Ultimatum on a baby

[AllTheSmallThings1]

Hi all, just after some advice. Been with my husband for 10+ years, we are in our 30s. When we got married, we both assumed that we wouldn't want children because of hobbies/lifestyle but my husband has now decided that he does. All of our friends and family of similar age now have children.
I really don't have much desire to have a baby at this point in time (or maybe ever, I don't feel like I'm missing out at the moment) but would be willing to do so for the marriage - however, there are so many concerns that I don't know where to start.

1. My husband earns significantly more than me and works longer hours so I do pretty much all housework & cooking. I can't imagine he would help with any of it so I would just be doing even more with a baby. I love my sleep and free time so it's a huge concern
2. Arguments about money - constant pointing out that he spends more whereas I feel that's irrelevant as he earns more and we're married. This would be worse with extra expense
3. His hobbies being incompatible with a baby, leaving me worried I would be on my own all the time while he does his things
4. Lack of support - I have spoken about my concerns in terms of housework, finances, physical impact of childbirth and I expected him to say 'don't worry about anything, I know I want the baby more than you but we'll make it work'. Instead when I asked him if he would still love me the same if I put lots of baby weight on, he couldn't say yes, and appears to only have fantasies about a baby boy and boy things they would do together. I also spoke about my worries of a child with learning or behavioural issues but he didn't seem interested in discussing worst case which is key for me as I know I couldn't deal with a child with additional needs
5. He has said that I'm simply not enough for him on my own and he just wants a baby and to have a family. Maybe I'm really naive but I always thought marriage was for better and for worse, together, baby or no baby, and I thought it was a cruel thing to say to your spouse

Ultimately it can go 2 ways - he'll be the best dad in the world or he'll be terrible and I'll be stuck with a baby I had mainly for the sake of the marriage. What do I do? This is now an ultimatum and I am cornered in for an answer..

He sounds like an awful husband already, what makes you think he'd be any better to you if you had a baby? What makes you think he'd be a good father? What makes you think he'd be a good father to a daughter? What makes you think he'd be a good father to a disabled child?

If you have a baby with this arsewipe you WILL be left doing everything, he WILL continue to treat you abysmally.

Don't ever have a baby unless you yourself want one 1000% And NEVER have a baby with a man like this, that would be cruel to the child at the very least.

Men like this don't deserve wives and children.

A baby isn’t something to be compromised on IMO. You don’t want one so he either accepts that or leaves. It sounds like he wouldn’t be worth missing if he did leave.

Oh dear, no don't have a baby with this man. Parenting is hard even at the very best of times, and it sounds like you would be a single parent when you don't even want a child. I'd be very wary that he'd start to compromise your contraception, so just be careful.

Thanks all - I feel awful because I can see how he genuinely wants children and his face lights up around them but equally I fully suspect he would only want to do the fun stuff, not nappies, feeding and bathtime. We have a dog and I've seen the behaviour when the dog is sick / unwell / needs a bath, as I deal with that on my own.
Feel really down to be honest because I don't understand how you can want an imaginary baby more than you want your wife...

You know he wouldn’t be the best dad in the world. It’s a fantasy of his. And he’s a dreadful husband. Having a baby with him would be a terrible, terrible decision because (a) you don’t want to be a mother and (b) he's already horrible and adding a baby into the mix will make your life ten times worse.

Tell him that not only do you not really want children op but that even if you did you wouldn't want children with a man like him, give examples of how he is with the dog, let him know that he isn't father material because let's face it he isn't.

He wants to have a baby because he can easily opt out of the actual work of raising and caring for a baby, nothing changes for him but enjoying the good bits when they happen, everyone would have 10 babies if they could have that deal.

It it not the same for women.

So many red flags OP. Please dont have a baby with him it will be hell. He will not give up his work and hobbies and you will be a skivvy.

Do not have a baby with him, he sounds awful.

Honey I'm so sorry, but I urge you to get out now.

I had a baby because my DH wanted me to, not because I wanted to. It was a disaster. Huge mistake. Once that kid is born, it cannot be undone!

Don't do it. Even if he promises you he'll step up, he won't. It'll fall on you.

Don't wreck your life.

So he has told you and shown you he isn't hands on now. You know what they say about that....

Having a baby should never be an ultimatum so there is your answer.

Bringing a new person into the world should be about two people being equally committed to parenting and how this can be achieved.

Your DH sounds like he wants an incubator and a nanny.

So hard no until he starts thinking about how he is going to parent.

That starts with him looking after the dog and putting the effort in there.

Earning more money in a relationship doesn't give you free rein to outsource your responsibilities in a relationship.

He doesn't sound very nice if I'm honest.

Say no.

Then say no again.

Then keep saying no.

Classic case of the kid wanting what all his friends have, then losing interest in it.

You, the one who wasnt sure about having a kid at all, will be the one with the fucked up career, no independent money, doing even more house work. He will be doing his "not kid friendly" job and hobby, and will not pull his weight. You will divorce anyway because give it a few years you will be sick of this and leave him.

Better to split now without some poor child in the mix who's father is very very part time at best and who;s mother is doing her best with little money and no support.

The fact is that a child with extra needs is a possibility you need to consider.

Being a single mother with a feckless "I want that new toy!!! Oh....I dont want it anymore" ex, paying all the rent and bills yourself and trying really trying to rebuild your career with no support is even more shit than it sounds.

That is your future.

Its not looking much like Happy Ever Afters, is it?

It’s your body. He should support you. He is very daft for just wanting a baby and not discussing anything else.

You obviously have reservations and he should see that. I would only have a baby if I wanted one and if I was willing to take on all the responsibilities of the worst happens - as let’s face it, unless you choose to walk away from the child, it falls on the woman.

You could give him an ultimatum back. He has a year to show you XYZ. Of course the worry is that he will just go back to his old habits, but is he willing to change or take on anything for you? If not, I’d put the ball back in my court and let him know there is no baby without certain conditions.

Don't have a baby with him. Even if you really, really want a family some day, don't choose him as a father. He doesn't sound great as a husband either

He wants to be a father. He does not want to be a parent. And especially not to a girl - does this neanderthal understand that the sperm determines gender?

He's waving his red flags at you like he's on acid. Take heed.

Quite apart from what has already been mentioned... the disparity in earnings and his attitude to finances should be enough to put you off. You'd risk becoming dependent on him, and he'd rub your face in it at every opportunity.

Mumsnet is full of low earning mothers who didn't go back to work after maternity leave 'because it wasn't worth it due to the cost of childcare' and who end up high and dry if the marriage breaks down.

“Arguments about money - constant pointing out that he spends more whereas I feel that's irrelevant as he earns more and we're married.” I really don’t follow this.
What I have gleaned is that it’s all about him, what he wants and his inability to be a team member. He doesn’t nurture the dog and, in his eyes, you only have a function to provide a future playmate for him. The details which PP have mentioned are inconsequential to him.
Even if I was keen to gave a baby I wouldn’t have one with him. I’d be packing up now.

Your concerns are very valid and it’s good that you’re considering them before having a baby and being stuck with the consequences.

Have you voiced your worries to him ? Would he willingly downgrade his hobbies etc and throw money at practical problems like childcare and cleaners so that you’re not stuck with the hard work?

Don't baby trap yourself.

If you are not 100 percent certain you want a child, you do not want a child. So do not have one.

If you are not 100 percent certain you want a child because YOU want one (and not for any other silly reason like an attempt at holding onto a man) then you do not want a child. So do not have one.

The sad thing is that majority of people who are parents these days...probably never should have been. Kids are not for everyone, and that's OK. So don't fuck up your life.

*have a baby, not gave

Tbh op he actually sounds borderline abusive (in a passive, mysoginistic sort of way) and I suspect it would get worse if you get pregnant.

Make sure to bulletproof your birth control if you stay (which you shouldn't). Condoms always. Always. AND whatever other birth control you cam get on. And ideally buy the condoms yourself and keep them somewhere only you have access to.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could fling him.
Then again, he's grim, so I wouldn't stay with him in the first place, let alone shag him.

Your concerns are very valid. Those things would be a lot worse with a child. He sounds like he'd make a great Disney Dad while you did all the work. I imagine it would suit him very well to split and have the kid as a weekend hobby. While complaining you were fleecing him

Oh, just seen he is off doing his hobbies all the time, so he may not even bother with the kid at the weekend, unless to show it off to people

Don't have a baby. If he leaves you over this then so be it. But do NOT have a baby you don't want with this man who will leave you to do all the work.