm not convinced it's feasible in situations like yours.

I'm not clear on this but it sounds like they may be coming home to a house where the adults are trying to work? I think that's probably not a reasonable expectation for this age group. If you don't want them in wrap around every day you could see if any local teens might come and play with them till you're done with work (possibly cheaper option, but might not be practical).

Yes, completely agree. Let them come in and watch TV for a bit whilst they have a snack. They need to decompress after school. Lots of kids TV has some sort of educational/moral message these days so it's not all bad (agree YouTube is dire).
Then tea, reading homework, a boardgame together?

Yes its a slog, made much harer in your case because of work.

In the best phases we stayed outside as much as possible. Luckily he was at a very slack hippy primary school so we all just hung out in the playground for a good half hour, then either over to the park for another hour or I'd pick up someone for a playdate or go to theirs. We'd very reluctantly go home or get the playdate home around 530 and have lengthy chats with the other parents, early tea and then by then it would seem v reasonable to have a bit of telly. We didn't really have homework at this age thank goodness.

Having to work as well throws all this out. I suppose the only useful bit is the 'putside as much as possible' and 'maybe try other children to break up the dynamic'?

When I was working full time and dh was in charge, tbh basically it would be ds coming home alone, then snack and a chat with Dad, telly. Because he was an only and therefore no fighting, that was manageable. But it set up a heavy screen expectation and that really wasn't great. We were lucky that it didn't derail ds really badly tbh.

Mine are a similar age. We don't do TV during the week. On a normal day:
3:45 home. Snack, sometimes play outside for a bit.
4:15 homework/reading, then they read to themselves, draw, do a puzzle, listen to Yoto whilst I prepare supper. Play in the garden if the weather is ok.
5:30 Supper
6:00 Reading if they didn't do it earlier (school reading scheme books for both)
6:30 Bath
7:00 Bedtime stories
7:30 Lights out

I understand why you save screens until later. For my DC later is sometimes better than earlier because it can take so much energy to get them to transition off the screen into something else. So sometimes allowing screens as soon as they get back turns into screen time for the next 4 hours until bedtime, which I don't think is good every single day.

I can see why you're stressed, trying to work but also be a perfect mum. No solutions sorry - assume you're already using tax free childcare to help with after school club costs?

OP, I agree with others that your main problem is trying to work full-time and hardly use wraparound care. Your kids are a tiny bit younger than mine and from experience they want your full attention after a day at school, not a quick “here’s a snack - now play by yourselves while I go back to work”. Mine also fight when left to their own devices. I only work part-time so am able to facilitate quite a few after school activities and by the time we get home from those I am happy for them to watch TV while I make supper / check emails etc. I still find it hard to work with them around as there are constant interruptions asking for snacks / help wiping bottoms / a referee.

If at all possible financially I would try to increase the time in ASC so that on the days you do have them at home you’re able to play with them; that way they will hopefully behave better. You are not alone - I have to admit I find the 3pm to 9pm after school shift just as tiring as the long days with toddlers, just in a different way!

Mine get like this if they don't get enough exercise. They get to move about very little in school, with shorter and fewer breaktimes than when I was at Primary, plus the work they need to cover is greater so expectations on them and the focus required is more. Kids need a lot of running, much like dogs! I find a lack of exercise has a negative effect on their sleep too, particularly my AuDHD DD.

It isn't reasonable to both work and expect the DCs to just hang out at home nicely and sedately IMO. You need to build in time for physical play, which in the darker months means paying in one way or another: either in lost earnings by taking more time out of work so you can stop by the park before it gets dark, by paying for after-school club (if it is an active one, sometimes they can be crafting etc, which won't help!), or finishing work early a few days a week to take them to extracurriculars (a double financial hit).