Those who didn't want kids in your 20s but changed your mind, how was it?

[MagicJigsaw]

I'm in my late 20s. DP really wants to have a baby but I'm unsure. I've never felt any 'maternal instinct' and I've always found kids a bit annoying as I'm the sort of person who likes my peace and quiet, independence etc. What doesn't help is that I read all these horror stories online / in the papers of women who sacrifice their careers to have children and end up stuck doing a lifetime of difficult, thankless drudgery with no help from their partners.

My mum said that she never really liked kids in her 20s either, but she absolutely loved having me and found motherhood much easier than all the horror stories made her believe. She still found other people's children annoying but it was 'different' with me. Looking back, our house was always quiet and my mum never really sacrificed her career or independence. I was an only child which probably had something to do with it.

I suppose I'm trying to figure out if it's motherhood full stop that scares me or just a particular 'kind' of motherhood. I look at DP's sisters and feel utterly terrified - both of them gave up their careers to be SAHMs, their houses are always noisy and messy (one child will be watching Paw Patrol at full blast, another will be playing on the iPad at full blast, another will be playing with toys scattered all across the floor...), and it seems like they spend their lives running their children around to various schools, after school clubs, play dates etc. But then I look at my mum's life and that didn't seem so bad. The closest thing I've had to the responsibility of a child is the puppy I got last year, and that wasn't anywhere near as bad I thought it would be - we were a bit tired getting up in the night to feed her etc but we just got on with it.

I'd love to hear stories of anyone who was unsure about having children or who didn't particularly like children in their 20s. What made you change your mind and how did you find motherhood?

You're right, kids are annoying OP. I prefer it when they're more grown up. I did this four times to achieve that result. Had my eldest when I was 24. Youngest when I was 34.

just don't have them. your mom sounds terrible too. boring quiet house and no sacrifice. you have to sacrifice things for your kids.

I could not see myself with children and had no plans in my future with children then met my now husband aged 25 and knew straightaway i would have them with him.
I surprised myself at the time , we had 3, looking back i think i /we would have been happy without having them but i'm glad we did.

It isn’t possible to control what it will be like unfortunately. It’s a massive roll of the dice that way. Even outside of sen and things like that, you don’t know what kind of personality your kid will have and there’s really no way to know beforehand how you or your partner will respond to parenthood and all the ups and downs it brings. I didn’t want kids in my early to mid twenties. Then hormones started kicking in. I had my dd in my early thirties. It was just an overwhelming biological urge, I really wasn’t thinking too far ahead about what it would be like (apart from worrying). I couldn’t have imagined what my dd would be like. In a lot of ways her personality is opposite to mine and my dh’s. She is extroverted, what people used to call a “tom boy”, very strong willed and determined…she is lovely, very affectionate and interesting and so smart, but she needs a lot of attention (and believe me, trying to ignore that just doesn’t work at all) and from the time she was still inside me she has literally never stopped moving. She needs loads of exercise and loads of stimulation. I love her more than I ever could have imagined but it has been absolutely knackering and very challenging, I’m not going to lie. She also struggles with sleep (very very hard to get her to fall asleep and stay that way) and was extremely determined to stay in constant bodily contact with one or other of us for the first couple of years or so. She’s now in school and does sports and is doing really well but she’s still a tough cookie and I often get a feeling of genuine stone cold dread for what the teen years are going to be like.
I don’t say all this to put you off- I don’t regret becoming a parent at all, I really love it - but it’s a person you’re bringing into the world, sometimes they slot right in to your life, sometimes you need to change a lot to fit them comfortably in, but you need to have that capacity to be flexible. It’s like, they already are who they are, they just come through you and slowly unfold, it’s your job to nurture them and help them to unfold, but they’re their own person, from day one.
I also just want to add, again not to be a downer but just to offer another viewpoint, you probably do have lots of time, but personally, my fertility went off a cliff at 35. I didn’t believe it would happen but it was like a switch had been flipped. Doctors were not impressed by this at all, they just said Oh well, that’s normal 🤷‍♀️ Lots of people do manage it but for me, if I had waited any longer, it probably wouldn’t have happened for me. So my advice is to listen to your biological clock ticking. But above all, if the feeling that you really want a child, to love and nurture them no matter what happens isn’t greater than the doubts, don’t do it.

I am @Matildahoney, the same age, first baby last year, and will be trying again in the NY. Though we didn't make a conscious decision to try for a baby, she was an absolute accident, and we weren't 100% decided on going through with the pregnancy for months. And now we've got a bit of an in for a penny, in for a pound mentality and we're going to try for a second. I would say that we'd have been very happy without, but we're absolutely delighted that we did it

I for most of my 20s I adamantly didn't want kids then in my late 20s I started having doubts and worried that I'd regret having none.

In my early 30s I got pregnant and it's been way better than I ever imagined. I have this sense of contentment and happiness that I've never experienced before. It's like I still have all exactly the same surface emotions but at my core I feel this real sense of happiness.

I'm not saying everyone should have kids or it would be like that for everyone. There were lots of people on a recent thread who said they were happier before children but I cannot relate to that at all. Honestly all I ever heard about was how hard and awful it is having kids and I wish someone would have told me how amazing it was too as I was terrified.

With me though I think I did always want kids but I thought I'd be bad at it which is what made me not want them. I was always "good with kids" but being around other peoples kids was also really draining. It is tiring with my own but doesn't drain my social battery in the same way. Its the same as how being around my DH isn't as draining as being around other people.

I was also worried about the lack of freedom and not having free time and all the noise. Actually, the things I should have worried about are not the things that I did worry about.

Being around my son is my favourite thing. I am genuinely surprised at how much I enjoy his company and he's only 2. Him making noise doesn't bother me in the same way as it does other children and I have to keep reminding myself to be aware and alert of his noise so I don't accidentally let him be really loud and annoying to others as I don't notice it the same way.

Someone at work the other day told me they can't imagine having kids because they can't imagine having to spend money on their kid instead of themselves and they said they feel they are too selfish to do that. It made me smile because I had the same thoughts before having a child. But when I buy him things it's not like some martyr situation where I have to go without so he can have it even though secretly I wish I could buy something for myself. Getting him a new tractor toy honestly gives me so much joy like I'm a child again. Buying for him is so much more fun than buying for me. If anything it's selfish in the sense that I do it for my own joy.

Really not saying all this to convince you. Just to say that all of the hard bits you hear about are true but for me it's still the best thing I've ever done. That might not be your experience though. I do think the fact I went into it expecting it to be awful actually might have helped as it far exceeded my expectations.

I also think that there's this pressure on yourself because it's the biggest decision ever, and it is, but I don't actually agree that you need to be 100% sure to have them. I've never been 100% sure on any decision in my life. I'm a doubter. I worry. I think you just have to not put too much pressure on yourself to make the decision.

Either path will bring you happiness and challenges. Either one has it's good and bad parts. I was so paralysed with indecision and I read the first page of a book called the Baby Decision and couldn't continue as it made me cry.

Years later I realised I cried because very deep down I wanted a child but I was also telling myself all the reasons it would be better if I didn't. And I was scared I wouldn't be able to cope. I did know my answer deep down the whole time - just not consciously. I didn't need the book in the end but I have heard it's a good book.

Good luck and remember that either decision is a good one and will have a lot of great times ahead.

I didn’t really want kids in my 20s and am not naturally maternal. Kids didn’t feature in my life at all until mid 30s when friends started having them. I spent my early career building up savings to get myself in a good place financially and home-wise.My DP had always wanted to be a dad and I was neutral about it by that point, so we went for the “if it happens, it happens” approach. Had my DC in my late 30s and while I’m still not the biggest fan of kids, she is the most wonderful human being and I love being her mum. That being said, I have a very supportive partner who does his share and I still work full time and have my career. I will be honest it’s absolutely exhausting but the first couple of years have flown by so I keep that in mind and just try to enjoy it for what it is.

I decided as a child that I didn't want children of my own when I grew up. I remained certain of this in my teens and twenties.

No maternal instinct. No interest when colleagues brought their new babies into work.

Met dp who had always wanted children. Eventually decided that as I was just uninterested rather than really hating the idea and it was very important to my dp, I would try for a family to make him happy.

I had dd when I was 35 and have loved being a Mum. I would really have liked a 2nd child but it didn't work out for us. Having dd was the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I was so convinced I didn't want kids that I looked into getting sterilised. I only didn't go through with it because I found out it doesn't stop your periods, so I'd be on hormonal birth control anyway.

The important thing was that I changed my mind and decided I wanted kids, I wasn't influenced into it by anyone else. So there's no one else to blame on bad days, I have no one to be resentful of. If you're going into parenthood half hearted or to please someone else, I think you're in for a bad time.

Motherhood for me has been great, and I'm so glad I changed my mind. I feel that I did everything I wanted to do that had to be done child-free before I became a parent, so I'm happy to adapt my future plans to fit around my son. My life is fuller and more rewarding for getting to share it with my son and raise him. There are hard days of course and he can be really incredibly irritating at times, but I never regret my choice and the tough times are outweighed a hundredfold by the good.

Whatever you do, don't give in to your partner and have a baby just because he wants one.
Right now you don't want to be a mother and that's fine. You might change your mind later and you might not.

I said to myself no children in my 20s. I had my child at 32. One child i think is a really good happy medium. You get to experience motherhood and all the exciting things that come with it but can still live a balanced life of hobbies etc (assuming good partner).

I'd say it makes it even better if you have family support. We don't so if i also had a hopeless husband i may feel differently.

Definitely down to parenting styles/approaches - I have had children on my own (second due in 4 days) and my flat continues to be immaculate with a toddler because (a) I cleared a lot of adult stuff out before he was born, (b) he has a very limited amount of toys which actually helps him play better with them but also means easy to clean up and (c) I've always cleaned up as I go with him so he is used to playing / running around whilst i tidy away the dishes. So far no TV - though that will change as he gets older - but he is not quiet :) I always wanted children, despite having a very intense career, but even so having my son was so much more amazing than I could have imagined. Definitely helps if you have the finances to make life easier and also the mindset to be willing to make things easier for yourself which lots of modern parents struggle with as they see it as a failure (e.g. sleep training, not overcomplicating the kids activities you do, using some childcare, etc).

I was exactly the same as this, I'm 30 and had my little boy last July. I never liked other peoples kids other than my niece and I had never wanted kids until last year when the thought started entering my mind of what my life would look like when I'm older. I'm really close with my parents and couldn't really picture a life with not having that and that's what changed it for me. Me and my partner had spoken about it but hadn't really planned anything (he has 3 kids from a previous marriage which he unfortunately is no longer involved with so didn't really want any more) and then only a week after having my implant removed to see if it helped me lose weight I ended up catching pregnant. Honestly hated every second of being pregnant, his birth was a bit traumatic for me ending up having a c-section after 31 hours labor which honestly I have no plans of going through it all again but after the first week or so once I'd felt a bit better at home and got the chance to bond with my little one I couldn't imagine life any different now. Yes he pushes my patience especially now he's becoming a little toddler but he is the funniest, cuddliest and most beautiful little human I could have ever imagined and I would go through all of it again knowing the outcome of what I have with him now, I told myself every day to cherish these days as they go far too quickly. It's so exciting seeing him become a little boy walking around all clumsily and learning to talk and getting his own little personality. I would say rather than looking at the now and thinking of how hard it'll be (because it is hard when your life changes so much no matter what anyone says) think of what you would picture your future like in your 30's, 40's, 50's etc and go from there. Hopefully that will help you make your decision.

We had DS when I was about to turn 40, having not plsnned to have children at all. Honestly, there’s no standard experience of parenthood — if you don’t want to be a SAHM to three in a house that looks like an exploded toy shop, then don’t do it that way. The only woman I know who stopped working did so because it was, unexpectedly, a multiple birth, and she wasn’t particularly career-minded and decided to take time out. Two friends’ DHs were SAHPs for long periods. Having DS has been an excellent addition to our lives, not an explosion of it.