Living with in law's

[YellowChick56]

So am I being unreasonable?!

We have a 7 month old baby. We have lived in rented accommodation which has recently become uninhabitable after all the rain and the condition of the property has made me and our baby ill.

We are now living with the in laws which I'm very grateful for. However, I'm sure they don't want us there long term.

My partner has put off finding anywhere else to rent for the past 12 months and trying to get him to provide paperwork to even look at applying for a mortgage is like pulling your own teeth out.

We now have most of our stuff in storage and no idea of what we are going to do.

Do I just go out and buy or rent a small place on my own if he's not willing to help me? He has said I can't take our baby away from him which I wasn't planning to do but I feel like we need some stability and not to keep moving around. He is happy to stay with his family and doesn't see the problem. It's like banging my head against a brick wall. This has pushed me to the point I have thought of leaving him and moving back to near where my family live but I know he would try and stop that as it's 2 hours away and he would want baby with him.

Currently very frustrated with the whole situation which could have been avoided!

This is not our babies home, it is your home and it's not suitable for us as a family. (You give him the keys and say) This is our family, come and be a family with his, home baby is with me if you don't come. Join us.
And leave it with him the decision.

Do you get in well with your in-laws?
Sit them down and explain and get them onside to clearly say this wasn't supposed to be forever. XX is ready to move, you have until xx to make other plans. We love you but It's time.
And all stick the the line as much as he protests.

What is all the trying to stop you stuff?
just take the baby and go to your family, I wouldn’t even tell him you are leaving. Call him when you get there and tell him straight you are not going back until he has a place for you all. End of story.

You are the primary parent, it's nothing to do with you working and hiim not. You do most of the childcare and work. He does 1 day.
Ignore his BS the home you make will be the primary home.
He will get visitation and overnights eventually. But the baby is too young
From 2, we had a 2/2/3 pattern but bottle fed and I didn't have the funds to contest.
It'll be about blding up contact and he will need to be seen to have a suitable living situation a baby room and a room for him, so 2 beds. He's clueless and just emotionally blackmailing you and telling you mistruths to keep you in line.
It's going to be ok.

He can stop you moving more than an hour away, so back to family though as court tends to want families to stay close to co-parent. It's not always the case but you'd need a very strong case to do it. The strategy may be get a job and a place near parents, go, and ask for forgiveness not permission but a court could force you back depending on how far. It's a risk, but it's a risk to ask to go upfront and be declined too. It's not impossible, but it's a difficult one is all I'm saying.

We have lived in rented accommodation which has recently become uninhabitable after all the rain and the condition of the property has made me and our baby ill

What a shame you went to live with his parents rather than just find a different rental! We haven’t had any particular rain here-was it very bad where you are?

I wouldn’t be living with my in laws at all-that would t work, so if I were you, I’d be finding the best thing I could afford and leaving asap. If he goes to court and makes you agree 50/50, then worry about that when it happens.

Is his plan to live with mummy and daddy for ever more?! I bet they are as thrilled as you are!

He can say he wants 50:50 but he’ll backtrack the minute he realises there’s work and expense involved.

He’s only saying that to upset you OP. You hold all the cards.

His weapons are fear and manipulation. He’s not offering anything useful so he’s turned nasty.

You’re the primary parent and he, like it or not, is not a proper dad. He’s pretty awful, to be honest, and now is the time when women find out.

Don’t make it a big deal, but go see some flats this weekend. Tell your family about the threats, as calmly as you can manage.

No court will take your baby away, FGS. Even if he wanted his DC, which will be very unlikely when it boils down to it.

I am seeing a few, won't take "your" baby away comments. Its not"her" baby its Their baby. As the father he has as much legal right for the baby to stay with him as she does.

I would have no patience for his crap. Tell him you two are xx years old and living at home with his parents is for teenagers so is he going to choose a place to rent/buy with you or is he choosing to stay at his parents. Let him take you to court. And dumb him if he does as this is ridiculous.

He cannot stop you moving out by saying his parents’ place is the baby’s home.

He can apply to court for custody arrangements and may get 50/50.

In your shoes, I would look into renting a small place near his parents’ place and moving there with baby.

Neither you nor the mortgage company can assume he will contribute to childcare costs on the days you have baby. If it is 50/50 then neither of you will pay the other anything.

You say he is a good parent but a good parent would pay for things for their child, why is it down to you? Does he actually look after your child on his day off or his parents?

Be careful OP. My friend rented a house and informed her husband that she was leaving with the children. He managed to obtain an emergency court order preventing her removing the children from the family home. She was only able to leave once she had agreed to 50/50 shared care. If you are thinking of leaving, get yourself some legal advice asap.

im reading this as controlling behaviour. Is there a local women’s charity you can speak to for some information/support.

Yes, you are ‘allowed’ to leave with the baby and find somewhere on your own. I agree with the poster who suggested giving him a timescale and stating that you will be actively looking for properties. He can either be a grown up and do this with you or live like a child with mummy for the rest of his life. Although to be honest are you sure you want him to come with you? He sounds pathetic and borderline controlling.
He could take you to court, but the best he would get would be 50% access. No court would order that a child has to stay at a particular address or with a particular parent full time unless there were safeguarding concerns. And some judges aren’t even keen to award 50% access when it’s a baby who has never stayed away from its mother. Mediation would have to happen before it would get to court I would imagine.

Good advice but would the mother in laws home count as ‘the family home’ in this scenario? The poster only wants to take reasonable steps to secure a family home for them

Sorry you are struggling with this, sounds like he has no interest in your perspective at all.

I am certainly no expert, but you need to be very cautious about buying a house/taking out a mortgage on your own and get some legal advice. As you are married, all of your money and assets belong to both of you so it might be that if you did later divorce he would be entitled to half the house even if his name wasn't on it and he hadn't technically contributed.

OP has called him “partner” throughout, I don’t think they are married

I'm not sure - OP said they've been in the house for a year and the husband has no plans to leave which makes me think he could make a case for it being the child's family home? That's why I think she needs proper legal advice.

You need to speak to a solicitor. You can take the baby with you, but you need to do things the right way.

Would be helpful to know what country you’re in so women’s and bs ire resources could be pinned for you in this post,

i had exactly this with my ex h, I could never understand why he wouldn’t buy another house or rent, he seemed oblivious to the fact that me him and 3 children living with his mum and dad was not suitable … I had no idea until about 2 years afterwards that he had huge gambling debts that he had hidden from me!

He's using your child as a weapon here to control your next move 😬🙄 he forbids you to leave with baby.

Please OP. Seek some legal advice, and observe the other behaviours because this isn't the right way to treat the mother of his child.

As parents we don't have rights, we have parental responsibilities.

It's the children that have the rights, but, on a side note, this has the potential to get nasty 😒

I left my house for various other reasons (seperation) I was forbidden to take my children, but, he refused to leave, and had I stayed I'd probably not be here, I then left unknowingly I gave his 'status' quo over our children.

I see them for 4.5 hours a fortnight. It has broken my heart, and this man OP is referring to, is exactly how my ex was, and it didn't end well.