Living with in law's

[YellowChick56]

So am I being unreasonable?!

We have a 7 month old baby. We have lived in rented accommodation which has recently become uninhabitable after all the rain and the condition of the property has made me and our baby ill.

We are now living with the in laws which I'm very grateful for. However, I'm sure they don't want us there long term.

My partner has put off finding anywhere else to rent for the past 12 months and trying to get him to provide paperwork to even look at applying for a mortgage is like pulling your own teeth out.

We now have most of our stuff in storage and no idea of what we are going to do.

Do I just go out and buy or rent a small place on my own if he's not willing to help me? He has said I can't take our baby away from him which I wasn't planning to do but I feel like we need some stability and not to keep moving around. He is happy to stay with his family and doesn't see the problem. It's like banging my head against a brick wall. This has pushed me to the point I have thought of leaving him and moving back to near where my family live but I know he would try and stop that as it's 2 hours away and he would want baby with him.

Currently very frustrated with the whole situation which could have been avoided!

Do you have the funds to rent or buy by yourself OP? If so, let him know, as calmly as possible, that this is not a sustainable solution and he has until X date to rent somewhere new with you as a family, otherwise you'll be moving into a place of your own with the baby.

Thanks for your response. Yes I have funds and the ability to get a small mortgage as I work full time but it would depend on how mortgage company would class the childcare fees as that would restrict me if my partner didn't help pay for it.

My other concern is that would I be allowed to have baby live with me? He has told me under no circumstances can I take baby away from him and that his parents house is babies home. It's not my intention, he's babies dad but for my sanity I need somewhere stable to live.

He does sound rather settled at his parents house. Have you tried showing him properties? It might get him a bit more excited to move out.

I have shown so many properties even when we were renting the old mouldy house. He makes excuses up and says "Yes, we will see" and then it all goes quiet. It's all very strange and he cant understand why I'm so stressed. Trying to work full time, look after a 7 month old on little sleep. Moving house and never being able to find stuff as it's all chucked into storage. I can't relax and try and stay out the house as much as I can with baby so we aren't in the way. It's not what I pictured the first year of being a mum. I had to go back to work when baby was a few months old as partner couldn't afford for me not to work. At my wits end

I'd go to your parents for an extended stay. Presumably you are on mat leave and primary carer so he can't dictate to you where you go and stay with the baby.

You can move back with him when he's sorted somewhere to live that you agree to.

Cross post.

I think he has monies issues and stay at his parents is cheap/free.

Move on your own and don't let him move in and be a cock lodger.

He could have a lot of debt and poor credit rating hence not being able to rent or buy and hiding it from you.

I had to go back to work full time when baby was a few months old as he didn't earn enough to pay bills at the time and I only got SMP.

That's what I initially thought but he has received a rather large inheritance so has a lot more available funds than I do. I always end up paying for most baby stuff as well and I earn less than he does.

I always end up paying for most baby stuff as well and I earn less than he does.

He sounds like an absolute waste of space.

You do sound like you'd be far better off in your own place. Don't forget to claim CMS from him.

Are you the babies primary parent? He's not a SAHP is he? Is the baby breastfeeding still?

He's not a partner is he? He doesn't support you or DC and when you complain, he threatens you. I'd start doing some research on how you will manage as a single parent and don't tell him. Plus he can't say things like his parent's home is the baby's home.

Baby goes to nursery for most of the week. I felt bad to begin with but luckily baby loves it and they take such good care of him.

My concern is that if I buy or rent my own place, will he try and keep the baby living with his parents or if my partner wants to stay living with his parents, do we then have to split babies time between us which I don't want to do.

Sorry OP but I hope you realise you have two children- a baby, and an overgrown man child.

Leave him for goodness sake. Start the ball rolling today.

Let him take you to court. I bet you your court fees he won’t.

It has crossed my mind. My concern is that I have no family support here and he keeps telling me if we ever split baby is staying with him as his home is here. Turn on what to do. He's a good dad but partner not so much it feels like.

Don't feel bad about the baby going to nursery - that's what you had to do when you went back to work.

How much does he do with the baby when he's at home? Could he argue he's the primary parent?

He can't stop you leaving and if you're the primary parent (or it's shared) he's very unlikely to get a court order taking the baby from you. He will obviously be entitled to time with the baby.

It's very common for some men to start showing their true colours during pregnancy and shortly after.

The only way he can stop you from moving within the U.K. with the baby is by going to court.

This is expensive and a hassle.

He can't stop you moving out with the baby without a court order.

So he could in theory apply to court for a prohibited steps order (a don't do this order) but a court would be very unlikely to separate a 7 month old from it's mum and also this tends to be used for stopping parents taking kids abroad etc etc.

Separate from that he could apply for a child arrangements order which is made when you are separating or divorcing however mediation usually happens first and again courts are extremely reluctant to separate mothers and babies.

www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce

He looks after baby one day a week as he wanted to save childcare fees. I do bath time every night and sort baby out evenings and morning. I also have baby most of the weekend unless we are all doing something together. I guess he could argue he is the primary parent as I work full time because we can't afford for me not to work as I have a stable income and he doesn't.

I am just concerned if we did split which I hope it doesn't come to. He will try and stop me moving back to where my family live due to the distance. I obviously would want baby to come and live with me and I would put baby in nursery with my nephew and have family support in case baby ever ill or needed picking up from nursery and I wasn't able to go straight away

That is nice to hear. I wouldn't want him living with his dad full time if we separated as that would break my heart. I feel like I've missed out on so much already by sending him to nursery so young but it's what I had to do to keep a (damp) roof over our heads at the time

You will end up sharing the baby if you leave him, & he stays with Mummy & Daddy.
I would look for somewhere to live near nursery/work/ PIL as ultimately it will make your life easier.
In the mean time you could go to Dparents to show him you are serious.
He is not your Boss. He does not get to make the rules.

Looking after the baby one day a week doesn't make him primary parent.

You do all the nights, all the mornings, all the weekends and I'll bet you do the making of doctors appointments, vaccination appointments etc

That's what I always wanted to avoid happening and never thought we would be in this situation until we had to move out of the rented house. I tried my hardest to get him to move to another rented house but we need to move quickly as it was causing my baby breathing problems

He's getting worse and worse.

So he pays for nothing?

He's bloody miserly.

If it went to court you would at least get 50:50.

He did pay for half main bills but I buy all the extra stuff for baby, clothes, buggy, car seat etc.

50/50 sounds so awful

OP he sounds such a cheapskate! All your updates about his attitude to money has convinced me he’ll never move out as long as it’s cheaper to stay with his parents.

Well that's the most he'd get.

Once he had to do the overnights and nursery runs, pay for nursery when he works he may not be so keen.