Does your dance school have a no male helpers policy?

[PurBal]

DS 3yo is in a preschool dance class. The whole dance school performance is scheduled for a day I am working away, this is very rare but booked 12 months in advance so I can't get out of it.

"Preschoolers must be accompanied by a female relative when backstage" during the show, strictly "no dads" (this is written on the letter in bold). We don't have a female relative (or friend for that matter) who could chaperone him.

The dance school take a range of children up to teenagers. This is relevant because the no dad rule is "out of respect for their teenage students".

DS isn't really aware of all this goings on, so we're not talking about it. I was hoping the teacher would keep it under wraps so he doesn't get upset he can't be involved, but it got me thinking, is this really fair?

WIBU to speak with the teacher? I appreciate the reason for the decision but it feels a little mean to exclude a 3yo on these grounds and I don't know of any other dance/theatre schools that do this. But I also don't want to be "that mum" and figure it will just ruin our relationship with the dance school.

One word - safeguarding.

Yep no dads backstage at our dance school either. It's a thing. I'm grateful that it's a thing although also sorry to hear it means your son is missing out in this instance. Does it have to be 1:1 chaperoning? Could one of the other mums from the dance class be his nominated chaperone?

This is the reality of the need to safeguard women and children. Something like 98% of perpetrators of sexual abuse and assault are male. Whilst women, can and do pose a risk, the disparity between the risks of each sex are monumental.

It seems like a sensible policy to have in place.

So why don't yhe pupils ( male and female) need to be safeguarded from the mothers?

My DDs dance school had male chaperones for the older boys. They had big dance shows, in proper theatres so were always in a separate room. All chaperones were DBS checked and properly licensed by the LA.

I honestly can't remember for the younger ones shows. Up until 8yo they just had shows in the local hall and everyone was backstage together - each child had a parent with them in a big room.

Because statistically men are much more likely to be perpetrators of sexual abuse.... by a significant margin.

If you want to discuss it with them @PurBal look up proportionality in a safeguarding context. Those responsible for safeguarding should provide the least intrusive response appropriate to the risk presented.

I would ask the teacher if parents are allowed to chaperone two children since you cannot go and see if another mum at the school can do it (i assume so as surely some people have two children there). I would not ask if your partner can go.

Yes, it’s a thing. Our dance school is the same.

Once you’ve chaperoned backstage with quick changes and young girls in states of undress everywhere you’ll be glad of it.

Talk to the teacher about whether someone else can chaperone for your DD. Most schools have lots of helpers with the 3-year-olds so will probably be able to help you.

Don’t let your husband make it about him. It really is a very important rule. I wouldn’t send my DC to a dance school that had male chaperones in the dressing rooms.

Yes it’s a thing and it makes sense. I don’t suppose you know any of the other mums well enough to ask them to help out on the day? Failing that talk to the teacher! Not to try persuade her to allow DH in, because that would be completely wrong, but maybe she could help your DS herself or enlist one of the older teens so he can still do the show and Dad can watch from the audience.

Can you DH get your son ready somewhere else then just hand him off to one of the other chaperones if he has to wait backstage for any time?

This is also a really good idea to put to them!

Thanks for the replies! I'll see if another mum is allowed to do it. I don't know any of the other mums unfortunately so hopefully the dance school can help.

It seems a fair rule, but unfair not to have a separate procedure for any small children without a female carer available.

I'm sorry but this is not a relevant statistics. Because of those, how many are known to the victims? The majority (sadly).
So I absolutely agree that changing rooms for teenage girls should not have men present. I don't think that communal changing rooms which are mixed sex presumably for 3 year olds need to exclude fathers.
Cn you speakto dance school about a male changing room ?

Also what about the older boys... where do they go?

They have to have this in order to meet safeguarding. If they didnt they would have to pay a licenced chaperone. Small dance schools probably don't have the funds to do that.

Doesn't mean they have the right to discriminate.why should a boy be happier getting changed in front of strange women than a girl getting changed on front of strange men?
Neither way round is acceptable and the school need to have separate changing facilities

You don't have even one female friend or relative? At all?

Agreed.

Men pose far more of a risk to small boys than women do.

At our dance school, all chaperones have to be DBS checked. I don't know about men, but I can easily imagine that no men are allowed, even if DBS checked, simply because the chaperones are with the chldren while they're changing but these are open plan spaces so it would be inappropriate. I cn see a situation where a specific male chaperone may be sought for the purpose of chaperoning boys, particularly older boys who may have the same privacy issue of not wanting to be in open plan changing areas with a woman, but realistically, most local dance schools have few boys and the ones they do have are at the younger end.

What happens if the child has two dads as their parents? Their parents aren’t allowed backstage at all?!

It seems an odd rule. Surely there is a space where the older boys are changing so why can't that be the space used by any dad's chaperoning?

It's because men are statistically much more likely than women to abuse children of both sexes, but particularly girls.

You must know this. Your whataboutery is ridiculous.