Ultimatum on a baby

[AllTheSmallThings1]

Hi all, just after some advice. Been with my husband for 10+ years, we are in our 30s. When we got married, we both assumed that we wouldn't want children because of hobbies/lifestyle but my husband has now decided that he does. All of our friends and family of similar age now have children.
I really don't have much desire to have a baby at this point in time (or maybe ever, I don't feel like I'm missing out at the moment) but would be willing to do so for the marriage - however, there are so many concerns that I don't know where to start.

1. My husband earns significantly more than me and works longer hours so I do pretty much all housework & cooking. I can't imagine he would help with any of it so I would just be doing even more with a baby. I love my sleep and free time so it's a huge concern
2. Arguments about money - constant pointing out that he spends more whereas I feel that's irrelevant as he earns more and we're married. This would be worse with extra expense
3. His hobbies being incompatible with a baby, leaving me worried I would be on my own all the time while he does his things
4. Lack of support - I have spoken about my concerns in terms of housework, finances, physical impact of childbirth and I expected him to say 'don't worry about anything, I know I want the baby more than you but we'll make it work'. Instead when I asked him if he would still love me the same if I put lots of baby weight on, he couldn't say yes, and appears to only have fantasies about a baby boy and boy things they would do together. I also spoke about my worries of a child with learning or behavioural issues but he didn't seem interested in discussing worst case which is key for me as I know I couldn't deal with a child with additional needs
5. He has said that I'm simply not enough for him on my own and he just wants a baby and to have a family. Maybe I'm really naive but I always thought marriage was for better and for worse, together, baby or no baby, and I thought it was a cruel thing to say to your spouse

Ultimately it can go 2 ways - he'll be the best dad in the world or he'll be terrible and I'll be stuck with a baby I had mainly for the sake of the marriage. What do I do? This is now an ultimatum and I am cornered in for an answer..

My guess is he won't leave as its more important for him to maintain his maid and housekeeper. Chances are the baby idea is just to further tie her in.

He will likely start looking to replace her though and THEN leave once he's got a new person (mug) lined up.

So if you don't want a kid op, which is clear you don't, then take the reigns and leave him.

Even if he was a nice person it would still be the right thing to leave, as you both want different things and his sperm quality is decreasing by the day (apparently, more genetic issues actually come about as a result of older mens sperm than older women eggs, so his clock is ticking).

He sounds like a terrible husband so if you want a happy life, I wouldn’t even consider staying with him, never mind having a child with him. It’ll be shit for you and the child having a father that is only interested in the fun stuff. And what if it’s a girl?

So many red flags.

He sounds like an awful man. No husband who truly loves his wife tells her she's not enough for him on her own. I wouldn't have a baby with him OP, you'll end up doing everything and feeling massive resentment. I'd leave him, it would be better to be alone than have to live with such a selfish, unkind and disrespectful man.

The only reason you’ve given as a ‘pro’ is that his face lights up when he’s around them. The list of ‘cons’ is extensive and based on evidence and experience. He’s a dreadful bully OP. Why are his wants greater than yours?
You say you’re considering a baby to save your marriage…..a marriage that he clearly isn’t interested in. So sorry you’re with this awful man.

Thanks everyone. I have raised my concerns when he first brought the baby thing up about a year ago, he said he would help out more if we lived closer to his work and he really wanted a family with me, wanted to do all the things like a cute announcement with the dog being 'big brother' etc. So I said okay lets move and you help out more (was willing to give it a chance as it seemed a shame to just end a long relationship without trying). We moved and nothing really changed. His idea of housework is DIY (which he does do) but obviously it's a one off and hanging a mirror up isn't the same as cleaning and cooking every single day time / effort wise.
The long hours he does are partially by choice (works a lot of hours outside his contracted hours - talking office job here) and partially by his work culture, it was another thing I raised as a concern and he said his job pays for the life we have.
We have a big house but other than that have normal holidays and the disposable income he has primarily goes on his hobbies, so if his job was paying same as mine, we would just have a smaller house, with no detriment to the rest of the lifestyle (although he disagrees with that). My idea of a life with a 'rich' husband would be having a cleaner etc as I do work full time too, albeit rarely over my normal 9 to 5.
He said he would sort out his work boundaries and work less if we had a baby but he works more as he has nothing to come back home for (ie, no baby and me and the dog are not enough). He also said that if I wanted a baby, I would be happy to do all the extra work and to make it work... So think the expectation is that I have money but also I'm a full time mum at the same time!
He is not a nice man - I didn't marry well but kept hoping things would get better. Genuinely starting to think might as well live on my own albeit a divorce would be very messy money wise I'm sure.

He sounds selfish and horrible and does not show and traits that would be a good indicator of a good father, never mind a husband.

It doesn't sound like a happy and loving relationship. Don't have a baby but also consider if you want this to be your life.

Glad you can at least see he is not a nice man.

Divorce is horrible and messy, but the alternative is a lifetime of being with a horrible man.

RUN

You're still young enough to find happiness OP. Don't saddle yourself with this man and more importantly don't give a child this tosser for a father.

Oh wow, sorry OP. You sound like a lovely and a very smart person so just watch out for yourself.

He is not a nice man

Divorce him and enjoy life. I'm blissfully childfree and life is perfect. There is absolutely no need for you to waste another minute of your life on this shit man.

Do not have a baby if you don’t want one. Having children is very hard work and you need to be all in, or you could end up hating your life and resenting your child.

There is no half way house between one person wanting a child and the other not wanting one. The only way forward is to divorce. But given what you have said about your husband, I think that would be better for you anyway. Why stay married to a man you describe as not being nice or supportive? Not having had children is a blessing in this situation as you can walk away without worrying about the emotional consequences and logistics of that.

This situation provides an easy out for you - take it. And good luck.

Leave. He'll make you the nanny.

If the significantly more that he earns has room for a daily cleaner and a nanny, I would consider it in your shoes. Otherwise, no.

Do not have a baby with someone you describe as not a nice man - for the child’s sake if nothing else.

I’m 2 weeks into a newborn with my husband who is the kindest, most caring, helpful, clean, tidy, equal partner who has been on hand 24/7 to support us and it’s been the most challenging 2 weeks. I can’t imagine doing it with someone who didn’t support me in every single way.

It is completely legitimate not to want children. That's it really.

It is also legitimate to want children. And to be minimally fair to him, his version of wanting children and parenthood probably does look very like a lot of families. Him genuinely liking being a dad, but not really there very much, a mother who passionately wanted children, though didn't realise that she would be effectively a single parent, but sucking it up because she loves her kids and her career is toast because he's never available so she genuinely is dependent on him (and he reminds her of it frequently).

I'm very sure that if you leave him, he will be with someone else within weeks, and she'll be pregnant within a year. I should think you'll be quite happy tbh. You might even find that with a completely different person, you might want a baby. It's not impossible. Right now your impressive ability to analyse the situation has saved you. (I'm so very happy I didn't have a miniature version of my xh).

This.

Reevaluate the marriage.

I can tell you now that even great husbands often become terrible husbands once children are around.
He sounds awful op.
O would strongly advise you not to have a child with this man.
He will not step up.
You will be left either;
doing virtually all the hard slog on your own and feeling very resentful.
Or
single after one if you leaves.
He sounds like the type to dump you anyway for a younger model once you struggle to lose the baby weight and are no longer a sex doll.
He will not get better- they never, ever do!

This!

The problem here is not that he changed his mind. That happens. But I don't think he is aware of how hard it can be to have children.

I have a toddler and a baby - they are both amazing, sleeping through, and very chill. My husband is the best father, and I receive all the support I need. I still find it hard and overwhelming sometimes. I can't even imagine how my life would be if I had a useless husband....
He created an image in his head about how his life would be if he had a son, but it's very unrealistic.
If you choose to have a child with him, you need to be prepared to raise two; he definitely acts like one.

Don't have a baby for that reason OP. It sounds like he's got a fantasy. These men feel able to opt out if the fantasy isn't met. So it'll go, you aren't enough for him and the baby is a topper so he's out.

He doesn't sound like much of a husband anyway.

Maybe its not a fair thing to say but, if actually loved someone, I wouldn't let them go for an imaginary child. Let alone one that may never exist because there's no guarantee I'd meet someone else who would want one with me.

That being said, I also wouldn't want to risk the health and wellbeing of the person I loved for a child either. Fair enough if she really, really wanted one I guess, but I'd be a nervous wreck!

I know I don't want kids so that's one less thing to worry about. But it still makes me really uncomfortable the ease of which many men say 'I want kids' when it's evident they either haven't educated themselves on the risks for their partner (so at best, naivety and at worst, deliberate ongoing ignorance) or, don't actually care.

All your worries are 100% legitimate and I think you know that they'll likely all come true if you have a baby with this man. Based off your last post, I'd not waste another second contemplating motherhood with him and instead spend your time contemplating your marriage. Sounds like you deserve much better.