Those who didn't want kids in your 20s but changed your mind, how was it?

[MagicJigsaw]

I'm in my late 20s. DP really wants to have a baby but I'm unsure. I've never felt any 'maternal instinct' and I've always found kids a bit annoying as I'm the sort of person who likes my peace and quiet, independence etc. What doesn't help is that I read all these horror stories online / in the papers of women who sacrifice their careers to have children and end up stuck doing a lifetime of difficult, thankless drudgery with no help from their partners.

My mum said that she never really liked kids in her 20s either, but she absolutely loved having me and found motherhood much easier than all the horror stories made her believe. She still found other people's children annoying but it was 'different' with me. Looking back, our house was always quiet and my mum never really sacrificed her career or independence. I was an only child which probably had something to do with it.

I suppose I'm trying to figure out if it's motherhood full stop that scares me or just a particular 'kind' of motherhood. I look at DP's sisters and feel utterly terrified - both of them gave up their careers to be SAHMs, their houses are always noisy and messy (one child will be watching Paw Patrol at full blast, another will be playing on the iPad at full blast, another will be playing with toys scattered all across the floor...), and it seems like they spend their lives running their children around to various schools, after school clubs, play dates etc. But then I look at my mum's life and that didn't seem so bad. The closest thing I've had to the responsibility of a child is the puppy I got last year, and that wasn't anywhere near as bad I thought it would be - we were a bit tired getting up in the night to feed her etc but we just got on with it.

I'd love to hear stories of anyone who was unsure about having children or who didn't particularly like children in their 20s. What made you change your mind and how did you find motherhood?

You are still so young so please try not so worry and think you need to make this huge decision right now.

i am 34 and have never wanted children. Never has that maternal instinct and I’m very selfish with my free time and like doing things to my own schedule.

that being said, in the past year I have had little weird feelings that a baby may be something I’d be open to now and I find myself picturing my life with a child and not hating it!

you have plenty of time so just give yourself a break for now.

I've never felt any 'maternal instinct' and I've always found kids a bit annoying as I'm the sort of person who likes my peace and quiet, independence etc. What doesn't help is that I read all these horror stories online / in the papers of women who sacrifice their careers to have children and end up stuck doing a lifetime of difficult, thankless drudgery with no help from their partners.

This was/is me exactly. Never felt maternal at all, but fell pregnant with my one (and only) DS when I was 30 and had him at 31. Unplanned, as otherwise I don't honestly think I'd have ever made the decision to actively try for a baby.

My experience of parenting has been mixed. I don't enjoy it at all, objectively. I find it stressful, loud and a bit thankless at times. Exactly as I thought it would be basically. I miss the peace, order and freedom of my old life. But I also love DS immeasurably, more than I'd have ever thought it would be possible to love someone. And now that he's almost 6, I can have proper conversations with him and it's lovely to see him learn and develop and start to become his own little person. There really is nothing else like it.

I think it also probably helps that I didn't sacrifice my career when I had him. Quite the opposite, as I went back to a new role full time when DS was 8 months old and 5.5 years in I've managed to build a successful career, and am now in a very senior role working part time 3 days per week, which is my ideal. It helps that DH is supportive and does his fair share.

So overall, I don't regret becoming a parent at all, but I'd also never do it again.

Very similar to Yorkshirerose, although we did plan ours. A lot of it isn't much fun although getting better as he moves out of the toddler years. I am self employed and work part time, which helps, I have a bit of control over my time.

I really really didn't want children. Dreadful toddlers on buses, on planes, in pubs, shops. My mother had fertility issues and I'm the only child. This was ascribed to her having a recessed womb which I also have. Turns out that had nothing to do with it! However after having my first child I suddenly caught the bug
We went on to have another two natural children and adopt a further four. A total convert and can't imagine life without them!

I also fell for the "career first, family last" BS as a young woman. I was pretty indifferent when I had mine, but somehow ready for a change in lifestyle away from the work work work drudgery (I'm an older mom). Think about it - it's drudgery either way. But my mind was just absolutely blown away when DC was born. The realisation that "this was what it's all about". All the stuff about getting career etc is for economic/capitalistic purposes (not a bad thing exactly, eg making the country richer, and giving women more choice), but motherhood should never be devalued. It's amazing. The privilege of watching someone grow in front of you. The bond that you share. I now coo over babies, any baby, which is so not me 10 years ago.

There are risks/pitfalls of course. Doing it with the wrong partner. You absolutely need someone you can trust working with you. If he's not capable of childcare, then he has to earn the money for the family. It can't all be on you. Many SAHM's have a better work balance with their partners than non-SAHM's. Being a SAHM is a hell lotta work. Working while also being 100% responsible for the kids is even worse. I've been very lucky in that we both did part-time at the beginning (ie no loss in career) and WFH

PS: Having nightmare kids is more down to you and your parenting. You need to set boundaries for what you're happy with.

I was absolutely certain I didn't want children until I turned 30. Then the biological clock turned out to be very real for me and I ended up having 3! It surprised a lot of people, but nobody more than me.
It was hard work when they were little, I won't deny that. In fact it was exhausting at times. But I've never regretted and I enjoyed every stage at the time. I have had fairly "easy" children, apart from the early years when they all seemed to decide sleep was an optional extra, but no behaviour problems or off the rail teenagers or anything like that, and DH has very much pulled his weight.
I think you get a bit of a skewed view on forums like this because by their very nature so many of the posts are people seeking help. People are less inclined to post about positive things and hardly ever about "ordinary" things because they don't need to. So you could be forgiven for thinking all mums are struggling a lot of the time, and I don't think that's true. And social media has a lot to answer for. Whether it's "perfect parents" with their carefully coordinated children artistically posed for the camera or the "scummy mummies" filming their supposedly feral children whilst they swig wine, most of it is fake. Most of the families I know, and I volunteer at a kids club so I meet quite a few, are ordinary people, with ordinary lives that have ups and downs but nothing like the drama you see so much online.
I wouldn't say I am particularly "maternal" even now. I don't gush over other people's babies and never long to turn the clock back to when mine were little, but I loved them when they were tiny and I love them now. DH and I have managed to raise 3 happy, well balanced young adults - not geniuses or anything, but decent, kind and productive human beings - so I think we've done OK really, even though it was not our original plan at all! But equally, I don't think you have to have children if you don't want them. Just don't be put off by social media nonsense etc if it is what you want at some point.

I got married aged 33 and I had no plans to have any children. I changed my mind and had DD1 aged 38 and DD2 aged 42. I'm a sahm and I am loving it. I have to admit that having a lot of time for myself once the dcs was at school was a big motivation - work conditions in my previous career had become unpleasant and I had become disillusioned with it. Having young children is quite full-on but I planned it with a decent size gap so I wasn't juggling too much at once, and we are lucky to have the money for pre-school and lots of extracurriculars, and trips out, so I'm not forever entertaining them at home. DH is very hands-on after work and at weekends, so I am rarely dealing with 2 kids on my own. My eldest is in school and my youngest is in morning pre-school, so I have a decent amount of time to myself.

I did love being around my dcs for the first couple of years and didn't find it overwhelming or lonely like some parents do. I just liked taking them to classes or stay and plays and exploring the city with them. I did extended bfing with both (eldest until 3.5 years) and made bucket lists of loads of child-friendly places to visit, which has been quite fun. There are lots of activities near me where you can take a baby - films, theatre shows, walks, quizzes, raves., galleries. For me it's a bit of an ego trip to have my own dc, I like that they resemble me and have some of my mannerisms. I'm still not particularly fond of other people's children though and I'd never choose to work with kids or anything.

I don't have plans to return to work and I'm fortunate to have an income stream independently. Financially we're secure (I have a good pension and other investments for old age) and we also don't gatekeep any finances so neither of us has a veto on what our money is spent on.

I didn't want children when I was in my early 20s. My advice (which I acknowledge isn't easy to be 100% sure of in advance) is if you do have them, make sure you have them with the right person. You have a dog - who remembers to book its vets appointments? If it's always you, then it will definitely be you doing the child(ren)'s dr and dentist visits as well.

I haven't sacrificed my career - in fact I'm currently doing a three year professional qualification that involves quite a lot of studying outside of work and I have DH's full support. And when it comes to school things or appointments etc, DH genuinely does half.

And I never allow paw patrol on full blast!!

But don't have them just because your partner wants them, that's absolutely a recipe for resentment.

@user98786 has summed it up perfectly.

I had zero interest in kids in my 20s. I was all about my career, friends and travel. A switch flipped at about 31 and I decided I wanted to ttc. I ended up having one child after four rounds of ivf.

I'm still pretty career oriented. I do crave alone time occasionally but I love being a parent. The relentlessness of it is hard and there is always something to worry about but it is amazing to see something that starts off looking like an angry potato grow into an actual walking talking human being.

You might actually find your sister in laws chaos is actually great fun! I am in my forties now and children in secondary school but children do give a lot of enjoyment too! I loved all the birthday parties and watching sports competitions and play dates, and now they are older I look forward to the weekends and going to watch them in their sports or drama productions.

You're still really young, so I'd just park it for now. Think about it again in three or five years.

I hated the idea of having children in my 20s. Had them in late 30s, one of the best things I ever did, but so glad I lived my life to the full beforehand.

Also, other people's children put me off too. You don't have the same feelings about your own, just like the fact you wouldn't want to marry your brothers in law doesn't mean you feel any less for your own husband.

I didn’t particularly want kids well into my 30’s. I wasn’t anti, I was just a bit ‘meh’. Then I met DH, and he REALLY wanted them, it was clear he’d be a great dad and I figured we’d do it.

Thus far (still only have a toddler), motherhood isn’t as much fun as not being a mother. And my once glittering career is considerably less shiny. But, DC is AWESOME. And DH is the fantastic father I thought he’d be. So, swings and roundabouts.

We’re planning on having two, as don’t want an only child. But, I can honestly say that I’ve never felt the ‘need’ or ‘hunger’ for kids that one hears about. Now that I’m a mother, I obviously love my child, but I could have been perfectly happy child free.

Fully agree. Just having children doesn't mean your house has to be constantly noisy and messy nor that any days out or travel will be a nightmare. It's all about parenting and setting boundaries and standards of behaviour. Also about planning, i.e. having lots to occupy them on say a train journey or flight so they don't get bored. In our house, toys etc were always packed away at the end of the day for example, so the house was never messy.

I never felt maternal and wasn't able to make that huge leap to a decision.. although I suppose I did just that when I left it to chance.
Right through the pregnancy I felt nothing for my baby, it was just a bump that moved.

My maternal instinct was switched on like a light when she was screaming in hospital next to me in her cot and the nurse offered to take her to the nursery to let me rest.

Off she went.. after a few seconds I sat bolt upright and screamed in my head "That's MY baby!!!" and got her back immediately. It was like animal instinct and I realised I was totally responsible for her. Shes 27 now and feels exactly as I did

You've described me to a T. Never maternal, never wanted children, met DH 6 years ago and was very open about the fact I didn't want any, and I was happy with this decision. 2020-21 we somehow got round to discussing it, and decided that we'd try. I had DS last year (at 41) and wouldn't change it for the world. He is the best thing ever and even my closest friends cannot believe how naturally maternal I am. We'll be getting for a second in the New Year, honestly for us it's been life changing in the absolute best way
You're still young, you don't need to make any decisions yet.

I didn't decide I wanted children until I was 36. I had a stable relationship since the age of 28.

Had two children at 38 and 40, no regrets whatsoever. I feel very lucky and it was the best decision DH and I ever made.

Thanks so much for all these messages - I feel loads better already. Interesting that a lot of it comes down to boundaries and parenting style, which is exactly what I was trying to suss out - I don’t want my SILs’ lives but maybe that’s more to do with how they choose to raise their children rather than motherhood full stop.

Another thing - a couple of people have said ‘you’re still young, don’t worry about this yet’ which is reassuring. I suppose I’m just stressing out because DP is going to propose this year and a lot of people in my generation are telling me that we need to be 100% on the same page with kids before we get married, and if we aren’t on the same page then we aren’t compatible and need to break up. I’ve told DP that I’m open to kids but that I’m only committing to one (DP wants two but I want to see how things go first) and that I might not be ready until my mid thirties, which he seems on board with.

I never wanted kids, just never interested but felt pregnant unexpectedly and instantly felt love, and have found motherhood so natural and LOVED it.
I often think what I would have missed out on if it hadn't happened like that, as I never wanted to be a mum. So I don't think I'd have decided to do it.
Then I think of all the women who feel like I did who will never know and would have loved being a mum.
I know many people genuinely don't want to be though, but many on the fence about it

I didn't think I would have children. Then I got my dog at 29. It unlocked something within me and I suddenly knew I wanted children. I now have 2 kids and couldn't imagine life without them. I also still have my dog!

Forgot to add.. I too found kids annoying. But it's different with your own
And now I have more motherly instinct towards other peoples kids

This describes me exactly. I was always meh about kids, don't particularly enjoy spending time with other people's kids and assumed when I met DH late thirties that kids wouldn't happen but agreed to try as he really wanted them and I knew he would be an amazing father. Ended up with two in my forties. It's draining and it has impacted my career to some extent (though DH picks up much more of the burden than me and I am still very much career focussed) but it's also the absolute best thing to ever happen to me and I wouldn't change it for the world now that they're here. You're so young - spend a few more years travelling, partying and focussing on your career then decide how you feel. I would say though that while parenting styles might influence kids' behaviours somewhat, to a large extent you can't control the kids you get whether that be temperament, sleep, special needs etc so you need to be prepared for that. Becoming a mother has meant loss of control over a million different small things and a need to adapt in a way that I've never experienced before and the adjustment can be hard sometimes.

I didn't in my early 20s but the biological clock did start ticking and I found I had a real pull to having my own children. I don't love babies but do enjoy children, especially when they are bigger and can communicate. I love my two children and it got really great from 5 onwards. They are two lovely people I have in my life now. We've had challenges, one is ND, and I have had to battle my own childhood demons to parent them very differently.
I am an introvert and can find it very overwhelming at times. I also do mourn the life I had - lived near the city, was out a lot, went to movies, plays, concerts. That's coming back as they get older but I wouldn't have chosen my suburban life if it wasn't for kids.
In hindsight I think I'd have been happy either way. But at the time, when the desire came, I really wanted a baby. I also really wanted a second, but never got a pang for a third. So something was going on subconsciously.